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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked at DP re porn

247 replies

helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 01:17

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Reallyfaroutlookinghat · 09/04/2012 17:59

Of course men can watch porn without getting aroused. They're not mutants or weird dick monsters. Maybe it wouldn't be exactly to their taste??

He discreetly looked at something inappropriate in another room and it deserves this shit storm? Blimey. I feel sorry for him. Have a chat about the boundaries and then let him wank in peace.

DinahMoHum · 09/04/2012 18:06

if it was in the other room and youve let him know how serious you are about it, then hopefully thats the end of it.

Its not as if hes watching it while the children are in the room. Its still not great, and i think youre right to take it seriously and nip it in the bud, but I dont think you need to be overly drastic either. hes not a sex offender

Original poster
helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 18:07

I haven't said that I believed what he said about not being aroused (hence the [hnmm] face) so please don't call me naive. Of course it doesn't make sense to me, as I imagine an erection would be an automatic response to porn for pretty much all men. However I can't question him more on this until later tonight.

I don't however have an issue with him occasionally looking at porn. Of course he doesn't 'need' to do it, but do we all only do things we 'need' to in life? I've looked at porn in the past & read erotic literature - I didn't 'need' to, but I was in the mood so I did.

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 09/04/2012 18:17

Sorry help I didn't mean to get to you
With the naive comment. I know you are upset by this and I think you have good reason to be.

Chances he wasn't aroused are, as you know tiny.

SleeepyHead · 09/04/2012 18:20

Of course he was aroused. With men its a visual thing. They see a hot naked women pleasure herself with a dildo they will get aroused staright away. Women don't get aroused by looking at a dick they have to be heated up first. I deffo think he had an erection but i don't understand why he wanted to do it at that time. Men do not look at porn because they are bored Hmm they clearly want to look at tits and have a good wank. Sorry to be so blunt but its true

Nyac · 09/04/2012 18:28

It sounds like this is the wake up call you need before you got married. Will you listen.

I saw pornography when I was four that my father had left in the vicinity instead of protecting his children. It completely fucked me up. You don't know whether or not your ds has seen it, I never told my mother I had, and my dad certainly wouldn't have admitted about his stash. Your partner knows it's wrong because he's been keeping it secret from you but not wrong enough not to put your ds in danger.

"The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation?"

That's a pretty low bar you've got for great dad - never laying a hand on either of you. He also watches hardcore pornography to get aroused when he's supposed to be taking care of your four year old. That puts him in the category of rubbish or even dangerous dad.

Reallyfaroutlookinghat · 09/04/2012 18:30

ALL women in porn are hot? Have you actually seen any of it?

So all men are morons with no capacity for autonomy who only have to look at a naked woman to have a raging stonk on? You really think that? Wow.

MissGreatBritain · 09/04/2012 18:38

It certainly sounds iffy to me, and I thought your comment "he's never laid a hand on either of us" was just bizarre. As if he's to be congratulated for what should be entirely normal.

He doesn't sound like a great catch, and thinking that you need to censor his internet use sounds incredibly immature.

I think you should seriously think about seeing a third party to sort out any issues, as it will only get worse if these things aren't addressed now.

TheSecondComing · 09/04/2012 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 09/04/2012 18:39

I would have major issues with a person who wanted to watch hardcore porn while they were in charge of a child. That really isn't what a great dad does, prep himself for an erection when a child is about.
And, this is not the first time.

Heyyyho · 09/04/2012 18:49

Really you are missing the point spectacularly.

The op is upset about this. Quite right too! It's disgusting and at worst disturbing that he feels the need to do this instead of engaging with his child whilst he is looking after her. I would be extremely surprised if she hasn't seen him do it. It wrong on so many levels...

Original poster
helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 18:57

Nyac - sorry to hear you experienced that as a child, I am aware of how big an issue it is which is why I was so concerned. I am as sure as I can be that my child didn't see anything though, DC it would have been mentioned. I'm constantly being told about daddy playing angry birds (dc likes to help) or any of the games on fb, virtually anything relating to something on the computer I am told about. It's all quite a novelty to DC as I've just started showing them the cbeebies website. My DC knows about private parts & never keeping secrets from mummy, so I'm sure I'd have been told about any videos with naked ladies or men in them. The time that the videos were watched also seemed to coincide with a particular favourite cbeebies show, so I'm sure DC would have been engrossed in that.

Believe me, my judgement of what constitute a good dad isn't just what I put earlier, but I didn't want to write more of an essay about it. He really does adore DC, is a real family man, puts us before anything, doesn't emotionally/verbally/physically/financially abuse us, doesn't use drug or drink to excess, honestly whilst he's not perfect, I've never felt any concern about his behaviour before. That's why I was so shocked when I found this.

Looking back at the history on this computer (which is a year old) there is nothing else showing up at a time when DC would have been around. Normally DP wouldn't even be here in the mornings when DC gets up as he starts work early. I just can't understand it. I think I made it very clear last night how serious it was & what the consequences would be if DC saw anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 19:08

I don't know how to get this across properly, what I'm trying to say is 99% of the time he is great & there are no major issues, but then this happened & it knocked me for six! Plus, there is history of it before, albeit a long time ago. I do remember that he was also out of work at that time, but it seem a weak connection to make as an explanation.

OP posts:
Reallyfaroutlookinghat · 09/04/2012 19:08

I don't think I am missing the point. He sounds like a nice guy. I can't believe what some of you are advocating as consequences to a risky but fortunately harmless trawl through the internet one boring morning. You want him to lose everything he's got over this? Sorry, but it's madness. It's absolute madness.

There are people out there with real problems you know.

TheSecondComing · 09/04/2012 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 09/04/2012 19:38

Looking at porn or doing anything remotely sexual while you're around children, let alone caring for them, is pretty fucking wrong IMO.

The fact that he's sneakily watching very sexual material while looking after his kids demonstrates really poor judgement and understanding what's appropriate. And it shows he has fucked up boundaries.

Original poster
helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 19:46

I completely agree that it's very dodgy, and if I discovered it was a regular thing then of course he'd be out of the door by now. I feel like it's the sort of conversation I should be having with my teenage step-son about appropriate behaviour, not his dad! It's all going round & round in circles in my head & I'm still none the wiser as to what to do next.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 09/04/2012 20:00

It would seem to me that he has issues around porn use. It's normalised to the point where he doesn't see or comprehend the implications of watching porn around children, and that is wrong.

His suggestion that you limit his Internet access is pathetic and merely shifts the responsibility for his behaviour onto you. If he can't understand why his porn use is dysfunctional and take serious steps to address it then I'd be thinking very hard about the future. Because as someone said upthread, this kind of behaviour can only escalate. And it doesn't seem right now that he really thInks he's done anything wrong.

SleeepyHead · 09/04/2012 20:01

If he was feeling horny couldn't he have asked u for a quickie instead of looking st porn. Not only did he neglect he's son but he neglected you too. Why go on porn if you have a woman capable of what the women are doing in the porn vids.

Reallyfaroutlookinghat · 09/04/2012 20:17

Couples don't have to do everything together. They can have sexual feelings separately and independently. It's controlling to demand that someone doesn't even get a twitch in their bell without permission and accusations of neglect. Imagine it happening the other way round, with the man demanding sex to appease his ego.

TheSecondComing · 09/04/2012 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
helpwhatnow · 09/04/2012 20:34

Sleeepyhead - I'm not here to service all my DP's needs! When he does look at porn it's generally late at night/very early morning so I'm asleep, if he woke me up wanting a quickie I'd likely smack him one! I don't feel neglected by him looking at it, my only issue is that he risked our child seeing something very unsuitable this time & that's not acceptable.

I really don't want this thread to turn into a bunfight over whether porn use is acceptable in a relationship - everyone has a different opinion & it's about what's right for you as a couple.

Madonnawhore - oh he does know what he did was wrong. the look of horror on his face last night when I spelled out the consequences showed that. maybe for some reason he hadn't thought of it that way at the time, but he admitted if he'd heard about someone he knows doing it he'd be really shocked & disgusted.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 09/04/2012 21:24

But he thinks it was OK to sit with an erection and probably tossing off, red face and heavy breathing etc, with a kid just in the next room??????

It's not about porn use, it's about not being able to control the need to watch it with a small child around. Vile.

beautifulwho · 09/04/2012 21:26

alltheseboys in what way did it 'mess the children up?'

Heyyyho · 09/04/2012 21:54

Agree this is not really a " is porn ok" debate.

It's about watching it in proximity to very young children which is actually a criminal offence - what if they were to witness and disclose to teacher what happened. As well as the psychological damage watching hardcore images of sex can do to children. Which it really doesn't take a genius to figure out.