Is he boring or am do I need to grow up?

[FlameProofNightie]

Would appreciate your views on this one.

I have been seeing my new boyfriend for a few months now. We are both 40. He lives local to me and I pop and see him a couple of times a week for a few hours in the evening and we spend weekend time together. I really like him but I sometimes feel a bit 'bored.' Here's why...

He plays golf every Saturday and Sunday during the day. This is fine as I like time to myself but he needs an early night on both of the nights. So, last night for example, we watched a DVD until 11pm, he then yawned and started closing curtains etc.. [ cue for me to leave although I wouldn't have needed to as no kids at home ], quick peck and off i went. No sex.

He spends a lot of time discussing his fitness routines/diet routines/pension provisions/retirement provisions/ the importance of savings/how he likes to allocate special time to household tasks etc etc.. He is fond of lists and he frowns upon any sort of excess in any area of life. We talk about these subjects a lot.

He doesn't drink more than a pint or two at most and then maybe only once a month. So a fun night with a few drinks doesn't happen. I am no lush but it's nice to go to the pub and have a few isn't it?

Sex. It lasts 5 minutes, always in bed, we both stand on opposite sides of the bed removing our own clothes. Always in the same two positions. Sometimes it lasts 8 minutes, maybe. Sometimes there is NO foreplay at all.

He is a careful, fastidious man. I sometimes glance at him and see my father although he is baby faced and looks years younger than he is. I just see.... an old man. It's in his mannerisms I think.

He is really nice though and ...oh GOD- Should I ditch him?

In fact , lowflyingbirds , your post is interesting and thought provoking reading.

I've been married 40 years and my sex life is waaaayyyy better than yours.

Let him go.

You aren't compatible. Leave.

Leave him.

He is right for so done, but not you.

Someone*

I married this man!

Divorced first exh for being EA, drama queen, bully etc. Had 5 years on my own and then met Mr Sensible . Mistook his lack of intimacy as 'reserve', mistook his lack of emotion as 'quiet strength', overlooked his low libido as I thought there's more to love than sex, wanted stability for my kids, the list goes on. I am an itelligent woman, warm, loving, giving and yet somehow I got myself into this mess ........ again.

Now when something awful is happening in my life (my son is fighting aggressive cancer) the truth about his real charachter emerges: my strong, quiet, reserved husband is running away as fast as his legs can carry him. I am left alone to cope with it all. He does not have the emotional capacity to show love and support at a terrible time. And I have to accept that mistook him for something he never was.

I wont ever make this mistake again (and have just started the process of divorce no 2).

Leave now before you get your lives more involved. If he is not warm and loving now he never will be and he wont be able to be there for you in times of need.

Thank you for that min and I send you best wishes for your son's speedy and full recovery.

I don't think the problem is him, it's you. He sounds like a particular type of man, one that doesn't attract me and I would never have a relationship with him. I would imagine he is pretty contented with your relationship and apart from worrying that you are a bit flighty, is generally happy with you and thinks you are great etc.

You obviously despise him, you have nothing in common and are bored rigid. Yet you are still with him and are thinking of wasting more of both your time by waiting to see what happens (incidentally only one of two things will happen - you will stay together for the rest of your lives or until you murder him, or you will stay with him until you get to a point where you hate him and you hate yourself more and having wasted more months/years of your life).

Just why? Why are you putting yourself through it?

What are you actually getting out of this situation? It sounds completely pointless.

Min. That's awful.

Wow, he sounds very boring, have you ever made suggestions to do things differently to try to make things interesting ( sorry haven't read the whole thread).
I wouldn't stay with a person like this if I had a choice.

He is stating upfront how he is so you really can't blame him for that - not that you are of course. However, you obviously want more of an emotional connection and he is unable (perhaps unwilling) to go there.

If he is like this now it will only get far more problematic in the future. He is unlikely to want to go to the next stage as you have children. He sounds as if he will never be able to make any room in his life for them, not that he necessarily should, but it just does not make for a future together as you cannot get more serious without your children somehow being part of the picture. Remember he can barely make room for you and you are hardly being demanding.

I dated a similar guy for a few months and I had to fit my needs, film choice, tv watching and conversation totally to suit him. After a while I realised that he had no interest whatsoever in what I wanted to do/listen to/ watch and so I put it down to him being amazingly selfish as well as boring. Just prior to ending the relationship I had a conversation about compromises and he seemed to believe that he had made huge compromises already. Four months later I cannot think of any instance where he had compromised once. I sat for hours listening to tales of UFO's, how ill he was, the latest app for his smartphone, financial/pensions plans, background stories on various science fiction TV series and other things I had not one iota of interest in but listened and tried to get enthusiasm for. He never visited me, he never knew what books/films I enjoyed, he never sent me a Valentines card, he never called out of the blue and never asked my opinion on anything.

I began to feel my own personality and quirks drifting away. I felt kinda empty inside so dumped him. He was a nice guy, he was polite, he was honest, he was moral etc. etc. BUT he was as boring as hell.

Seeing someone great now and am back to my old self, laughing, happy and feel he is actually as interested in me as I am in him. Can't believe I dated the other guy for so long - 5 months! I should have quit long before that.

Can we return to your thread title for a sec?

'Is he boring or do I need to grow up?'

You're 40. You ARE grown up. And there's nothing wrong with still wanting fun nights down the pub, wild sex, lots of laughs, etc. I'm 40 meself and that's what I still want! And luckily, DH does too.

Meanwhile your boyfriend wants a quiet night of TV and peppermint tea. And that's fine. There are plenty of women out there who want the same and that's who he should be with.

You will NEVER be happy with him. NEVER.

I am really shocked that you would even think for a second that this man could be the one. Based on what???

Be kind to both of you and end it, now please.

provincial - no, I don't despise him, not at all. I 'despise' very few people.

thanks dreaming - that makes sense...

mrscynical - happy to hear that you found someone better for you. Hope for us all, eh?

lowflyingbirds - I have re read your post. Are you sure you don't know me- or have done in possibly a FB capacity, hmm? Anyway, I can identify with some of what you say but you are off beam with the 'desperate not to be single ' schtick. I am happy single - truly. I am a pretty happy person generally, tbh..

Out of interest Flame if you are happy to be single why do you always have 1 or 2 guys on the go? which I think you said somewhere up thread.

FlameProofNightie,

What lowflyingbirds and sodoffbaldrick wrote earlier.

Following on from them I have some questions for you.

What did you learn about relationships as a child and when growing up?.
Was your Dad emotionally unavailable to you as a child?. Did he leave you?. Are you trying to fill a Dad sized large hole in your life?. This man after all reminds you of your Dad.

Think about these questions above. I think the answers to those are why you are in the position you are now in.

OP, You know it really - he is just not for you, and you not for him!

I have re-read your posts OP and think you sound fun and vivacious.

He is dull, yes, but he is plainly not that into you!

You're not lonely, not desperate - so why not put this one down to (boring) experience and move on?

Gin - well... Umm... I like men? And sex? Just thought it was time to settle down a bit with a nice, settled guy I suppose. I really wanted him to be the right one. I suppose I have invested a little bit 'emotionally' in him.

Atilla - well, yes to emotional unavailability. But that was a long time ago now and I didn't have a terrible childhood or anything. Plus it's pretty much irrelevant at my age I should think.

Thanks Gilbert. You are entirely correct, of course.

Ahhhh, well yes - can see the appeal. Mr Beige isn't going to satisfy both those likes tho is he!!!!!

Gilbert is entirely correct eh? OOoooo is that a decision?

Oh I suppose so! Last night I felt miserable in his company which I was having to hide. That alone is not right

Oh my dear, parental issues are never irrelevant I'm afraid. They set the stage for how you interact with men and what you expect or are willing to tolerate from them.

I'd read up on this a bit. Once you see the connections between your own family and your adult relationships, it's not really that hard to correct some of the mental habits that get you into bad relationships.

I myself had an emotionally unavailable father. I was quite promiscuous in my youth and veered back and forth between nice, safe and boring men, and really fun and wild and commitment-phobic jerks. Apparently this is a very common pattern. Once I got some help, I was able to break it though.

Ahhh. That is sad. :(

He needs to be with someone who really likes him too though and you never know what is round the corner.

Hope he takes it well.

It sounds like the two of you would be better off as friends, as you clearly like each other, but lack any real spark as lovers.

Would you be able to remain friends?

(He could babysit for you (and maybe simultaneously balance your cheque book and alphabetise your DVD collection? ) whilst you go out and meet somone a bit more sparky?)