I think my husband is a liar and cheat

[aaaaggghh]

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding.

AND THE bloke looks at porn as he's a bloke and wants a quiet wank.
Does the op never masturbate ?

I sometimes speak to another on an account I have. I suppose my h would not be pleased by it if he was forced to confront it. He'd have to go a fair way to make himself aware of it though.

The thing is a bit of flirtation is ALL it is. I wouldn't cheat on him. I wouldn't meet, send pics etc.
It's daft and no doubt wrong in many people's eyes but I enjoy it from time to time and it's separate from my life and fun/flattering.
I am unaware of what my h does. Could be less, could be more, could be nothing at all but until he brings it to my attention I won't know.

I love my h. I love the freedom we afford each other.

I have to agree with inertia about projection. The fact that he has problems with you being friends with men and not trusting you with them would lead me to think that it's because he is doing something wrong so accusing you of the same wrongdoing.

I strongly suggest that if you want to stay with him then you make him realise that it is either counselling or a very high chance of the relationship ending.

why do people persist in blending those 2 words "masturbate" and "porn" like they are synonymous

Well AF I know that, in the times I've watched porn, I haven't been drinking coffee while I was at it.

It's a quick fix isn't it. Watch people rutting. Get turned on (or not) and wank away

Never masturbated without porn then? That's what AF is referring to.

If you have, why do so many posters on here seem to think men are incapable of doing the same?

Or do you all think that men are too stupid to have thoughts or to read - and can only cope with visual media?

When he's made to feel like dirt for something as harmless as porn, then secrecy is understandable.

It's obviously not harmless in this relationship, Believe it or not every couple are different. Seriously porn industry aside, If I knew something like me watching porn made my DP feel unhappy I would have no problem not watching it anymore. Caring how you actions affect your partners feeling is a fundamental part of a relationship especially if I had told DP I was also against watching porn.

People have strong views, Morals and objections to all sorts of things and when you choose to spend your life with someone who you think have the same objections it can feel like a serious betrayal to discover that they have lied.

aaaaggghh These feelings are valid no matter how much the "Oh it's just a bit of porn" brigade harp on (Sorry, but sometimes you do).

How are things? Have you guys spoken about it?

I don't think fish ever know either of their parents :(

That sounds sad but maybe better on a different board

like the great outdoors?

Hatty, don't waste your breath

For some women, nothing but nothing should get in the way of their partner's porn use. Heaven forbid !

and yes, I know some women like watching filmed sexual abuse too, as some of you never tire of telling anyone willing to listen

you especially like telling the vulnerable posters who have already said they have a problem with it, don't you ?

Horrible to read this thread all in one go and see the belittling, haranguing and piss-taking of the OP. Posters should perhaps ask themselves why they feel the need to do that to someone who asked for help. Trying to get her to admit that she's lying about her dislike of the porn industry and is instead 'insecure' is especially low and nasty.

it makes it ok though, Hatty, because this thread was originally in AIBU

I've known women to have a problem with their DP's watching porn only because of their own insecurities, and after a long and candid discussion (where no-one's opinions were silenced) they've actually changed their opinions on it.

They've realised their DP's don't necessarily want to have sex with the women in the films, they realised their DP's actually love them and their bodies just the way they are and they've come away seeing porn as nothing more than a visual aid to help with masturbation.

That made me happy because in the end, they were happy.

So with regards to 'never tiring of telling anyone willing to listen'....it's no different to those who never tire of telling anyone they don't like porn.

Again, it's all down to individual views and opinions that people are entitled to post. Some will be helpful and some won't...but that's really down to the person with the problem to decide once they're read all contributions to their thread.

AF, Filmed sexual abuse?? statements like this are nothing but femenist propaganda and are exactly the kind of comment that gives me the negative opinion I have of hard-core femenists in general.

Autumn, your negative opinion is something I can learn to live with

oh yes because all women are insecure and that's the whole problem

the woman in the original post is insecure because her partner lies to her. She has a problem with porn for other reasons, read her posts.

the rise in vaginpolasty with respect to increased porn use isn't propoganda

This poster wasn't one of them Worral. She told you quite clearly that she disliked the porn industry and why. But you refused to believe her.

You replied: "That's really a non starter and I think if you were honest, you'd say it was more to do with your own insecurites (that you've mentioned) than the fact some people may have been forced into porn OP."

She insisted she wasn't insecure and had never felt insecure.

You replied: "If it's the porn that's making you insecure and feeling justified in going through your DH's private mails/phone, then you two probably do need some sort of counselling."

This, after saying she sounded 'controlling about porn' despite her being open and honest with her partner about her boundaries right from the start and only having misgivings about him when she found out he had lied to her and had secret interactions with more than one woman.

Agincourt you equate the rise to porn where I would equate it to avaliability. We are all influened in many ways. To put the spotlight on one factor seems a bit short sighted.

god I could go on but I don't think it's necessary