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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 18:52

Niceguy - Ugh at "ask for donations rather than a present". That's incredibly bad manners no matter the circs. I think you're missing the point. it's not about affording a wedding. They could marry now and have the wedding he wants later when they can afford it. With ghastly dresses, cakes, cars, flowers, hair do's and meetings with caterers.

I absolutely loathe weddings.

Helltotheno · 14/04/2012 19:09

Niceguy, he clearly doesn't want to get married at all. Saying they need to wait til they can afford it is just him buying time. He likes the current status quo just fine.

OP do come back and update us on what you're going to do. In general, YANBU. You have to fight for what you want.

amillionyears · 14/04/2012 19:10

nizlopi, thats not emotional blackmail, ops partner is adverse to change, and since the op is going to change things one way or another,it is going to be a fact!

margerykemp · 14/04/2012 19:11

I'm a feminist. I want a wedding. Call it peer pressure or whatever. The idea of marriage though, I'm not so keen on.

seeker · 14/04/2012 19:11

"Now I'm engaged to someone and it was me who was desperate to get engaged. It turns out I just wasn't with the right person. You need to find out if he thinks that or not."

Wow. I've been with the wrong person since 1976. Who knew?

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 19:20

Being engaged is hilariously naff. It has made me larfff out loud.

niceguy2 · 14/04/2012 20:16

All in your opinion LittleFrieda. Luckily millions of others disagree.

Flightty · 14/04/2012 20:41

Why is it naff? shove up, mate Smile

Flightty · 14/04/2012 20:41

And I think spelling larffff like that is a bit dodgy myself, but I wouldn't be so rude as to tell you that. iyswim

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 20:42

niceguy2 - Grin Yes. I'm sorry. How long have you been engaged for?

Ephiny · 14/04/2012 20:43

Doesn't 'engaged' just mean 'we've decided to get married'? In which I guess I am too :)

Not sure why that's any more 'naff' than 'decided to move in together', 'decided to get a mortgage', 'decided to try for a baby' etc Confused

Flightty · 14/04/2012 20:43

Oh and I don't like weddings much either.

We're not planning to have one, not that sort anyway...just sign the papers and down the pub I think. I still want to marry him. Just not in a big flouncy frock with a lot of etiquette.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 20:48

Well 'engaged' is probably OK as a status quo if you're 29 (poss even 38 if you're Italian) and haven't yet moved out of your mum's and your girlfriend lives elsewhere. Or if you are sixteen and don't have your parents' permission to wed. But if you live with someone already and especially if you have a string of failed cohabiting relationships behind you that produced children, there is no sensible context for your engagement. Just get married. Or don't.

Flightty · 14/04/2012 20:48

Alright Eph Smile

yy we haven't got any rings or anything. We just decided to do it, when we can be bothered and when it makes sense financially etc.

Seeker I don't think you've been with the wrong person, I think you're probably just a couple who don't see the need for marriage and don't want it. There is NOTHING wrong with that. But if one half of a couple really does see the need and feel that way and the other half doesn't - or worse, does, but not with them - that's not such a great match is it.

I think I want to get married because my folks did it, DP's folks did it, it's a sweet thing to do and it makes me feel special. Not that I don't already but I'm being shallow/tokenistic about it in a way because I've had so many 'nothing' relationships and want to prove this one is different. I have something to prove and so does DP.

But not with the big do, etc etc...I don't like showing off or being at the centre of attention. I just want to be married.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 20:50

Flightty - so if there is nothing to plan, what's the hold up?
There is nothing wrong with getting married as soon as we get round to it. But engaged. ugh.

Ephiny · 14/04/2012 20:53

Well we are 'just' getting married, but you can't usually get married in the same instant you decide you want to, and the time in between is usually called 'engagement'. I'm not sure why it particularly needs a special name, but it has one all the same!

niceguy2 · 14/04/2012 20:54

To be honest LittleFrieda, I don't care for the engagement really either. I get nothing out of it except the pleasure of buying my fiancee an expensive ring and seeing my bank balance go down!

I'm not even that fussed about the wedding itself and personally we wanted a small affair but my rather large family means any wedding is not going to be small. It's the commitment I want. Hard to explain. Never thought I'd ever want it to be honest. I've always been very commitment-phobic. But now I've met my fiancee anything which makes us work harder at our relationship can only be a good thing.

nizlopi · 14/04/2012 20:57

Me and my husband got funny looks when we told people we were getting married as I didn't have an engagement ring. I'm not a fan of them. I wear a wedding ring, but I couldn't be doing with an engagement ring all day, it would be a pain in the arse (I'm a chef). I think we got 'engaged' in the October and married in the April right after. We had to sort out passports and stuff and then register to get married, then find a time we were both free from work... thats the only reason we didn't just go and do it the next day tbh. The best bit about getting married for me was the lovely excuse to have a holiday without our son right after ;)

Long engagements are a bit weird to me, but some people want the big day and all the excitement. I have a friend who spent YEARS planning and saving for her wedding day, it was a really lovely day and they were both so happy.

niceguy2 · 14/04/2012 20:57

Oh and just to add, for me the engagement period isn't because we think there should be a period of time. I'd happily get married tomorrow. But it's just the logistics and the money we need to save up for the wedding. I know if we hadn't any money or absolutely didn't want a big wedding that we could just nip down to the registry office but we're not in dire straits, it would be nice to have a celebration, there's no rush so why the hell not?

Ephiny · 14/04/2012 21:04

Even if you want to get married ASAP with no fuss at all, in England at least you have to give a period of notice to your registry office (2 weeks in advance here) so you have to have a bit of an 'engagement'. Obviously you don't have to make a fuss about it, buy expensive rings and keep going on about 'my fiance' etc, but there are certain legal formalities you have to observe.

Also there's nothing at all wrong with having a big party to celebrate your marriage if you want to - it wouldn't be my cup of tea, but everyone is different after all. And that takes a bit of time to organise.

LydiaWickham · 14/04/2012 21:11

hmm, yes, we were engaged from the time DH asked me to marry him until we got married, just under a year later, engaged just is a short way of saying "engaged to be married" or "have agreed to get married but haven't done it yet" - people who get engaged without actually planning the wedding and who see it as a status in it's own right are a bit odd IMO.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 21:14

Lydia - Absolutely. It isn't separate from the marriage bit.

But some people think it is. I know someone who was engaged six times.

messagetoyourudy · 14/04/2012 21:37

OP - I know how you feel.

I would like say what a very dear friend said to my DH - which was "If you love her than none of it is a big deal, other then making her happy which is a very big deal"
ie: The wedding is not the problem and making your future wife happy is easy - just marry her!

So after 19 years together and 2 DS plus my DH not having the urge to get married - we ran off for a weekend on my birthday, without the kids and got married! We told all our family and friends when we got home. No fuss, no real expense. I got married in a dress from Dorothy Perkins, we have wedding rings made of palladuim, we had a nice meal and a couple of nights in a posh hotel. Total price under £500.

Good luck x

springydaffs · 14/04/2012 21:38

regardless of the feminist/political/legal/financial arguments, you want to get married so that's that. Personally, I would be extremely cross if someone close to me called something that was very important to me 'silly' and dismissed it out of hand. I am entirely with you that if he insists on not taking seriously something that is very important to you (for whatever reason!) then imo that's a dealbreaker.

I'm tempted to wonder if, in his eyes, he's got the goods without paying for them, so why should he.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2012 22:23

Exactly messagetoyourudy