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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my husband is a liar and cheat

153 replies

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 12:22

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding.

OP posts:

Agincourt · 11/04/2012 13:32

yes I agree it's a viscous circle for both of them.

Would he go to marriage guidance with you? It might help to have someone neutral to help you work on discussing things with one another?

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:35

aaaaaggghh I'm sorry but I find your views on porn very alarmist. i take it, by your standards, you boycott clothes at all because there are SOME manufacturers who use slave and child labour?

MsVestibule · 11/04/2012 13:35

OK, now I agree with Worra. (Damn, I hate switching sides, makes me look a right wuss.) No, I don't think those are particularly flirty, it's the sort of thing I would write to a male acquaintance and would mean absolutely nothing by it.

As I've got older I'm now positively ancient at 41 I'm less tolerant to porn than I was, and wouldn't like my DH looking at it. But I think I would put up with it if necessary.

Having said all that, I do feel for you. The feeling of not being able to trust your OH must be awful, and if he is "innocent", it can't be good for him to know you don't trust him. How is your relationship generally? I do think counselling may help, as communication between the two of you does seem to be a bit of a problem at the moment.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:36

Oh please let's not turn this thread into a 'forced to work in the porn industry'

Not everyone who works in it is forced...some are perfectly happy.

Just as not every child and adult who helped to produce your computer/mobile phone/chocolate and tea will have been forced to work in abusive conditions.

Still, the fact that some are, don't stop you from using those industries.

That's really a non starter and I think if you were honest, you'd say it was more to do with your own insecurites (that you've mentioned) than the fact some people may have been forced into porn OP.

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:36

Worra I do see exactly what you're saying, but I have never been insecure. If anything it is him who has been insecure, always thinking I would leave him etc. Getting annoyed about me having male friends on Facebook, or in fact, male friends at all.

It would never have occurred to me to check his phone or check up on him in any way prior to all this and we have been together a decade. It's still out of character for me, it's not like I spend all my time wondering about it. I have always been very secure in the fact that he would never lie to me, never be unfaithful to me, would never so much as look at another woman tbh until all this. One f the reasons I checked his phone was that he has been behaving a bit oddly recently (as I said in my OP) and has been staying at work a lot. The first time I noticed the messages, it was accidental, he had asked me to email his Mum and I clicked on the wrong email by mistake and it was a notification from FB with a message.

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:37

*boycott buying clothes

Agincourt · 11/04/2012 13:37

I feel uncomfortable about porn and the unrealistic expectations of the female form because of it. I don't think it's that unusual a viewpoint!

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:39

And, for the record, he is saying he doesn't know why he looks at porn to shut you up because the truth of it would madden you further. He watches it because he doesn't always want sex. You seem to assume taht because you have a high sex drive and are open minded to fantasy that the guy can't possible need to have a wank every now and then.

StrandedBear · 11/04/2012 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PluckedViolets · 11/04/2012 13:41

OP, if this is seriously bothering you then I suggest you start this topic in 'Reationships' where you will get a more sympathetic audience.

Porn in AIBU tends to end in a gunfight sadly :(

loopylou6 · 11/04/2012 13:41

I think some of you are being really mean to the op, she's obviously upset and has come for advice, not to be patronized :(
Op I understand why you're so upset, the secrecy is really not on, and Fwiw I wouldn't be happy with the comments and winky faces either.

It sounds like you have a manchild on your hands here.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:42

You clicked on the wrong email that said " Facebook. You have a message from (insert name that's not his Mothers)"

By accident?

Look, if you snooped then you snooped...it's done now.

What I think you need to concentrate on is your insecurity and why you see those messages as flirty, when to be honest they're nothing other than polite banter.

If it's the porn that's making you insecure and feeling justified in going through your DH's private mails/phone, then you two probably do need some sort of counselling.

differentnameforthis · 11/04/2012 13:42

Facebook has a lot to answer for

No, the people who use facebook have a lot to answer for...there is nothing wrong with facebook!

PluckedViolets · 11/04/2012 13:42

OMG!! worse typo ever! That should of course read bunfight.

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:43

loopy this isn't an advice section. It's a section where peopole come to ask if they are being unreasonable or not. If i thought she wasn't being unreasonable then I'd tell hjer so but I really do think she is being VU! especially about the ritualistic snooping.

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:44

Look, there are a number of reasons I do not like porn or the porn industry and never have done, all of those have nothing to do with any insecurity. However, my husband knew my feelings on it when we met and apparently agreed with them then, so either he's changed his view or is lying and I do not like being lied to. Some people may view porn as 'harmless'. I do not. However, the point here is that he has broken my trust.

I also know that is those very same messages had been between me and an old male friend or old flame on FB, he would not have liked it at all. I have said though that maybe I over reacted and of course, I should not have checked his phone.

I have suggested counselling numerous times in the last year, I think it would help. He agrees but then avoids it and when I made an appointment he made an excuse and cancelled.

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:44

differentname I agree. Too often it's the technology or service taht gets the blame instead of those who misuse them.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:45

Why is having a different view point to the OP, 'really mean'?

Are we all supposed to nod in agreement with every single other person on the thread?

How would that help her?

Sometimes it's the mixture of POV that helps someone gain a little perspective.

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:45

Waiting for OP to answer AutumnSummers' clothing question...

Original poster

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 13:47

Worra I have said several times that I in no way feel justified for looking at my husband's FB account and that I was wrong to do so. However, looking at it this time was the only 'snooping' I have done.

Have you never clicked on a wrong email? Really? I do it all the time, I have a touch screen phone and my fingers are clearly clumsy!

OP posts:

FondleWithCare · 11/04/2012 13:48

at gunfight.

It doesn't matter why the OP doesn't like porn. She doesn't, he knows that, he agreed not to watch it but did anyway. That's disrespectful.

I think you need to make it clear that counselling has to happen to keep your relationship.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 13:49

Ok so his behaviour towards you is unreasonable because if you'd received those messages from a male friend, he wouldn't be happy either?

Therefore I think you're both unreasonably jealous.

Unless something gives on either or both sides, your relationship probably won't last.

Or if it does, it'll just be full of misery, jealousy and control.

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:50

Why were ever "accidentally" in his email account to "accidentally" click on one?

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 13:50

why were you ever

AutumnSummers · 11/04/2012 13:51

Fondle I think the question is wther he agreed to it or was bullied into it. If the latter, it's hardly a mutual understanding made during a discussion. It really sounds here more like she was telling him what to do rather than talking to him.

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