Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

I wouldn't be calling social services or the police. But he wouldn't be trusted with my child. Each to their own, however.

I'd consider it an breach of my trust boundary.

And, OP, I'll be amazed if it doesn't happen again.

gay40, have you nothing better to do than stir up trouble in a stranger's relationship?

I pity you.

MrMiyagi, are you yet another in a long line of men who like to come onto this female dominated space just to tell women that they are wrong and that your male opinion is the correct one?

One question, would you sit watching ( such an innocent word, watching, so benign) porn while you had sole care of your child/children and they were up and about?

You don't think that it's even a tiny bit worrying for a man to do so?

why is it men vs women.

we're all just people. AS A WOMAN my opinion is different to your womans opinion

It's not men vs women Dinah, it's a very particular type of man that arrives here every so often , with the sole intention of telling women how wrong they are for not accepting porn/lap dancing/prostitutes/whatever, you've never noticed the posting history and patterns of such men?

They are so predictable you can spot them a mile off.

I find them merely irritating, whereas there's a special place in hell reserved for those women who like to stick the boot into distressed women by telling them they're over reacting or that men have needs that over ride the happiness and security of a concerned woman.

MrM, have you nothing better to do than try and tell all these uppitty women to shut up and let the men get on with what they are entitled to do ?

FYI, it's the stupid men in these situations that are wrecking their relationships, not the women who call them on it

I think it's pretty sick what he did. Who'd want to see porn when your kids are awake next door and could come in any minute. It's a boundary issue. I personally think he has a problem and he will do it again.

But it's by the by. Op has spoked to him, she knows him. She says he genuinely didn't know and feels he is going to address the problem. They are talking, fair enough. That's her call, probably a reasonable one for her.

I think all the bun fighting and misdirection in this thread, has come from one person in particular "quoting" and saying outrageous things, that WERE NOT even said. So other people have picked up on those "unsaid" comments as if they were.

Spoken even.

Nothing must come between a man and his porn use. That always seems to be the message of these threads.

OP I am glad you are feeling better - but to my mind he has just read from The Script: He's 'very sorry, won't do it again, wasn't aroused, wasn't masturbating, just 'browsing', was only 'fascinated like one might be in a horror film', feeling 'bored'...

I do realise that from a lot of your perspectives he's not sounding like a great guy at all. Tbh, if I was reading this about someone elses DP I'd probably see it the same way, purely because I wouldn't know anything more about the man.

However, I've known my DP for 10yrs, we've been together for 6yrs, have a child & he's generally a wonderful partner & we have a good relationship. Time & time again I read on here about women who's partners are so contemptuous of them, put themselves above everyone, have affairs & are generally 'me, me, me' and my partner generally the polar opposite. Yes, he's made a huge mistake, but I genuinely believe he's mortified & remorseful, and won't do it again. Ok, to some of you it may sound like he was reading from a script - but honestly none of you saw him last night when we talked, and he isn't that good an actor, so I'd see through it. I'm not prepared to take him away from my child, or to end our relationship based on a risk, not when I truly believe it wont happen again.

The fact is sometimes people make really really stupid mistakes without thinking of the consequences - does that mean no-one should ever be given a second chance? My MIL once brought our child home without using a car seat, I went absolutely crazy at her as I felt our child had been put in danger, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't ever let her near DC again. Once I'd calmed down, I made it very clear how dangerous it was & that DC is never to travel in a car without a seat, and insisted she bought an appropriate one. Ok, it's not quite comparable to what occurred here, but it's a time that I felt my child was put at a serious risk, whereas this was a 'potential' serious risk.

As far as the porn goes, I know there are a lot of women who are very uncomfortable with porn use, but I am not one of them. I've not been brainwashed to accept it in a relationship, or to think he 'needs' it, but occasional use isn't an issue for me, and I have no problems speaking up if it becomes more than occasional.

I think I will now leave this thread, and go back to my usual name. I do honestly want to thank everyone for their input though, it helped me to get a lot of things straight in my head before I spoke to him.

I am glad this thread helped you, OP.

I sincerely hope this is the last time your partner does something so profoundly off-kilter.

Honey, this is the second time you've had the porn conversation with this man. Why didn't he learn the first time?

I'm so very sad that this has happened to you but he will do it again. :(

MrMiyagi, I think watching hardcore porn whilst in charge of your child is the trouble. I'm only passing comment.

Why didn't he pay any attention to your concerns the first time round? You expressed your concerns then, I'm sure. Which he ignored.

He's on his third chance now.

he did

some real shit stirrers round these parts

Dinah, how did he pay attention the first time they had this conversation ?

if you mean he pretended to listen, understand, gave OP a load of ole guff and then carried on doing what he promised he wouldn't, then I guess you are right

OP no-one was saying he is a dreadful partner. Well I certainly wasn't. I am all for giving marriage your absolute best shot as people who ever pays the blindest bit of attention to my views will know! - I'm always banging on about marriage vows.

I don't doubt he is a good hearted person.

But what I was saying is his excuses such as 'I was just curious' and 'I wasn't aroused' is either denial or lies. He got caught didn't he?

I agree that good people fuck up, they sometimes even lie, they make big mistakes. No one is perfect.

It does mean you should not stick your head in the sand though and it does mean you decide where your personal line is drawn. After all you posted about this and it deeply bothered you. It would have deeply bothered me too.

A man's point of view re the "arousal" issue.

It's perfectly possible for a man to look at porn without getting aroused. Men often look at it simply as distraction in a mild "gosh, look where she's put her leg" manner. It is more freakshow voyeurism rather than erotic voyuerism, or half-hearted curiousity.

Also - and some of you may find this hard to believe - but the female body looks attractive to men in more ways than just the erotic - although I appreciate that in hardcore porn these other ways are perhaps less in evidence than in paintings by Titian.

So, if someone told me that he'd looked at porn simply because he was bored, I'd think it quite likely to be true.

ive looked at porn before to pass the time without getting particularly aroused, so im assuming im not the only one.

Toad - Interesting point of view but you are just one man and of course cannot talk for all men or even most men.

Call it instinct or just living for 42 years in this world but but my belief is that there are very few men who look at hardcore porn ie open legs and close up minge shots etc etc who are thinking 'Oh her leg is in an interesting postion, I wonder where the director was situated and what lighting was used'?

i think it probably means that hes become a bit desensitised to it, which could be an issue for other stuff, but thats not what the OP is about i guess,