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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
McFluffster · 14/04/2012 11:56

That's what op's husband is saying he wants though isn't it, the big wedding with all the family and friends invited, costing a lot of money.

McFluffster · 14/04/2012 11:57

Sorry, partner.

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 12:11

I think it's a bit narrow-minded to object to all marriage because some people are a bit silly about it.

Those people hog the limelight, meanwhile millions of people go on and have simple weddings and enjoy real equality and respect within their marriages.

I think there is an incredible diversity within the concept of marriage today. I think we should be encouraging this rather than just rejecting the whole concept.

And I'm still wondering whether people who disagree with marriage also disagree with gay marriage Wink

seeker · 14/04/2012 12:27

Gay marriage- well, I think that gay people want to get married in church -and I know some- are seriously bonkers. Why ask for validation from organisation that has routinely persecuted you for generations? But I do think that what is available for straight people should be available to gay people- equal opportunity insanity!

I understand why gay people want to have civil partnerships- it's very difficult to get a basically homophobic society recognise you, and anything which helps is obviously a good thing.

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 12:35

Thanks Smile

I know a lot of gay activists oppose gay marriage, based on similar reasonings. But I think it's telling that so many gay people do want to marry, despite the 'baggage' it carries. It's just a deeply symbolic and meaningful act for lots of people.

nizlopi · 14/04/2012 12:47

If you're against marriage, then you're against marriage, why does sexuality have to be a part of that?

Personally I am for marriage, of any kind. But only if it works for both of the people involved in it. It isn't a one sided act.

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 12:48

It has to be a completely joint process. Anything else and some one has the upper hand which is anything but equal. Have you ever any of you heard of a man in distress waiting for the big Q? This is the aspect I find the most difficult to comprehend.

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 12:57

Nizlopi, I just find it an interesting question, because many people who are against marriage feel that it is an oppressive or unequal institution. And yet, in the US at least (where I'm from) gay marriage has become an important vector for gay rights and attempts to gain more equality in society.

Logically, if you are against marriage, you should be against gay marriage, but then that would be denying a path to equality that many gay people want. So it's an interesting question.

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 13:00

I think the idea of gay marriage will always be seen differently because it has no history iygwim. I would imagine that most same sex couples would approach it in a different way. the civil partnership doesn't have a religious element which is what gay couples who want marriage seem to be saying is missing. I think for gay marriage it is more about breaking down that final barrier rather than emulating something where initially anyway it was about ownership and control.

seeker · 14/04/2012 13:01

I am against marriage largely on feminist grounds. Those grounds do not apply to gay people.

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 13:10

Not even gay women? Confused

seeker · 14/04/2012 13:13

Well, not if a gay woman was marrying another gay woman!

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 14:24

Gay women are just as capable of buying into the whole cinderella/bridezilla fantasy that you object to. Wanting to marry someone just to be married. You don't have the same patriarchal element but the idea of women as property handed from father to husband doesn't really apply these days anyway.

If you despair that young women are buying into all these marriage fantasies, on feminist grounds, then that should be a concern whether the young women are gay or straight.

seeker · 14/04/2012 15:10

You're right. I was thinking about the power balance element.

nizlopi · 14/04/2012 17:00

My sister is a gay woman, she hopes to get married one day. She's also said that when/if she does she'll take her wife's name, not out of tradition or anything, just that our maiden name is really awful and getting married is a way of changing it without offending our Dad.

He's pretty homophobic though, so I'm not sure how fantastic her idea is ;)

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 17:03

I'm for marriage on feminist grounds.

I've seen far too many women (and their children) fucked over by men with whom they thought they had a relationship equivalent to marriage. It was only equivalent to marriage while it lasted. Any relationship can end quite suddenly, please don't believe your relationship is immune.

I was married previously for 18 years. It was a very happy marriage while it lasted. My divorce was a complete and utter surprise. I turned 40. I changed. I wanted different things. I wanted to do some things for me, and up until then I had allowed it to be all about him (this is often what happends when you become a mother and give up your inependence). I didn't want to be an expat wife. Thank goodness we were married as I had sacrificed my career to follow him and his career to various parts of the world. We were able to split our assets 50:50. If we weren't married he would no doubt have retained the bulk of assets as he is the one who did the earning.

seeker · 14/04/2012 17:08

You don't have to be married to have made provision for yourself and your children.

Ephiny · 14/04/2012 17:11

I'm for people knowing the facts about marriage and cohabitation (what rights and obligations they do and don't have) and making an informed decision about what they want to do!

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 17:17

seeker - I keep saying, it's impossible to emulate marriage. If you own your house 50:50 with your DP and you broke up but wanted to remain in the house, you would have to buy him out of his portion of the house AND pay SDLT as you aren't spouses and can't pass assets between you free of tax. If you wanted to pass shares or other investments to one another as part of a settling of your interests, this would count as a disposal and you would have to pay CGT on the disposal. And then there are all the IHT problems that might arise if you are sufficiently wealthy.

And how on earth do you sort out the fact that one person earns £150,000 per annum (thanks to the support of the bidey-in taking on all things domestic) and the other person earns £10,000 per annum or nothing? A contract to say you had future dibs on your DP's future earnings would be invalid.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 17:33

Exactly, LittleFrieda. I'm for marriage on feminist grounds, too. You only have to look at the Relationships thread to see the difference between married women and unmarried women when relationships break down.

niceguy2 · 14/04/2012 17:43

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have.

Right, I haven't read all 5 pages but from the sounds of things you need to determine whether he really means the above.

Because it sounds like from what you've said that he's open to the idea of marriage but would like a nice day out of it. That's fair enough and if he is sincere about this fact then your next steps would be different from if he's using it as an excuse. Not sure I am explaining myself well.

If I were in your shoes, I'd start planning it now. Price everything up. So say you come up with a figure of £5k. Then go to him and say "Right, it'll cost £5k for a decent bash. Let's work out how we can get that money."

A mate of mine got a part time job working in a chippy. Another sold his motorbike. See if family can help out. Maybe ask for donations rather than a present given you've lived together for so long. My point is that there are means and ways. I'd argue you could even take a loan out as long as you have budgeted it correctly.

Basically remove cost as a defence and if he starts saying "Ah yes but I'd like this instead..." then add it onto the budget and accept a slightly longer waiting period because you've moved him from "I'm not getting married if we can't have a big do" to "I'd like this at my wedding".

If he still point blank refuses to get married then my advice is to leave him.

I used to be totally against marriage. I'd lived with two women and had 2 kids with one of them. I had all the answers.

"If it ain't broke, why fix it"
"I don't see any reason to get married"
"What does a piece of paper change?"
"What's in it for me?"

Now I'm engaged to someone and it was me who was desperate to get engaged. It turns out I just wasn't with the right person. You need to find out if he thinks that or not.

amillionyears · 14/04/2012 17:49

IAmRebelling. Just a minor point. You did say near the beginning that your partner does not like change.While he is thinking about the marriage issue, and you have told him your position, you could gently point out to him and remind him, that now, even if he doesnt marry you, things are going to change, one way or another.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2012 18:15

It is possible to create much of the legal structure of a long term relationship by going to a solicitor, paying over lots of money, signing lots of forms. Of course once you have done this it is nice to celebrate and to say to your family that this is what you have done. Quite honestly it is also sensible to do this to differentiate this relationship from previous ones and also to make clear that this is a relationship, you havent taken in a lodger.

Why oh why hasnt someone thought of a way of streamlining this whole process?

Oh no, they have, it's called a marriage!

PopcornGrace · 14/04/2012 18:19

GnomeDePlume ha ha yes spot on!!! Very true !!

nizlopi · 14/04/2012 18:35

amillionyears yeah, totally, lets add yet more emotional blackmail to the list, great idea!