Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Time wasters need not apply, Soul Soothers come hither Dating Chat Part 11

999 replies

hatesponge · 10/04/2012 21:22

Ta-da! Think this is the first one I've started.

I am still feeling somewhat feisty. Told my team off at work for being too noisy Blush and was generally stroppy. Might have to go and start a row in AIBU or something!

So, dating, as you were etc Grin

Not forgetting of course that I have a second date at the weekend!

OP posts:
notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:14

snape - he doesnt have a 12 inch cock made of gold Grin but having sex with him means something to me and i feel something with him. and while i have been singe i have slept with alot of other people and sex with them meant nothing to me.

good things:
i like how he gives me lovely sweet kisses on my head even tho he doesnt naturally come across as a really loving soppy type

when i have a hangover he knows i feel sorry for myself and cuddles me alot and suggests getting all cosy under the duvet with me Smile and its not about the sex as would do the same even when its time of the month.

i like the way he is metally and how we can have interesting and changelling conversations.

i like that he is a strong man and not needy like my ex

and when he gets in contact he get in my brain instantly, i was actually thinking about calling him last night but put myself to bed instead because i felt like i dont want to jump as soon as he is ready. then he text me while i was sleeping.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 12:18

notsure - why on earth would it be needy to say those things? damn, i dont censor what comes out of my mouth, you shoudnt have to hide how you feel, especially not with somone you are in a realationship with. if you cant say those things to him, then whats the point really? A relationship should be as emotionally close as it is physically close.

lovesineffable · 19/04/2012 12:18

re notsureas postb says, it will probably take a hell of alot of manoeuvring to flip this situation, from what you say you're giving him what he wants, ie sex, hoping that he will give you what you want, love security, feeling needed and valued etc.

Sounds to me as if you want a whole lot more than he does.

Perhaps if you stop giving him what he wants he will have a clearer idea of what he is missing without you in his life, but ultimately he may not want to invest that much, maybe you dont either?

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 12:20

time - i feel the same. more so, at the beginning these things are meant to happen natuarally, if they arent.. and you are having to push for them i dont think it bodes well. unfortunatley you cant make someone love you....

mr 41 has messaged me on the site - again.

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:27

I agree with watch, I don't play games and I don't hold back, I say what I feel and I mean what I say. I refuse to cause myself any unnecessary stress. I leave the wrinkles to nature, I do not do anything to cause them Grin Just be straight with him. Tell him what you are looking for, what you need from him if you are to embark on a relationship. Ask his if he thinks he can give you what you are looking for. If he falters, pauses, or curls up his nose then kick him in the bollocks walk away.

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:28

Remind me watch, is Mr 41 the builder who you are going to see? Confused

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 12:30

mr 41 is the date i had last wed. the one who is, surprisingly 41. and who made up a super hero with me.
and who, despite bating messages to and from on pof, a week later as as yet to ask me out again.

The builder, who ive not decided on yet is 35.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:35

loves - i dont think it just about the sex for him, as i have always wanted the sex more then him, thats why i get confused, as he says he just likes being with me wether we have sex or not and it was always me that pushed more for the sex. i feel like he likes me as a person and like talking to me about alot of things, but feel like he is scared to commit.

like i said earlier, we stopped seeing each other for 3months. then when we started talking again, we were talkking alot and talking about being in a relationship etc, but i didnt sleep with him when i saw him as didnt want to get emotionally involved with him again if it wasnt going to be a relationship. then he was in hospital and had an operation, thn was recovering etc so i havnt actually slept with him for a long time.

and now he is saying he wants us to be together properly and misses me all the time. so maybe he has had enough time to realise.

I feel like i would like to invest more into the relationship, but with our history feel like it is not going to work and seem to chicken out. its very dificult to get out of this routine we seem to have got into.

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:35

Oh yes, of course, I remember! Well, at least he is in touch, that's good. Smile Maybe he is plucking up courage Grin Send him a message "Look, are you going to ask me out or not cos your pension age is drawing closer and closer the longer you leave it!"

The builder could come in handy so keep him onside. You never know when you might need an extension!

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:36

time Grin i'm sure he would be half expecting me to kick him in the balls as he thinks i am a warrior Grin

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:37

Maybe you have got yourself a Mr Unavailable notsure. Or maybe he has been up to now. Just make sure that he isn't now showing interest because you have pulled back. If he wants more then make sure you get more, don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:38

watch - i agree, ask him why its taking him so long to ask you to go out Smile

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:39

Grin Well, show him you are a warrior, and show him you mean business and he better mean business too! And report back and let us know how it went. Take notes so you don't forget anything

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:41

time - i have felt alot that he is mr unavailable

so the plan is:

1 - tell him exaclty how i feel (even he it makes me feel cringy)
2 - find out if he loves me and can see himself with me in the far future
3 - set some ground rules for us both

anything else?

also the other problem is, even if we have this talk and agree to give it a try, i seem to have the problem of saying 'yea but last time you did this' how the hell can i stop that?

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:43

actually he said we are going to 'thrash this out' and told me to write a list of questions and we will go through it all. so should i write down his answers or would that be weird?

as i know i will have millions of questions and wont remember all the answers Grin

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:44

ps the other problem is i have a date with Mr location aka guy telling me to wear a skirt that i would have to cancel if i am actually going to give things a proper try.

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:48

Then I think you have your answer notsure, he is chasing you and offering you more because he senses you have pulled away. If he really is Mr Unavailable he will do his best for a few dates but he will slip back into his old ways.

Yes, tell him straight. Be confident when you are talking to him but don't commit. You have clear it all with us first and we will tell you if you are safe to go ahead [ahead]. Set out firmly what you are looking for in a relationship, not what you are looking for from him personally. Ask him if he feels he could meet your criteria for a relationship. Personally, I would start with the above, I wouldn't tell him I love him etc. I would be non commital regarding him until I found out if he thought he could give what is required in a relationship, iyswim?

As for your other problem, well, if it all goes ok then there won't be a recurrence of old habits/problems so you won't have a need to say those things. This will be a completely fresh relationship Smile

TimeForMeAndDD · 19/04/2012 12:49

Well, I personally would not have a problem cancelling the date with Mr Controlling. In fact, based on all our wonderful advice I am surprised you haven't already Grin

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 12:51

notsure - cancel the skirt one, who the hells dictates what you can and cant wear. esp on a second date. just forget about him.

and no, if you want to write it down, then do so. If he wants to ' thrash it out' then hes willing to hear the thing that are difficult to be said.

nope - not asking him. if he wanted to ask he would ask. he had no trouble asking the first time round.. after maybe 10 messages or so. hes hardly gone shy in the week since ive seen him. Im giving it a cut off of monday - if hes not asked by then, a whole 10 days after the date, hes not having one ;) Im not worrying about it though.... ive got past the 3 day ' will he call' stress

Snapespeare · 19/04/2012 12:54

see, he is getting all the nice stuff from you without any of the commitment. It's time to man-up or ship-out.

It's lovely that you do have the good things as well as the annoying little niggles. weigh up the good vs the bad, make a list or all the immediate things that spring to mind. relationships are peculiar things - committed relationships more so. I think you just feel very uncertain about how to tackle the 'feelings' issue. start from the point of what you want, what he gives you, what you think needs to change or needs some work. he may well have his own list. The fact that he has said he wants to be with you 'properly' is a good starting point to think that it might actually work out :)

You need to tell him all of this, see what he says, compromise if possible :) if you feel you do want to invest more in the relationship, that's great, take a chance, be brave (fainthearts never won blah blah) but ensure that you know what you want before you start to talk it through.

notsurewhyohwhy · 19/04/2012 12:55

timefor - i like the bit about clearing it with all of you first as it would be a good idea to get the facts then tell him i will think about it all.

but if he thinks he can meet my criteria then do you think i should tell him how i feel about him? as i know he will want to know.

and i feel like alot of our problems come from what is not said.

mr location seems quite odd and everyone else has told me not to go on our second date as he keeps asking me to wear a dress.

ps - another problem is i was meant to see fwb tomorrow and saturday so now feel like i should cancel it, but that was arranged before this guy (lets call him mr workaholic) asked me to talk to him.

watchoutforthatsnail · 19/04/2012 12:57

not sure - just cancel everything and deal with this with a clear head.

and dont tell him, unless he tells you....

Snapespeare · 19/04/2012 12:58

relinquishing my crown for 'best post of the day' to time at 12:48:36

adamschic · 19/04/2012 13:02

Just putting my 2 penniesworth for notsure. You need to tell him how you expect him to treat you for when you try again. Your situation sounds very similar to me and the my last man. (Except he did take me out and treat me well when we were together). If he got back to me and said we need to talk I will always jump at the chance but not go back unless he promised things would change. (Sadly he isn't in touch now).

I hope it works out well for you both.

Hi to everyone else.

MyLittleMiracle · 19/04/2012 13:07

Imo any man that gets me has to give me butterflies, make me tingle with s touch, make me feel comfortable, confident and safe, accept ne for who I am, kiss and hold me frequently and know, accept my past and understand it.

Really just genuinely care about me, and respect me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread