I think my husband is a liar and cheat

[aaaaggghh]

A while ago my husband was looking at porn on the internet. I was very upset about it, not just because he was looking at it, but because of my feelings about porn in general. Plus, I have a much higher sex drive than him and am much more 'advernturous' than him, so it's not like he couldn't come to me if he wanted sex or had a specific fantasy etc. He agreed him looking at porn was offensive to me and he didn't know why he looked at it etc and he didn't need to and wouldn't again.

Fast forward a year or so and he lent me his mobile to look online and a porn site came up in the history. I immediately asked him about it and he did the usual defensive behaviour, got a bit angry, didn't know why he looked at it etc etc.

Then I found out he had met up with an ex girlfriend of a friend of his on a night out while he was away and they had been messaging each other on Facebook. He hadn't done anything 'obvious' but she was extremely flirty with him and he was flirting back, albeit without actually saying he wanted to shag her. He deleted all his female friends from Facebook after that (no need for that IMO) and had a complete paddy about it. It was never really resolved.

Then last week (and I know it was a bad idea!) I looked on his phone as he'd left it on the side and he has been acting oddly lately. There was a Facebook conversation with an old flame of his and again, he hadn't said anything untoward, but there was obvious flirting going on and he was encouraging it and there were messages from her at 2am etc.

I admitted to him last night that I'd seen the messages and he had a go at me for looking at his phone. I agreed I shouldn't have done, but he obviously wanted to keep this from me. I know full well that if the situation were reversed and I was messaging an old flame he would be very upset about it, he can be a little jealous and insecure, although he has no reason to be. He stormed out last night and he is working today so we can't talk, but he says he is staying at work (he has accomodation there) and doesn't want to speak to me/text me. I think it's more a case of he can't justify his behaviour and so just wants to avoid the issue.

I always completely trusted him before all this and now I'm not sure what else he is hiding.

*wether

How do you know he would react the same? Projection?

OP yanbu. Ignore the people who are trying to make you doubt yourself and get ye to relationships. You don't need to justify yourself.

It's fine to have a 'different opinion' worra but making snide comments when someone is clearly upset is, imo ' a bit mean '
where did I say that everyone should nod along in agreement?

I really think it would help both you if you managed to get some marriage guidance together. I take it the marriage is quite a young marriage (and I don't mean that patronising) and sometimes it's difficult to discuss everything effectively when you don't know how to, it's where places like relate come into their own really.

Well none of us know how the conversation went but she has said that they have been together for 10 years and that he's known what her views are from the start. If she said that it's a deal breaker for her at the beginning then he had a choice to not watch it or to not get into a serious relationship with her.

Totally agree with athinginyourlife
op request this thread to be deleted, and start a new one in relationships, you will get a lot of support and advice there rather than people rubbing their hands together with glee waiting to tear chunks out of you, coz this is aibu afterall Innit, its a free for all bunfight

AThingInYourLife What an awful way to describe people with different points of view.

athinginyourlife is right. Go to relationships, they'll tell you everything you want to hear, and give you great advice on how to spy on him further. Try not to let the fact they rejoice in breaking up relationships put you off.

loopy get over yourself. You are basically telling the OP to go to a place where you believe she will be told that she is correct. If I saw this posted in relationships I'd say te same there as here.

This thread teaches the same lesson as do many others.

Time was when one could simply say, never read each other's letters. Now it is necessary to add, never check each other's phones, never read each other's email, never inspect each other's internet history,... . But the reason is eternal: because it never ever does any good.

No by posting in relationships she'll get relationship advice rather than people after a bun fight. If she wants to he told she's right about porn, I'd suggest feminism. Different boards have different purposes and cultures. This is MN 101.

No not at all, I believe she will get advice not jumped on.

autumn he has known my views since the start of our relationship.

mrmiyagi I know he wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed because when my Facebook account was new and I'd added some male friends he 'questioned' me about who they were, how i knew them, why they were on there etc. I told him they were friends/colleagues etc and obviously purely platonic. So I had male friends on FB, he had female friends and all was fine, except the occasional comment of 'who was that who commented on your photo etc'

He's always made comments if I go out about me 'getting male attention' etc and similar. He has always admitted this is unreasonable of him and that he was being silly thinking men would/could 'steal' me (his own words) so I've always known he felt like that but it's never been a problem.

We've been together almost ten years. Until I knew he'd been looking at porn, there was never any problem at all.

I think this should be in relationships as everyone is giving the OP a right old bashing here

I for one don't like pawn or what it stands for but if the other partner is ok with it, which clearly the OP isn't, then fair enough, which is clearly NOT the case here.

I also wouldn't like my partner to be texting other women that "Just happen to appear on the scene" either. I'd be smelling a bloody rat too.

OP, you said you feel a bit insecure bodywise at the moment, what is your partner doing to help you with this? Have you told him how you feel?

There does look like a vicious circle is beginning to emerge here. OP time for a "chat" and maybe some councilling.

"porn" teeehee

OP, unless he showed a similar interest in your female friends, then yes, he was being unreasonable to grill you over that. Stand up to him over it though.

Is there any way you can make him see how important it is to your marriage that you at least TRY counselling? I know he backed out before but if he sees that it could spell the end if you don't then it might jolt him into going.

aaaaagh I am sorry to see the reaction you are getting from the "AIBU kings and queens"

You would have been better posting this in relationships, and get some support, not made to feel it's your fault that your partner acts in a decidedly dodgy manner

I think you are spot-on with your assessment of your partner's behaviour, and I would assume guilt if my H basically refused to discuss an issue I had to the point of completely removing himself from the situation

personally, I think the best thing you did was snoop on his phone, because now you know what you are dealing with

a liar, and a dickhead that messages OW at 2am, then stonewalls you

some women can live with that, and some men will try and tell you that you are driving him to it, but I disagree

a lack of respect for you is at the heart of his repeated pissing around, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it on purpose to teach you a lesson

either way....stupid pillock who can't even be arsed to cover his trail or more sinister deliberate winding you up....for me it would be a deal breaker

and you do not have to justify yourself to the AIBU sharks who simply wait on here circling around to snap the heads off anyone who expresses anything other than their cookie-cutter "I'm alright jack" mentality

I seem to remember you and I have had some cross words in the past, but you know what, I believe you and I think you deserve some support not criticism and dubious "I'm so cool, and you're so crap" one-upmanship

I am actually a little in love with anyfucker

come sit on my knee, ruby

I have Hula Hoops, and Jeremy Kyle

< puts a Hula Hoop on every finger >

Squeels in delight, thanks, i shall!