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Original poster

Is he boring or am do I need to grow up?

193 replies

FlameProofNightie · 14/04/2012 14:48

Would appreciate your views on this one.

I have been seeing my new boyfriend for a few months now. We are both 40. He lives local to me and I pop and see him a couple of times a week for a few hours in the evening and we spend weekend time together. I really like him but I sometimes feel a bit 'bored.' Here's why...

He plays golf every Saturday and Sunday during the day. This is fine as I like time to myself but he needs an early night on both of the nights. So, last night for example, we watched a DVD until 11pm, he then yawned and started closing curtains etc.. [ cue for me to leave although I wouldn't have needed to as no kids at home ], quick peck and off i went. No sex.

He spends a lot of time discussing his fitness routines/diet routines/pension provisions/retirement provisions/ the importance of savings/how he likes to allocate special time to household tasks etc etc.. He is fond of lists and he frowns upon any sort of excess in any area of life. We talk about these subjects a lot.

He doesn't drink more than a pint or two at most and then maybe only once a month. So a fun night with a few drinks doesn't happen. I am no lush but it's nice to go to the pub and have a few isn't it?

Sex. It lasts 5 minutes, always in bed, we both stand on opposite sides of the bed removing our own clothes. Always in the same two positions. Sometimes it lasts 8 minutes, maybe. Sometimes there is NO foreplay at all.

He is a careful, fastidious man. I sometimes glance at him and see my father Blush although he is baby faced and looks years younger than he is. I just see.... an old man. It's in his mannerisms I think.

He is really nice though and ...oh GOD- Should I ditch him?

OP posts:
BellaVita · 14/04/2012 17:44

I cannot ever see you n a walking holiday Grin

Saving £250 a month though is ok. Isn't it?

Even MrB goes out after dark and he is way older than your boyfriend.

Original poster
FlameProofNightie · 14/04/2012 17:48

am i picking him apart? hope not. its anonymous..just good to hear others pov

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 14/04/2012 17:51

I guess I just can't imagine why on earth you'd be in a relationship with bad sex and early nights from day one. Every week you spend with him is a week you are not out there finding someone you really really like. You really don't sound like you actually like him much and I kind of feel sorry for him, as there's some rather dull person out there who would be probably much more suited to him as well.

ethelb · 14/04/2012 17:53

tbh he sounds nice eough, but you don't sound compatible (in the slightest)

I think people are being a bit horrid, it's fine to be careful with money (I am and spend a lot of time thinking about my savings/pensions, but I don't talk about it!) and to stop at 2 pints (you can't drive after 2 pints anyway) but if that isn't what you want you need to step away.

I can see some of these things being endearing eccentricities, but the whole package sounds like too much for you.

Some women may like this reservedness about him though, I mean how many threads are there on here about high spenders who demand sex all the time Grin. Leave him for one of those women!

BalloonSlayer · 14/04/2012 18:02

God if he went out with me I'd be complaining that he stayed up too late for me!

I even have to record One Born Every Minute because I can't stay up till the 10pm finish.

Conflugenglugen · 14/04/2012 18:14

Sorry - I've skimmed the other posts and read yours, OP. My 2c:

It's not that there's anything wrong with him. You're just mismatched. Profoundly mismatched. 'Tis all.

If it is like this now, it is not going to get any better.

Vicky2011 · 14/04/2012 18:34

As others have said he sounds wrong for you on a number of levels. Really, stop wasting both of your time, it's not fair on either of you.

Ephiny · 14/04/2012 18:35

I guess some of the comments are a bit mean, probably he's a perfectly nice man. But it wouldn't be what I would be looking for in a new relationship, nor what most women would.

Honestly it sounds like he might be happier single - if he doesn't have much interest in intimacy, doesn't like sharing his bed/home, or making any changes to his routine to accommodate someone else.

Original poster
FlameProofNightie · 14/04/2012 18:35

ephiny - that sounds about right actually.....

OP posts:
stifnstav · 14/04/2012 19:04

Just read some of your posts to my DH. He says dump this bloke and has even offered his services for chandelier swinging.

He's not getting much lately (i'm 39 wks pg) so i'm afraid he's not likely to last more than 8 mins either. He'll have a few pints with you though!

Original poster
FlameProofNightie · 14/04/2012 19:06

Thanks mr stif. I'm quite attractive if that helps ?

OP posts:
skirt · 14/04/2012 21:30

I've been married 23 years and even my life isnt as boring as your relationship sounds. I think he isnt the one for you.

Garliccheesechips · 14/04/2012 21:58

If it's like this NOW, when he's supposed to be fucking you insensible, what in hell will he be like in a couple of years?

Aargh. I'd run.

RachyRach30 · 14/04/2012 21:59

How long have you been with him?

Tbh in relationships I have always liked my own bed. I find it difficult to sleep In somebody else's. I also am not a good sleeper and am not good on little sleep, therefore prefer to sleep on my own really. Any little thing keeps me awake. Yes I still have sex but the sleeping thing I prefer to be on my own and in my own bed.

I don't know how long you have been with him but he has a point about saving and pensions. My mum and dad have had problems with money all their life and now they are nearing retirement and not one has made firm plans. How do they expect to have a nice retirement? I think when you retire you want to enjoy it not be on less money. it makes you think when you see this happen, Also none have ever saved and they really do live on the edge. I mean it's no surprise you are going to get old.

He seems a nice guy, probably too set in his ways now he is 40. He's not going to be the man who jumps on you like in movies but then movies are just movies.

I think your looking for more which is fair enough depending how long you have been with him. If its not long and you feel this way then maybe you would end up cheating on him if your that bored now which isn't fair on him.

Original poster
FlameProofNightie · 15/04/2012 00:45

Been with him a couple of months - worked with him years ago and that's how we first met. We stayed in touch sporadically- via fb mainly - and then chatted more. We were not friends at work, just vaguely knew of each other - so I knew nothing of his personality etc until recently.

I left his house at 10.30pm tonight after some food and BGT/The Cube plus 20 mins of sex. Felt a bit upset all night which I tried to hide...did try and talk to him in a general way but no use. He was uncomfortable, said he didn't want to rock the boat, just wanted a nice, easy going relationship, that we got on fine and he was happy with that. Not a lot I could say to that really? So, I chose to not push things any further. He KNOWS he is not good at relationships [ he said so ] and he said he knew he was not a very easy person to deal with...this isn't awfully helpful to me though is it?

My mind just kept returning to this.... we are two months in [ if that, really] and already, on my child free weekend we are not spending the night together. Not because we have had a fall out or he doesn't like me, but because he has an early start tomorrow and likes a full 8 hours of sleep.

And something seems odd about that to me..

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2012 01:07

How do you get home when you're with him, OP?

GilbertandGeorge · 15/04/2012 01:19

He sounds like a very boring oap.

The sex thing sounds awful!!

Dump him!

RachyRach30 · 15/04/2012 01:23

I didn't realise you were only 2 months in. I know what you mean when it's new you tend to push boundaries, later nights etc until you settle in to a routine.

I think he is set in his ways. I don't think he will change if he is like this now, sounds a bit scared of commitment , he's prob used to being on his own. I know he likes golf bu t he could just do that say on a Saturday then he would be able to go out and have a good time on a saturday night and a bit of a lie in on Sunday's. He sounds very in his routine and doesn't seem to want to budge or deviate from it.

He sounds like he wants it very casual, i understand that he likes a good sleep, especially if he's up early the next day but I think the golf thing all weekend is a bit much. He should just do one day then he only has to be up early Saturday mornings not Sundays too, that way you can both go out and have some fun and watch movies till late on a Saturday night, bacon and eggs Sunday morning etc.

RachyRach30 · 15/04/2012 01:26

Are you sure you really want to continue this, it's only been 2 months. Do you really like him or why not try to find somebody else. He doesn't seem to want to consider your feelings and seems absorbed to just sick to his plans which in a relationship you do have to compromise.

LowFlyingBirds · 15/04/2012 02:55

Oh for gods sake, whats the matter with you?

Firstly, its been waaay longer than a couple of months - i recognise you from previous threads and have barely been here for ages, cant be arsed to search but im guessing last i read your tale of woe with this freak was last autumn? longer?

Secondly, you always present it in this slightly comical way but actually its weird. He's weird. And bollocks are you not bothered about having a boyfriend. You are THE classic example of a woman who will get together with a trail of dodgy, social misfits cos you just cant be alone. You need to really face that because this is not normal. Im not goign to drag up all your previous posts (not just about this bloke, but the ones before him) because im not saying this to try and humiliate you but god, i just want to shake you! Really look at what you are doing with someone you dont want to be with. Ask yourself why you feel thats what youre worth.

This really isnt normal, it isnt. There are perfectly normal men out there - you view yourself as a bit of a catch (i dont say this to be mean, i think youd agree you view yourself as attractive, smart, funny etc and i dont know you but i assume those things must be true) so why the fucking fuck would you be with someone just for the sake of Being With Someone?? And yes, i know it does your ego no good to acknowledge that that is the case but it is.

This bloke is not the problem, or at least he should not be your problem. The problem, imo, is that you are utterly determined to be in a couple and will cling on to someone (or a succession of someones) who really arent suitable. He is not particaularly into you, you are not particularly into him.... he gets the convenience of some female company when all his other, more important, more enjoyable, pastimes allow. This relationship requires no compromise for him, he is not taxed by it. Its easy. I fail to see whats in it for you other than you get to not be single.

SodoffBaldrick · 15/04/2012 03:34

Good lord, you don't take a hint very well, do you??! Grin

This guy is being dead honest with you. Why aren't you listening to him?

This is as good as it's going to get. It's a bit shit; he's a bit shit - he, himself, is telling you this - he isn't prepared to do anything to improve the situation. And yet you're still hanging around, taking whatever scraps he deigns to throw you...?!

Why? No, seriously - why? Is this really as good as it gets for you?

Your tone throughout this thread is passive, resigned, mildly amused. Like you have no say and no expectations in what goes on in your own life. It's odd. I don't relate to it at all. Perhaps I'm not best placed to be offering advice. Suffice to say - open your ears and try listening to what he's saying, both explicitly and implicitly.

RachyRach30 · 15/04/2012 04:31

Wow

Hope your okay. I haven't read any of your other posts but wow very harsh words on here from some posters. Just ignore it, missing a sensitivity chip.

blobtobetter · 15/04/2012 07:21

I think he sounds lovely but I have just taken up knitting!

Someone can be a wonderful person but it won't make a wonderful relationship if you aren't compatible.

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 07:39

No-one was being mean, they were being honest and/or having a laugh!

The identitiy of the man in question is anonymous as is OP.

There is no common ground, no chemistry and no spark here so OP clearly needs to move on.

Original poster
FlameProofNightie · 15/04/2012 08:14

Oh I can cope Rach - 'harsh' is err fine ! ; )

Imperial - I drive home , it's only ten minutes or so.

Thanks for all advice and comments - much appreciated. Smile

OP posts: