Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

I dont mean to be nkind, OP, as this must all have been a stress and shock for you - but it must take a huge amount of energy to be this deeply abut this. You seem to have reframed this situatin as 'otherwise great partner and dad has just had a little blip'. The cold hard truth is that he watched hardcore porn while looking after his (your) child. The is no way and no world in which this is normal, healthy, OK behaviur. If a relative or friend or childminder had dne the same, would you be justifying it b saying ' but he/she is such a nice person normally'?

Iwould be very, very worried and disturbed if I were you. The fact it didnt occur to him that this wa seriously fucked up behaviour is also very worrying indeed.

To be this deeply n denial

Sorry for hijacking this thread but if there are any teachers reading this who could offer me some anonymous guidance, then I'd appreciate it.

And lets stop minimising what sort of porn he was watching too. The OP said it was "mainly hardcore". That isn't vanilla sex.

1. I have never ever once in the whole of this thread, or anywhere said its ok for a man to watch porn whilst watching children or for them to expose a child to porn.

I have repeatedly said its not ok

I have also said that im glad the op has sorted it out satisfactorily, and ive not liked all the chinese whispers and the unecessary and horrible dangerous hysterical implications that have carried on from it.

I also think that a teacher watching teenage schoolgirl porn, showing a sexual predilection for underage schoolgirls, regardless of the age of the actors, is more worrying than the OP

hardcore just means depicting explicit sexual acts. It is usually still just vanilla sex, vaginal, oral, over the top blah blah.

That is what most people watch, fairly tame.

I find that women whose partners use porn regularly delude themselves about the type of porn that is watched and if they are porn users themselves, erroneously assume that because they themselves 'only' watch porn that is depicted as 'happy, consensual sex', their partners have the same tastes.

Google suggests otherwise though, so there's a hell of a lot of delusion and denial going on in these relationships, not to mention InPrivate Browsing on their partners' laptops ........

Magsaloof I think the reason for the denial is in the OP. She says:

we are due to get married in a couple of months

Vanilla sex in RL bears no relation to vanilla sex in porn. Also have a think about what is involved in the production of it. Do you think two people just have sex and it's filmed?

It doesnt matter if it is the old couple nextdoor having a vanilla a fumble- it is porn! It shouldnt be used when children are around, and it is absolutely wrong to be gettign seually arouse over porn with a young child close by. That isnt hysterical, it is absolutely black and white right and wrong, surely?

no its not black and white right and wrong. There are many many shades of grey.

I think thats the crux of the disagreement here tbh.

You think its wrong because its porn and because you ultimately believe that watching porn watching in any situation by anyone is completely and utterly wrong, which is obviously amplified by the fact a child could have potentially walked in on it.

I think its pretty shit to sit and watch porn while your child is in the next room, but maybe im not completely outraged because im not particularly offended by the idea of porn, or porn itself, and without further information on what he was watching or for how long, it could either be completely awful, or really nothing much at all iyswim, and without knowing those things, the rest of the implications and insinuations are just made up scenarios in your head.

I've already said I don't much care about the porn use. But not when your child is so close by. That has been my point all along, while you've backpedalled all over the place.

But ladies, on all sides!

Cant you start a new thread re whether porn is a good thing?

Because the OP has been forgotten here.

The OP left the thread ages ago. It's fine to debate it though we will never get anywhere.

I still say this:

I'm not totally anti porn, though I fully support those who are and understand their reasons.

A man looking at hardcore porn while minding his toddler HAS GOT A PROBLEM WITH PORN.

A man looking at hardcore porn while minding his toddler HAS GOT A PROBLEM WITH PORN.

And repeat, until everyone understands.

Won't somebody please think of the children.

Are you being sarcastic eccles?

People do need to think about the risk to children when men are watching pornography in their vicinity.

I wish someone had thought of me, then maybe I wouldn't have been exposed to hardcore porn when I was four. Do you think that was OK?

The most popular porn sites have hundreds of images on the home page that range from "tame" sex to extremely abusive, think men standing on womens' heads while penetrating them, adverts for "16, drunk and abused" , "Latino sluts", " Gina gets anally destroyed" etc. etc. infinitum.
Children don't have to go hunting for this stuff, they simply have to google the word porn and click on the first result to see those sorts of images, no decent parent/person could possibly think that was acceptable?

The faux naiviety of some posters on this thread is pretty sickening. Hardcore porn, by it's very nature, isn't going to show a couple of having loving, normal sex.

It's not brain surgery is it? Watching pornography while looking after child equals big fat no-no.

"Won't somebody please think of the children."

Erm, we are Eccles

I think your OH is deliberately flirting with danger and trying to assert a kind of freedom - sexual, familial, etc on his computer screen. I think it's common male reaction to wife, kids. However, he is clearly not seeing his behaviour from your point of view, which is just immature. But he's not beyond education, i'd say.