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Original poster

I think my husband is a liar and cheat

153 replies

aaaaggghh · 11/04/2012 12:22

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding. Sad

OP posts:
Malificence · 11/04/2012 14:40

Funny how Mrmyagi likes to dole out the questions but he's not so keen on answering them Hmm
Never mind, he has answered one question, albeit unknowingly. No surprises there then.

AliceHurled · 11/04/2012 14:40
AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 14:40

you ok, aaaaagh ?

redredruby · 11/04/2012 14:40

Ahem, yes that might have sounded a tad too enthusatic

Malificence · 11/04/2012 14:42

I like hula hoops, but I feel a bit sick after scoffing the last of my Thorntons fudgey easter egg.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2012 14:43

I didn't get any easter eggs Sad

McFluffster · 11/04/2012 14:48

He doesn't sound trustworthy and could probably do with a short, sharp shock tbh.

Looking at the phone was justified IMO because you thought something was amiss and it turned out it was. I have no problem with my oh looking at my phone nor does he his as we have nothing to hide.

If its all so innocent, get yourself a couple of admiring male friends and leave pictures of hunky men all over the computer etc. See how he feels then.

MrMiyagi · 11/04/2012 14:54

What question have I refused to answer? it's certainly not deliberate

MissFaversham · 11/04/2012 15:03

Did you get rumbled then MrMiyagi Grin

Clytaemnestra · 11/04/2012 15:12

I messaged a male friend at 12:30AM on facebook yesterday, just a few line chatty note. I was catching up on all my messages and happened to be still up. Am astounded at the idea that if his girlfriend saw that, I would be the suspicious OW because of the time!

I don't think what you've posted here in terms of the messages sounds suspicious on his part, they sound pretty generic. I do think you sound insecure, that you had to clarify that you're the sex goddess type so how could he possibly need to have any other kind of fantasy seems to suggest that you don't like anything that threatens the role you play there.

MissFaversham · 11/04/2012 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

McHappyPants2012 · 11/04/2012 15:18

Even though I am married I still flirt, the flirts are between male friend it more banter than because I fancy them, and I have no issues with porn.

Op do you want to continue your relationship or could this be worked out.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 15:22

Why do people attack other posters for simply having a different point of view?

I really don't get that.

By all means disagree with people but 'nasty bastards'?

Because they don't all agree? Confused

Malificence · 11/04/2012 15:29

You really have to ask that Worra?
Your posting style is hugely aggressive and you tend to make demeaning comments to any woman who is distressed by her partner's porn use.

MNHQ
KatMumsnet · 11/04/2012 15:50

Hi, we've moved this into Relationships. Thanks.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 15:55

Malificence I post how I post.

I post what I think and why I think it.

Some people agree and some people disagree...as will all discussion forums.

However, insulting other posters merely because they hold a different view point, is imo what puts a lot of people off posting their opinions and view points.

We're all adults here, I don't see the need for insults.

Kayano · 11/04/2012 16:01

Imagine if my husband was checking my phone

There would be shouts that he was controlling...

This is apparently ok though? O......k? Hmm

You obv don't trust him op so just leave him. I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust

And AF the op said there was a message from the woman at 2am, not that the husband had messages her at 2am. They really didn't sound flirty anyway. Just generic old friend stuff.

I'll not comment on the porn because personally I don't mind it

MissFaversham · 11/04/2012 16:06

If it looks like a fish and swims like a fish, it generally is one Worra.

OP, I'm glad this has been moved for you. You'll get far more balanced help and guidance here.

I'm not very wordy and tend to get straight to the point.

What I will say is I would have looked too, I'd be down his pockets the lot from what your post is telling me.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2012 16:09

Well yes, fish can be bastards too.

Not generally for posting their own opinions though...

MissFaversham · 11/04/2012 16:11

My "viewpoint" was/is there are some nasty bastards on here. I didn't single any one person out, it was a general statement of what I found to be true.

Inertia · 11/04/2012 16:19

The two main issues seem to be that your DH has lied, apparently repeatedly; and that he has repeatedly refused to seek help with relationship issues, or to resolve problems with you .

Whatever the rights and wrongs of porn, he knew it was a big deal for you. He could have stopped, or he could have been honest and said that he held a different view and intended to carry on, but instead he lied. There might be nothing to the flirty messages and nights away, but he hid them and then refused to talk about them when you came across them. You say he won't allow you to have male friends due to jealousy - could he be projecting here, banning you because he knows what he's up to ?

Maybe he does feel nagged, or not trusted. But him staying away from home in a strop isn't going to solve any problems with the relationship.

Hattytown · 11/04/2012 16:29

I'm just going to concentrate on your posts OP.

Yes it looks like your husband is a cheat and a liar. He lied to you that he would stop using porn. He told lies of omission about the woman he met up with, because if it had been an innocent meeting he would have mentioned it. The same applies to the women he was in contact with in cyberspace, because if these had been innocent friendships or interactions, he would have mentioned them.

He sulks and runs away when called to account - that is when his counter-attacks don't work. He's jealous and possessive and from your first post, sounds crap in bed. You don't trust him because he's untrustworthy.

I think he is trying to be unfaithful with anyone who will have him, so the 'unappealing' ex is no great surprise. His only requirement might be that she's willing.

You'd be best advised to ignore anyone who tells you you're over-reacting about porn, or that he has justifications for lying to you.

The man who lies, keep secrets and uses porn is very often a man who will be unfaithful at the first opportunity so in that sense this behaviour is not abnormal.

Putting up with it in a relationship though is very unhealthy and not to be advised.

MsNorbury · 11/04/2012 16:33

I wouldn't see anything wrong with looking at email if you had a suspicion.
Don't think texts are flirty.

Think you have body issues. Do you have your own job social life etc?

PluckedViolets · 11/04/2012 16:33

Hear hear Hattytown!

MsNorbury · 11/04/2012 16:35

I think he doesn't mention meeting mates as she will go on about it.
I meet male mates all the time. It doesn't follow that I'm
Unable to control myself and have to have mad hot sex with them. They are mates. H is cool with this. His trust makes me love him more.

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