Time wasters need not apply, Soul Soothers come hither Dating Chat Part 11

[hatesponge]

Ta-da! Think this is the first one I've started.

I am still feeling somewhat feisty. Told my team off at work for being too noisy and was generally stroppy. Might have to go and start a row in AIBU or something!

So, dating, as you were etc

Not forgetting of course that I have a second date at the weekend!

MLM you don't need to be friends to have sex with someone. Or more than friends. I'm feeling a bit worried that he is perfectly happy with how things are at the moment while you're hoping there's going to be more to it.

But given my lack of experience of men I'm not sure my interpretation of things is necessarily that useful

I don't think we can base an honest appraisal of the status of a relationship based on an 'x' at the end of a text. some people are generous with their textual kisses, some are not.

if it hurts now, it will hurt a hell of a lot less than in six months time once you're sucked even further in. I think you need to ask what is going on. That doesn't have to be done in a needy or ultimatum-y kind of way, but the potential needs to be defined. If he has no intent of progressing the relationship in the way that you would like or expect then he's stringing you along for sex or for his convienience and you will get deeply hurt.

:(

MLM remember you are brave & strong!

Better to know now exactly what he is after than potentially set yourself up for him stringing you along because he is a "bit scared". If I am right in thinking that he is about the same age as you, I'm going to place a fairly safe bet that he is not that scared & will continue to "be friends" WITH BENEFITS, for as long as you let him.

Come on now - where was that tough woman of last week who wasn't going to let anyone mess her around. Be brave now & find out to avoid a whole heap of pain later.

I will see him once more, see what happens then ask. I suggested his friends, so quite possibly gave off the wrong signals. Stupid me. And I plan on just enjoying the feeling and just being with him. Not sounding quite so strong now.

snape I totally hear what you are saying. To be honest I 99.9% suspected the truth for the first 6 months of knowing him. None of their friends knew they were in an open relationship because he claimed that she didn't want them to know [hmmm] But then of course my flatmate let it slip to her boyfriend. He told all their mutual friends, and the proverbial hit the fan. So it's turned out it actually IS her idea. He isn't lying. He just genuinely thinks that once it's out of her system she will just want to be with him. They've only been open for 8 months.

So I'm good enough to shag whilst his girlfriend f**ks around It's breaking my heart. I even burst into tears talking to my hairdresser about it earlier. How terrible is that?

He knows I date other people but I don't go into any detail about it. Just like I won't discuss his girlfriend, I literally don't want to know. Although I did notice on Saturday he went VERY quiet when I started telling him how gorgeous I think the barman I humiliated myself asking out is. God forbid I might fancy anyone beside him!

MLM I can only second what everyone else has said about being careful. A man who only comes to your house for a bonk is using you for sex, and nothing more. You deserve better (says hypocritical me)

notsure I think you should talk and see what he has to say. You don't have to commit yourself either way. But I think it would be a shame to not meet up and discuss things at the very least. Maybe he has changed, and maybe he hasn't. There's only one way to find out!

He has been coming to see me for a while now, and its only been last time, we text all the time too. I won't get my hopes up but will enjoy the feeling. Never say never.

MLM I think next time he want's to see you that you need to suggest that you go on a proper date. Even if it's only to the pub, cinema or whatnot. His reaction will tell you all you need to know about how he is feeling.

Letting a man just come to your house all the time really isn't the way to do it. You are worth a lot more effort than that. Make him work a bit harder

really - and I mean this in the most sensitive way possible (it just won't sound like it) he is feeling low self esteem, because his gf wants/needs more than him, so he's got you to stroke his...ego. By you seeing other people, he rationalises that it's true that he isn't enough, so the cycle continues. personally, I'd go into detail about other people I am seeing. If I were drunk enough I'd say that I'm seeing other people because he won't or can't commit to you because of his gf, it doesn't make you happy, but you need a chance of happiness if it isn't going to happen with him.

His gf has chosen to be open, with his reluctant consent. that doesn't mean that he isn't shagging his gf, it doesn't mean he has to do likewise, he could just lie and say he is seeing someone. It does kind mean he is indulging in sexual tit-for-tat and trying to get 'one-up' on her by seeing you. you're better than that. you know you are.

This won't end unless his gf suddenly gets tired of the open relationship (why would she? the ability to shag who you want while your partner waits around for you to get it out of your system...then in all probaility he'll go back to her. where does that leave you?

Sorry, that sounds harsh. I'm really sympathetic, but I would try and create a little distance in preparation for what he currently sees as inevitable - that they will end up together/exclusive and you will be dropped. :( By creating the distance you are giving yourself the opportunity to move on and giving him the opportunity to consider what he really wants, the 'open' gf or someon who clearly adores him.

(sorry!)

Milk, I think Snape has this well summed up. It is going to be tough, but you shouldn't be his shag buddy. Sorry if I missed this - but have you ever told him you would like more from the set up?

Snape You are totally right. I know I need to create distance. I've already resolved not to text him. I know that he will just end up texting me eventually though, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to ignore.

Before I decided to never talk about his gf with him I would tell him that he doesn't really love her as much as he thinks. He wouldn't want to sleep with other people if he did. I think the whole set up is ridiculous and (for him) utterly humiliating.

Trouble is if they did decided not to be open any-more he would probably still want to be (just) friends. I think he does like me, he just isn't in love with me like I am with him

I wish I could find someone else to take my mind off him. How the heck I am supposed to do that though I don't know. I just keep getting constantly rejected, and it really hurts. I feel like I'm cursed. I left a bad relationship behind when I moved to London, and now I've walked slap bang straight into another hideous situation. It's sucking the life out of me.

mlm - didnt you say he told you he wanted to be just friends, because he didnt have time for a relationship and that you wanted more but accepted that. Im sure you said that. Kisses ending a etxt mean nothing. Im sorry but hes using you.

milk - sorry, i think snape has summed it up well.

Post Well when I first met him he was very clear that he loves his girlfriend, and doesn't want to leave her

I get the feeling that since then the scales have fallen off his eyes about how stupid their open relationship is. All their mates were horrified when they found out. I think deep down he knows they are pretty screwed, but he doesn't want to admit it.

If I tell him how I feel I will just get the 'But I love my girlfriend' speech, and I am NOT putting myself through such a humiliating experience. The very thought of it makes me want to voimit.

OMG, I had an email last night from someone I don't know with a photo attached. Sent from I phone. The subject line just said 'hello sexy lady'. I just opened it and he is stood looking in a mirror full length and naked.

It's my main email address and I don't get junk. Also I'm not on any sites. I don't recognise his name. I'm curious (fab body) to know how he got my email address and who he is. It's definitely a real person and I never get photos of naked men, ever, not even chatting to anyone online. Suitable reply suggestions please.

Milk, you need to end this torture. It is not good for you. Believe me, I know how hard it is but for your own sanity, I think you should ask him not to be in touch anymore unless he is free to have a relationship with you. He may be free to have sex with you, but he definitely isn't emotionally free.

milk , maybe you need to take some time out and concentrate on just you for a lttle while, let your wounds heal.

post I know that's what I should do. I just honestly don't think I can though. Not yet anyhow.

I wish I had never laid eyes on him The only good thing about it is that my flatmate found a lovely boyfriend through him. Except even that fecking sucks because I have to watch them being all loved up whilst I pine away.

God, I try not to feel sorry for myself over it, but some days I just can't stop the self pity.

what is it thats stupid about the open relationship milk?
I mean i cant see anything inherantly wrong with the idea..

Aww Milk you seem so lovely, but I agree with Snape too sorry. I've just remembered the gorgeous barman story, was that on this thread or while I was still lurking ?? Anyway, it reminded me of the sort of thing I'd do. There are a few places I when entering. And I hope to god I never need to call the fire service cos I have embarrassed myself with one or two of the firemen at the local station too Unless he realise the gf is actually using him for a free shag pass and ends it with her, he will continue using too. the prick

Lovesineffable - unless you are Milk of course - thats whats wrong with it.

Adams - just send an e-mail back saying "wow, what is that???It looks like a penis - just smaller"

After our first date I said just friends, and then he said it wouldn't be fair to have a relationship cos of what he has going on. Our first meet was great, cheap but great. But obviously not on a tacky way. I think I could actually handle fwb's, tomorrow I will text and ask, worst case scenario, he wants just friends, if that's the case, that's okay, if he wants more well i will be on a high.

loves Each to their own, but I personally think that that the agony I am going through is precisely what is wrong with open relationships. She has thrown her ) boyfriend out there, and seriously thought that nobody else would fall on love with him? really? I think MissKeithLemons comment on the subject sums it up nicely.

Oh and yes, It was indeed me with the gorgeous barman. I sure do like to humiliate myself. It's time I just accepted I'm going to end up alone, and childless and just suck it up.

Yes Adams That is definitely the reply email you should send. Who mails naked pictures of themselves to strangers? It just isn't cricket

adams! well, hello sexy man! can't you see his face at all? any distinguishing marks?! is it possible that it's a pic of someone else and a 'friend' has created an email address to wind you up. I'd just reply with 'what a pleasant surprise! you seem to have no clothes on at all! who is this?'

milk - i agree with a time out. Sometimes you try and apply the sticking plaster of different male company to distract, but the wounds are too deep and you bleed-through irregardless. Rest and recouperation, good books, excellent films (NO ROM COMS!) lovely female friends and a lot of wine. maintain silence. You know you have to distance and you know you deserve more, but I think as well that anyone you might meet deserves more than being a distraction to someone who is not teating you well. as 'time heals all wounds', 'time wounds all heels' He's a heel.

look after yourself!

you're NOT going to end up childless and alone! enough of that kind of talk!

I can see the benefits of an open relationship where people are inextricably entwined together and have the kind of love that will weather all storms. I can see it working if both members of an established relationship want to stretch their wings a little and I can see it would be of benefit to their relationship, it could strengthen their ties that they return having extinguished a curiosity that emotionally means little to their established partnership. I think it's possible for people to love more than one person and be intimately physically involved, fair play - they're the strong, entwined relationship that returns to each other no matter who they fuck. It's the other people who they sate their curiosity with who might get emotionally involved and therefore really hurt.

that said, and no wishing to give you false hope - I has poly friends, at his instigation (no, I didn't ) and he met his second wife through an open relationship, they now have a child, he isn't poly anymore, he's a devoted husband and father.

Or, 'thanks for the photo, it was a pleasant surprise. Let me tell you more about myself. My name is Derek and I'm a 20 stone, hairy handed trucker.

I darent look again on the works computer. Didn't see any tatts and his phone is hiding his face. His hand is placed on it so I cannot tell it's size. It must be generic 'hello sexy lady' = sent to a load of women. He he will ask him who he is and how come he has my email address tonight. Will report back.