Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I think my husband is a liar and cheat

153 replies

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 12:22

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 12:26

Is he allowed any female friends at all?

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 12:30

Of course he's allowed female friends. He has never really had many female friends though and works in a very male oriented environment.

I don't object to him having female friends at all, I object to him keeping female friends 'secret' and flirting with them when he wouldn't like the same behaviour from me. In fact, he objects to me having male friends now I think about it.

OP posts:

nizlopi · 11/04/2012 12:34

"had a complete paddy about it"

Paiviaso · 11/04/2012 12:37

So let me get this straight. You told him he is not allowed to look at porn. You look through his messages with other females and get angry with him because you feel the conversations are flirty. You check his phone.

And you don't understand why he doesn't feel like coming home?

marriedinwhite · 11/04/2012 12:37

Having been married for years, I don't think the porn thing, providing it isn't obscene, is a big deal to be honest. Remembers dh once managing to save the icon on the family computer - and we still laugh about that!

Have never looked at dh's phone - have never felt the need to. He has female colleagues - I don't think he has female friends and his old flames are long since married and gone to seed.

Perhaps he keeps them female friends secret because of your reaction to the porn?

Facebook has a lot to answer for. Glad I'm not on it.

MsVestibule · 11/04/2012 12:37

Worra, I'm not sure why you'd ask if he's allowed any female friends at all? From the OP, she doesn't sound like the jealous type, just a bit pissed off that's she's discovered he's sending flirtatious messages to an old flame.

OP, perhaps you shouldn't have checked his phone, but rightly or wrongly, I would have done exactly the same in that situation! I think his behaviour is a pretty suspect and perhaps when he deigns to return home, you might want to have a little chat about it all. Although if I doesn't believe that he's done anything wrong, I'm not sure how far you'll get .

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 12:41

She sounds jealous to me MsVest and a bit controlling re the porn. If he felt pressured into agreeing not to look at it and then looked at it on the privacy of his own phone...at least he's not parading it in front of the OP's face.

OP were the messages really flirty or do you think you might be reading more into them as you're unhappy?

Inertia · 11/04/2012 12:43

YANBU.

Looking at his phone could justifiably be considered an invasion of his privacy. However, suggestive conversations with ex girlfriends is a pretty big breach of trust and respect, as is secretly meeting up with them on nights away. Having friends of the opposite sex isn't the same as this situation.

PerryCombover · 11/04/2012 12:47

You either trust him or you don't
Neither will prevent him from cheating on you if he wants to. Acting in a suspicious way constantly might drive him to end the relationship.

Up to you.
Sometimes therapy an help you sift through your emotions and is worth a try

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 12:49

He met up with his friend's ex girlfriend on a night out. The OP hasn't said whether it was intentional or not.

Proudnscary · 11/04/2012 12:51

Harsh Worra, very harsh.

For some women it's a deal breaker, looking at porn. Most women accept it to a point, others don't at all.

Also I think if my dh was having numerous FB conversations with other women who weren't proper mates and were old flames then I'd be pissed off - and I don't have a jealous or possessive bone in my body.

FondleWithCare · 11/04/2012 12:52

Looking through his phone and messages was wrong but it's done now. If he knew that you disagree with porn then he was wrong to look at it, he is also wrong to be flirting with other women and to be avoiding the issue with you.

Is this a deal breaker for you or do you want to work through it?

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 12:59

I didn't 'tell him' he couldn't look at porn, I explained to him why it upset me. Admittedly partly down to slightly body insecurities after childbirth, but mostly that I find it offensive and degrading to women in general. He said he didn't want to upset me and would no longer look at it. I get that some men like to look at porn, and one of those might be my husband, but why the compulsion to still look at it when you know it will upset your wife?

He didn't deliberately look up the friend's ex, no. However, the conversations on Facebook only started after that and she never posted on his wall or anything, she chose to message him about 'how great it was to see him again', 'he's looking good' 'be great to see him again' etc. He had replied in a similar vein, surely that's flirty?

As for the recent conversation with an ex. I think part of the reason I find it odd/hurtful is that this is someone he claims to have never really liked that much in the first place. He didn't take her to work funcions for this reason and was mortified when he went to visit friends for the weekend whilst seeing her and she turned up at the local airport, ringing him when she arrived there to 'suprise' him. Had it been an old flame he'd remained friends with after breaking up and was fond on in a platonic way, then I think that would be different.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:03

I'm just guessing here that it was easier to agree to not look at porn than it was to argue with you. Whether that's right or wrong - giving in for an easy life and then looking at it on his phone like so many men do, well people's opinions will always be divided on that here.

'how great it was to see him again', 'he's looking good' 'be great to see him again' etc. He had replied in a similar vein, surely that's flirty?

It's certainly not my idea of flirty, no.

FallenCaryatid · 11/04/2012 13:05

OP, wouldn't you be better off having this thread moved to relationships?

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:14

"He didn't deliberately look up the friend's ex, no. However, the conversations on Facebook only started after that and she never posted on his wall or anything, she chose to message him about 'how great it was to see him again', 'he's looking good' 'be great to see him again' etc. He had replied in a similar vein, surely that's flirty? "

Why don't you write his responses for him: "you look shit. It's awful to see you again. Would probably throw up if I met you in the flesh"?

Jesus christ OP that's not being flirty, that's generic platitudes you say to someone after not hearing from them for a while, even if they do look like shit!

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:18

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it then, but it did seem flirty to me, with 'winky' faces etc.

OP posts:

Agincourt · 11/04/2012 13:24

this is more about the lying than the actual subject isnt it? :( and of course you aren't unreasonable to want the person you are sharing your life with to be honest with you

Agincourt · 11/04/2012 13:25

I think you reading too much into the female friend thing because he is making you feel insecure through not being honest, that's quite a normal response

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:27

When he's made to feel like dirt for something as harmless as porn, then secrecy is understandable.

OP sounds dangerously controlling. Were scenarios reversed, we'd have links to woman's aid by now.

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:27

On the face of it, checking his phone and conversations in search if winky faces does seem excessive and stalkerish. You do seem to bre picking at straws here and i can see why your OH might find that a bit unnerving.

Is there anything else about his behaviour that could perhaps shed some light over your quick judgements on him with this?

I think that you have convinced yourself that you are correct in order to justify your behaviour.

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:28

Yes, I think you're right and it is more about the lying.

I'm out of my comfort zone, I have always been very confident and the whole lying about the porn thing really threw me. He knew how I felt about porn in general and I suppose that is why he hid it in the first place.

I suppose also this brings about a bigger issue which is that he cannot ever discuss anything, he either goes into a 'sulk' where he sort of looks at his feet and doesn't say anything or does this whole going off and just not talking at all thing. We can never properly discuss anything.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:29

I think it can be a vicious circle sometimes.

If you live with someone who's so insecure you can't message a member of the opposite sex without it being seen as flirting, I expect you avoid telling them because all the hassle wears you down.

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:31

worra Quite.

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:31

myMiyagi I don't think all the women forced to work in the porn industry due to circumstances, or the women trafficked into it would see it as 'harmless'.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread