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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
seeker · 13/04/2012 20:42

My partner would like us to be married. But he respects my desire not to be married. He hopes that I will change my mind but he knows I won't. That respect on this and on other matters is at the core of our relationship. If he had some bizarre personality transplant and said he would rather be married to some unidentified person he hadn't met yet than be unmarried to me I would be out the door so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

seeker · 13/04/2012 20:44

Refusing to make a legal commitment would also be a deal beaker.

McFluffster · 13/04/2012 21:03

I think OP should radically go off the idea of marriage, let it be known that she would never marry her partner and hates weddings. That seems to be the way to get a proposal judging by this thread! Grin

Seriously I'm reassured by the amount of people pleasing themselves and their partners in their relationships whether that involves marriage or not. Felt like I'd wandered into olden times earlier.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/04/2012 21:12

Yes, but I don't suppose you ever led him to believe that you would be married one day, did you Seeker? That is the difference between you and the OP's case. And who said she would be looking for some one else. I don't get that impression at all. It seems to me that she simply doesn't want to be in a relationship with somebody who has different values and aims to her which is fair enough. She isn't after a husband for the sake of it.

solidgoldbrass · 13/04/2012 21:13

Seeker: Because in this case, the bloke is not sitting the OP down and giving her a clear explanation of his feelings, he's just fudging and stalling when he knows how unhappy she is. You, presumably, are not saying to your DP, I'll marry you when ABC happens, then if it does, coming up with yet another reason to delay actually setting a date. That's what makes the difference.

seeker · 13/04/2012 21:21

"I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ..."

This is what stuck in my head from the OP.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/04/2012 21:42

Fair enough - I read it differently though. If somebody doesn't want you on the terms you thought you had both agreed and is taking you for granted then of course you are going to think you are worth more and that you could find somebody who agrees with your values and wants the same things as you.

I don't think from the rest of what she said that she wants out of her relationship at all but that she is being driven to it because her DP is taking her for a fool. I wouldn't much appreciate being told I was being stupid for wanting to discuss something that I felt was important and I don't suppose she does either.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 22:06

"finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ..."

Doesn't mean that I want to run off and marry a stranger. Just give us both the freedom to move on. Or do you think we should stay single for the rest of our lives in the event we are going our own separate ways?

OP posts:
likeatonneofbricks · 13/04/2012 22:12

umarried doesn't equal single, does it?
I agree though that he is being unreasonable. If he has STRONG issues with marriage why doesn't he spell it out - if he's just ambivalent he should go with your strong desire to be married.

seeker · 13/04/2012 22:19

But you're together! You're a family! you're not just two random people who met and hung out together for a while! How would being married change what you've got?

AThingInYourLife · 13/04/2012 22:36

" If he had some bizarre personality transplant and said he would rather be married to some unidentified person he hadn't met yet than be unmarried to me I would be out the door so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground."

But you are a family etc etc, how could you be so irresponsible as to break up a family over something you feel strongly about?

Hmm
Helltotheno · 13/04/2012 22:41

OP he doesn't want to get married. All this crap about waiting til you can afford it etc is smoke and mirrors.

If being married is what you want at all costs, you have a genuine grievance, but as a mum, I'd be reluctant in your position to pull the rug from under my children's happiness by walking out. It isn't just about you and your partner any more...

Hard to know what you advise really. For me, I only got married for legal and financial reasons and nothing else. Before you do anything, just make sure you have all that absolutely sorted to protect yourself; maybe get advice from a solicitor?

Helltotheno · 13/04/2012 22:41

what to advise

likeatonneofbricks · 13/04/2012 22:49

surely he will agree, if really pushed??
I mean it'd be equally irresponsible of HIM to destroy the family just for the sake of stubborness (as I said, it sounds like he's ambivalent, not having any serious issues with marriage)! what OP wants is not unreasonab;e, with kids and all hte years together.

Inertia · 13/04/2012 22:59

If your relationship has always been predicated on the basis that you'd get married one day, then it's not fair of him to refuse to do so now.

I might be guessing incorrectly here, but I suspect that part of the issue tied up with "everyone else in my position is married" could be a gradual dawning of realisation that actually, you don't have much security within the current arrangement , and your DP seems unwilling to make this commitment to you. Marriage doesn't offer any guarantees of relationship success, of course, but it does provide a built-in legal and financial framework.

Rather than saying that you'll end the relationship if there's no marriage, could you suggest that as he's unwilling to take the step of getting married you intend to set up wills/trusts/bank accounts etc which set out very clearly what's yours and what's his? Of course that's not how relationship for life would ideally work, but outside of marriage you need to build your own system. Either way, he'd need to accept that a change is needed.

Original poster
IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 23:00

I think being stuck in a relationship with a DP who doesn't commit is equally irresponsible if it makes one unhappy. He is the one who is making a U turn on what we agreed and if only he gave me a reason for doing so, perhaps I could understand and come to terms with it. But staling until forever is not something I can live with for the rest of my life. I'm feeling that I'm now at a point in my life where living together is no longer enough.

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 13/04/2012 23:26

I'm with you all the way, Rebelling. I have a good friend who was with her DP for about 15 years without being married. Then, without her knowing, he booked a holiday, including a wedding, abroad and invited her family, too.

She has said it made a huge difference to her. I think she always did want to get married, but they never go around to it. They have two DC and are really happy.

I think being married is different to co-habiting. It's a public commitment to your relationship. that's a big thing imo. Saying the actual words about "till death do us part" and knowing that you really mean them was a very big deal for us and most of the people I know.

seeker · 13/04/2012 23:31

"feeling that I'm now at a point in my life where living together is no longer enough."

So how will being married make it different?

Helltotheno · 13/04/2012 23:33

"till death do us part" and knowing that you really mean them was a very big deal for us and most of the people I know

Not for me and not for many people I know, but I've never felt the need to publicly declare anything about my relationship, which doesn't mean it's any less valid than any other relationship. It's a very individual thing and if a public declaration of commitment is what's important to you OP, you have to decide whether it's something you can live without.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2012 00:06

So how will being married make it different?

For some people it just does. Same as for some people it just doesnt.

This isnt the same as a have/dont have a baby question where the status quo has to win.

This is about truth and honesty in a relationship.

nizlopi · 14/04/2012 08:49

Helltotheno I agree, I don't understand the whole 'public declaration of love' thing. When I got married, I spent the whole day thinking about how very private this was to me and my husband. We were going to just take my sister and his brother, but his Mum did sad faces and we ended up inviting the rest of the family too. It IS private though, at least, I felt it was.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 09:01

Seeker - as a matter of interest, why don't you want to be married to your DP?

alienreflux · 14/04/2012 09:25

as ive said rebelling, i understand you want to get married, i do. but please do not underestimate how devastating breaking up will be on your kids. and when they ask, why did you leave daddy? didn't you love him anymore?was he mean to you? you will have to say, no darling, i wanted to get married and he didn't. not trying to emotionally black mail you here!! just trying to make you see the ramifications. however, is he committed??? is he?? you HAVE to sit down and really talk to him, keep digging until you get a bloody straight answer. i would!! i however, choose to believe if we had the money we would be planning a wedding Confused yours sincerely blissfully deluded!! :o

seeker · 14/04/2012 09:25

Because I see marriage as an outdated, patriarchal construct that was established to pass women from the ownership of their fathers to the ownership of their husbands. It was devised largely to facilitate the transfer of property and to protect the male line. It has been dressed up in a lot of romantic guff to make it acceptable to women, but that's all it is. And little girls are spun a line from infancy about being a bride. Not about forming strong happy adult relationships, but about being a bride. As if dressing up as a meringue for the day is the pinnacle of female achievement.

You did ask!

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 09:41

It was all that, but do you think it still is?

When your partner says he would love to be married to you, do you think that's what he means by it? Or do you think he's saying you're the only person he wants to be with and he wants to stand up and tell anyone who'll listen that he loves you.

And perhaps that he's terrified of the way he and you are each more insecure legally because the law doesn't recognise you as a couple?

If I were a man, I wouldn't have children with a woman unless I was married. Ditto as a woman.