I think my husband is a liar and cheat

[aaaaggghh]

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding.

On a side note, Imagine continuing to do something (so needless) that caused the person you love to feel more insecure about themselves.

Of course people have to deal with their own insecurities but surely a loving partner knowingly contributing to them is wrong?

Porn is not essential! Compromise and understanding are though.

Despite what you may think, merely disagreeing with the patron saint is not bullying.

Did you, or did you not type that, worra ?

Unless you have transferred your sarky comments about "patron saints" to aaaaagh, then you were talking about me.

[very hard stare] Worra and Any

This is unfair - the thread is now being sabotaged.

There can surely be another thread for your points... but I really think that the decent thing to do is to assit the OP, not rip her to shreds.

Let me tell you all that the kind of behaviour displayed in the latter part odf this thread has also to ME and it fucking HURTS. I made the mistake of posting in AIBU.

that's 'been directed at me'. God I'm typo Queen this avo.

I thought my ears were burning

No worries, PV, I will come back if the OP comes back

Hmm I like that .... 'PV'.... has a certain ring to it

OP come back!!!!!!

if you work in a medical field, "PV" certainly has a "ring" to it < ahem >

Why? Oh gawd is it something embarrassing?

OP I'm not going to get into the porn debate.

I just want to say that I was in a very similar situation in a very long marriage in which I honestly believed that my exh shared and respected my beliefs about porn. I also believed he would never do anything to break the trust I had in him. I always knew we individually had many many colleagues, trainees and 'old friends' some of whom admired, respected and yes - would have wanted more than he and I were prepared to give. I was comfortable with that as I believed us both committed to the marriage.

Until my instincts and my deep knowledge of my exh told me that one particular 'friendship' wasn't what it seemed or what he insisted it was. If only I'd known about MN then but I didn't. What I did with my unease and doubts was what some early posters have suggested - I told myself I was unrreasonable, jealous, controlling and so on. And so did he.

Fast forward 6 years or so and I have been divorced just under a year after I discovered (by checking his phone, yes and it saved my sanity so I make no apology to anyone for that) his second affair and the years of betrayal he'd been engaged in - which I am sorry to say all started with some 'odd' behaviour.

So - please come back OP. You only need take the views here which fit for you. Something is wrong or you wouldn't have posted in the first place.

PV "per vagina" meaning "of or from the vagina" eg. in relation to bleeding thereof

it's not embarassing though, it's a factual term

I abbreviate everyone's name though (lazy sod), so don't take it personally

Actually that is vairy cool.

Orf to namechange now!

[twirls] you like? you like?

I've give it a MN twist. I think it'll rather suit.

Oi OP! Come back missus!

brilliant, am lovin' the name change !

I hope OP is ok, it's gone rather quiet

Hi arghh,

You really have had a hard time on here. Hope your okay.

I wouldn't dream of saying to somebody 'your looking good' to the opposite sex. Why would you? It's not something you say is it unless it is trying to show interest in another person. Maybe not that flirty as such but its showing more than just a friendship.

The reason he has got annoyed is because you have caught him out, Hes defensive now.

As regards to the porn thing - you dont like it or agree with it but he thinks it's okay. This again is down to communication, he's probably said he wont look at it again to avoid you getting angry and arguments but really he should have said he likes it and he wants to do it now again. I can see why he didn't tell you but its all about communication. Maybe compromise? Maybe watch it together?

Any news, has he come home?

I always have a massive great guffaw when the solution put forward for women who don't like porn is to "watch it together" with their porn-using partners

I don't like porn...I wouldn't watch it for anybody and definitely not to make my partner feel justified in doing so

I think OP is long gone, until the next time

Are you at it again af
Poor op.It depends on who is about for the response you get on these type of threads.
If you dont want your partner/father to yiur dc looking at porn or going on 2 week stag dos involving lap dancing then you are labelled insecure or frigid.
I hope not,but i feel in years to come a few people may have to eat a large slice of hunble pie

or even humble pie

at what again, ledkr ? Guffawing ? I do a lot of that, on these threads

Me too,its guffaw or die in these situations