Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

anyone?

So sorry hwn - don't think that he will ever stop looking at porn!

Understand your concerns but am sure that much wiser people will be along here soon.

Mx XP's love of porn affected our intimate sex life and I felt unwanted and undesirable compared to the ladies on the sites!

Good luck! You're on the first step of a rocky road ...

He sounds like he has an addiction & needs some help. Unfortunately I work with kids that have been exposed to porn at a young age which has really messed them up. Hopefully your dd is too young to have to understand but why would you want to look at that in front of a child?It's not normal.

Thank you both for replying.

blowcushion - I know it's very unlikely he'll stop looking forever, and tbh I'm not expecting that, just that he doesn't do it when our child is around!

Alltheseboys - I first though addiction, but there seem to be long gaps where he doesn't access anything. When we've talked about his porn use before (not in this situation) he's said he goes through phases of watching it when he's bored, but then other times he's not interested in it. I made a point of talking to him about the risk, and as a typical 4yr old my DC talks about everything so would be telling people about the video & what would happen if DC mentioned anything at nursery? It's like none of this occurred to him at the time. I also asked why he'd want to look at something that's meant to turn you on when he's meant to be looking after our child, but he couldn't answer.

Just can't believe he'd be this stupid!

Tried to send a message earlier but there seemed to be a problem with the site.

The gist was that your partner is probably masturbating as he looks at these sites.

Not good for your little lad!

So your child is watching TV while his Dad pleasures himself to hardcore pornography videos in the next room?

Jesus, that is seriously grim.

I think I would have to make sure that could never happen again.

By blocking access to the home for the man who is OK with watching porn around young children.

What a creep.

Exposing a child to any form of pornography is child abuse.

If you have a job where you work with children/need a CRB check and you don't report this to social services yourself, then you could potentially lose your job.

I think it could be worth talking to social services to protect yourself and to get a social worker to point out to your partner the seriousness of the situation.

I don't think they would take it any further at this point, as your DS hasn't neccessarilly been exposed to it.

Have no constructive advice just feel for you. I suppose its an issue because we want our children to be "safe" at home.

Sorry I haven't been back sooner, had a really bad nights sleep & am feeling really ill.

He swears that he wasn't masturbating while watching it, and while I do believe that, it's obvious that he must have been aroused by it - which certainly isn't appropriate around our child. Even he admitted that when it's described like that it's really shocking.

Lollipop - I talked to him about the fact that it would be child abuse & how serious it would be if DC had seen anything & social services got involved. I basically said if our child had seen anything I would have made him leave last night & contacted the police/social services myself for advice, which ultimately could have left him with a criminal record & having to have supervised access to our child. I think he understands how serious it is now & is very remorseful, but I just can't get past why on earth he didn't think that way before.

jane - that's just the problem for me, as I said to him last night my job as a mum is to protect my DC & I'm now questioning whether I'm adequately doing that. I know DC didn't see anything, but the risk was there & I don't think it's acceptable.

The other thing that struck me is that this has happened at times when I've not been in the vicinity, I've either been in the bath, or out shopping. If I'd been there with my child in the living room watching tv he wouldn't have risked looking at anything in case I walked into the dining room & saw. So obviously on some level he knew it wasn't right...

You really would call the police? Woah.

Sorry, but massive overreaction. Huge.

Exposing a child to porn, is sexual abuse and a criminal offence. So op says if this had of happened, she would have called the police for advice. Failing to see the whoa, huge, over reaction myself.

Why do you want to continue to live with a man who puts his prediliction for porn before everything else? Do you really want to marry a man like this?
Normal, well adjusted, emotionally healthy men don't watch porn while their children are about, his boundaries are seriously out of kilter, I take it you have been forced to put up with his porn use for all the time you've been together?
It's pathetic that he suggested you should control his internet access, he is a fully grown man, able to make that choice for himself ( or he should be) .

That is grim. If he wasn't masturbating what was the point of being extremely aroused whilst looking after your child?

That is so disgusting. Sorry it is

What Heyyyho said.

Very sorry for you OP. Your DP is disgusting and selfish. Watching hardcore pornography while in charge of a 4yo DC is a child protection issue.

Your DP will not change. You have already said that his porn use has impacted negatively on your sex life before now. He has proven that he can't be trusted not to use porn.

You are not overreacting. You need to kick him out. I'm so sorry that your DP is behaving like this.

"The other thing that struck me is that this has happened at times when I've not been in the vicinity, I've either been in the bath, or out shopping. If I'd been there with my child in the living room watching tv he wouldn't have risked looking at anything in case I walked into the dining room & saw. So obviously on some level he knew it wasn't right..."

Exactly. He knew, yet he still did it.

If somebody sat my child down to watch porn, that would be a big problem.

But to look at a website in another room with inappropriate material on it? Come on. The internet is stuffed with things that aren't suitable for a four year old to look at. Or are you all checking out the Cbeebies websites while looking after your children just in case they happen to see the screen? He already said he wasn't wanking, so it was probably just thumbnails anyway.

Get over it!

Fuck off with your "get over it".
If a man can't control himself and has to look at porn while looking after his child, he's not fit to be a father.
It's not appropriate and it's not a normal thing to do in any way, shape or form - funny how he can control himself when OP is around.

Reallyfaroutlookinghat apart, you are getting some very sensible feedback here. It is child abuse to allow children to watch pornography, and he could be prosecuted for that if it turned out that this had been the case. I would certainly put the wedding on hold but tbh, I'd be rethinking the whole relationship. Your partner's self-control sounds worryingly non-existent; behaviour like this is only really likely to escalate.

Reallyfaroutlookinghat - of course I would have contacted the police for advice if my child had seen anything. As others have said it's an offence, plus my child would inevitably say something at nursery about it, which they'd have to report so I would want to make it very clear I wasn't complicit. Plus, if we were to separate I would want to ensure there was no further risk of my child being exposed to this sort of thing.

Malifience - the thing is he doesn't put his predilection for porn above anything else. From looking at the internet history & activity reports he's not accessing things all day every day, and there's no real pattern to it. Yes, recently he's accessed more, but I assume that's down to our sex life going off kilter a bit as our child was ill (so us not getting much sleep) and then I had a virus for a couple of weeks, so in those circumstances I can understand him looking. From the looks of it the rest of the time when our sex life is at it's usual he might look once or twice a week, or sometimes not at all. I totally agree that I shouldn't have to control his internet usage though, I may agree for a short time but ultimately he has to take responsibility.

Heyyyho - He's said he doesn't even get aroused really, that it's more about boredom but that doesn't make sense. If you're bored you might go onto you tube & look at funny videos, but not pornography. I don't know, perhaps it's some compulsion, but he's going to have to sort out his head.

MrsMcEnroe - I'm hesitant to kick him out for this, as fortunately our child didn't see anything, and I'm hoping he can try to work out why he took such a risk. Plus, as I said above I'd be worried about contact with our child if we split up. When I said about it impacting on out sex life, there have only been a few occasions really when I've had to bring it up - when I was pregnant & he was freaked out about the idea of sex while the baby is moving around (which I could understand, but was still a bit annoyed about) and a couple of times when he's been really tired from work (i suppose with porn you don't really have to put any effort in!)

I'm hoping to talk to him tonight once our child is in bed. I've struggled to be around him today as there is so much I want to say, and he's been tiptoeing around like he's on eggshells. I know it's been a stressful few months for us, he lost his job & has only just got a new one, wedding worries & I think he's been quite depressed... but while this might explain some behaviour it certainly doesn't excuse it!

Of course. It's no different to watching brutal murders or war coverage on the news or a picture of a blue waffle. This isn't about the child's hurt feelings, because the child doesn't have any hurt feelings. This is about the OP's feelings. If she's pissed off about her boyfriend watching porn then that's fair but it's not a criminal matter.

Who said its a criminal matter? It WOULD have been if the child walked into the room and saw the porn on the screen. Then yes that would have been a criminal matter as they would have been exposed to sexual material. So I don't get your point exactly?

Watching the news in your house is not illegal, neither is watching porn. If you subject your child to viewing porn however that is illegal, so?

Men cant watch porn without getting aroused can they. My dp doesn't watch it but I guarantee he would get an erection if he did!

It sounds like you've been conditioned into accepting some level of porn use by him, men don't have to use porn if they're not having much sex, if he was off sex for any reason , would you run off the minute his back was turned and regularly access some porn to wank to? I doubt it somehow.

The myth that men need porn is hugely destructive within relationships, you've only got to read any of the hundreds of posts on here over the last few years to realise the damage some men do with their reliance on porn.
His porn use is not something you can control by nannying him - if he can't stop using porn out of boredom then he has a problem - how can you respect a man who has asked you to limit his internet access because he can't stop looking at porn? You are meant to be his partner not his mother.

Sorry op but that is the biggest croc of shot I have heard. You said it was quite hardcore porn but he "doesn't get aroused" whilst watching it? So he just fancies a look at hardcore sex whenever he is looking after his 4 yo just because he wants to look at something whilst having a cup of tea?

Please you can't be that naive. He is aroused. That much we can be sure of.