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Original poster

I want to be married.

288 replies

IamRebelling · 13/04/2012 10:15

I'm probably very unreasonable but I have been thinking about this for a long time and have never spoken to anyone about this except my longer term partner.

We have been together since 1998 and have 2 wonderful DDs. Thing is we never got married. There has always been something else we wanted to spent the money on and I have always been fine with that. We bought a house together, did it up and moved in to the house we always wanted but could not afford previously a few years ago. It is not a mansion, by all means but it is a nice little semi in a lovely road.

I am now 40 and I really want to be married. My partner however feels that we should make an occasion out of it, which would of course cost a small fortune which we don't have. What I really want is to go to a registry office with the 4 of us and simply get married. He keeps telling me that he thinks things are just fine as they are and that he is not going to run off with someone else. I don't seem to be able to get the message across that this has nothing to do with it and that I really want to be like everyone else my age and be married.

I feel that things have now come to a head and I don't want to carry on with life as it is and if he does not want to get married I would prefer to finish the relationship and perhaps meet someone else ...

Maybe I'm am being very selfish by wanting to be married but my partner knows how important this is to me and by not wanting to be married I think he is being equally selfish, considering he knows how important this is to me.

Opinions please...

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2012 09:42

Seeker, I do respect your viewpoint, but I have to admit I find it in itself a little dated. I think the sheer variety of experiences on this thread supports a more constructivist view of marriage, i.e. marriage is what people make of it. Women are getting married at older ages and after having their own independent lives. Some people still have the big wedding, lots just go to the registry and the pub. Some people get married before DC, some after. One woman earlier got married on her deathbed.

I agree that historically marriage has been a patriarchal institution, but I think nowadays it's being shaped into many different forms and I think that's really interesting.

Isn't it possible that, like so many other social institutions, marriage might come to have a more liberated nature and multiple expressions?

For example, are you also opposed to gay marriage? Civil commitment ceremonies?

SigmundFraude · 14/04/2012 09:42

'Because I see marriage as an outdated, patriarchal construct that was established to pass women from the ownership of their fathers to the ownership of their husbands. It was devised largely to facilitate the transfer of property and to protect the male line.'

We're not still in mediaeval times you know.

My marriage has far more benefits for me than it does DH, given that he earns and I don't.

seeker · 14/04/2012 09:44

No I don't think that's what he means. But that's what marriage means. The whole concept carries too much baggage.

And it is perfectly possibly to sort out all the legal and financial issues (with one exception) without being married.

SigmundFraude · 14/04/2012 09:45

If I were a man I probably wouldn't get married at all, unless my wife earned as much or more than I did, and I'd certainly think long and hard before I had kids.

seeker · 14/04/2012 09:48

I forgot to say "unless you're religious, of course" I can see why religious people get married. I don't agree, but I can see why they do.

newby2 · 14/04/2012 09:49

Iam- Ive been reading the last few posts and just putting it out there- maybe the actual issue is from his point of view- if every-thing is so wonderful then what's his issue with marriage?

I'm wondering if it's a problem on his side that needs some kind of counselling for you both and you're reacting by saying "sod-you I'm off then" rather than him/you admitting a problem and working through it.

It's just that, looking at the broader picture of life, marriage doesn't guarantee a life-long relationship. And if it were a must-have then it should have been discussed in the first place? That's not your children's fault and if their Dad is a good one and a good partner, that it's probably the relationship you'll have for life.

If you're truly committed to each other for the rest of your lives, it is breathtakingly selfish of him. My guess his he may be a selfish in other areas which you may be glossing over. Is it time to start healing any problems in your relationship? Re evaluate your goals together with a view to marrying when you're 100% stronger? Get out there and have a lot of fun as a family, have a life change to get out of a rut maybe?

There are some real idiots out there and the grass isn't always greener. No-one will love your children more than your husband.

Good luck, it's hard bloody work this relationship lark!

Helltotheno · 14/04/2012 09:54

And little girls are spun a line from infancy about being a bride.

I definitely agree with this part. So many women are so obsessed with the whole 'strong-jawed male/big, flowery wedding/white picket fence/happy sprogs running round the place' that they settle for useless twunts the wrong person, leading to a world of shit for everyone, especially the kids. You only have to read the Relationships board to see that.

I really wish more time and energy was spent on teaching young girls to become strong and independent (esp. financially), and not to have rely on men when things go tits up.

BUT in saying that seeker, as someone pointed out upthread, marriage does provide protection to a woman who has given up her career, even temporarily, to raise children. I married for those reasons. If I'd been independently wealthy, I very much doubt I would have married.

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 10:00

Been with dp over 20 years have all the paperwork in place re property etc. Don't really need his money if we split as have made sure I am self sufficient in that way, the man in the op is being co erced. Why would you want that? My ds has my name and I am not a raving feminist. I have no problem with people who want to get married but the idea that it is superior is daft looking at statistics. You arevpreotected financially in a court of law whilst your children are young but tbh a lot of men will cook the books any which way they can to wriggle out of this. Seeker is right but is a lot more political than mien her reasoning Knut I think we are singing from the same hymn sheet. I have never wanted to marry I think it makes a lot of women lazy about getting their house in order. It is not romantic at all because it is so state run and every ceremony is v similar. It is a contract

newby2 · 14/04/2012 10:03

Freudian slip "no-one will love your children more than your husband" sorry.

By the way I have a lovely man and baby and we're unmarried, I'm 38. Loads of friends my age have crap marriages at the moment. When we get married it will be a complete surprise to all (including me possibly) and because we have no stone left unturned.

newby2 · 14/04/2012 10:07

Every-one- it doesn't sound like finances are the issue here or the female reasons for marriage. He's stalling and there's a problem to be addressed.

AThingInYourLife · 14/04/2012 10:19

"And little girls are spun a line from infancy about being a bride."

Are they, really?

I certainly never gave being a bride any thought until I was planning a wedding.

The "line" I had been spun was my parents' strong marriage, and how happy they are together.

I find the idea that women are idiots to have bought into marriage when it does so much to protect women's (and children's) interests in a world where property, well-paid jobs, childcare and housework are not evenly distributed across genders incredibly silly.

McFluffster · 14/04/2012 10:27

The fact that I would benefit financially from the breakdown of my marriage makes me feel a bit grubby tbh. If we broke up I would only take what I brought to the relationship which was comparatively not much!

Helltotheno · 14/04/2012 10:35

Well if my marriage broke down, I would absolutely expect half of everything; I pretty much brought in half but if even if I hadn't, the same would apply because I gave up my career for a period to raise kids. The key thing imo is to be able to continue being financially self-supporting after a split...

OP on reading some of your posts again, it sounds like part of you wants to move on anyway? I could be totally mistaken...

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 10:49

I have never heard a man express this level of desire for marriage tbh.

seeker · 14/04/2012 10:52

Because men haven't been brought up with the idea that his wedding day will be the happiest day of his life and a culmination of his achievements. They haven't been encouraged to plan and save for the wedding. There aren't wedding shows for men, and magazines about men's weddings and Father of the Groom outfits in the window of BHS.................

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 10:59

I know it is ridiculous. I can't believe people still buy into all that. You should be able to sign a bloody form and get on with your life

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 11:03

Actually men resist marriage because they understand it's a formal contract to share. As it's normally women who sacrifice their careers and earnings to bear children, it IS absolutely in women's best interests to have a formal contract to share. If you are a decent feminist, you should marry to protect yourself nd your children.

I find Seeker's view very 80s.

seeker · 14/04/2012 11:06

No. If you are a decent feminist, you should put in place everything that is necessary to protect yourself and your children. This does not necessarily include marriage.

seeker · 14/04/2012 11:08

Excellent decade, the 1980s. We didn't realise that the progress we as young feminists had made in the 1970s would be thrown away by the young women of the 2000s. If anybody had told us we wouldn't have believed them.

noddyholder · 14/04/2012 11:11

Smile too true. The idea of women waiting around to be asked??? If you want the security and he doesn't want marriage then you need to get certain legals in place and also to think about your career once kids go to school OR if it is such a deal breaker get married first as a condition of having children.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 11:12

Seeker - you're failing I distinguish between a marriage and a wedding. The former is a formal contract to share and the latter is a ghastly dress, a greedy present list, an exchange of rings to mark ownership, a passing of a woman from man to man. Ugh.

seeker · 14/04/2012 11:15

Littlefrieda, I understand the distinction- but not many other people seem to!

McFluffster · 14/04/2012 11:29

I think if it was a case of signing a form more people would go for it. Most of the weddings I've been to are massive affairs and it's become almost expected in my friendship group that if there is a wedding it will be a big, lavish weekend rather than a quick service and a few drinks.

Rather than just nip down the registry to protect their rights, people want to have a big celebration which is time and cost and pressure and probably puts a lot of people off.

Helltotheno · 14/04/2012 11:29

the latter is a ghastly dress, a greedy present list, an exchange of rings to mark ownership, a passing of a woman from man to man. Ugh.

You might say 'ugh' but the above is the holy grail for so-o many women, to the point where they allow their judgement to be clouded as to whether they actually have a suitable marriage partner, when all the weddding crapology dies down.

LittleFrieda · 14/04/2012 11:45

The OP has already said she has no need of a wedding: she merely wants to marry. There's nothing sinister about her desire, I don't know why people are being rude to her.