Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

I was talking to dinah

Women also look at porn because they're bored. Explain that one to me.

I'm saying I've done it. We've had accounts from men saying they do it.

But you know better do you, Columbo? This is some spooky shit, the way you're looking deep into everyone's souls like this.

You talkin' to me ? (Robert De Niro, Taxidriver) < happy to keep up the silly film references >

like I said, I was talking to dinah

Women look at porn?? Don't believe it.

What a load of sexist old hogwash and sweeping generalisations.

If you were able to defend your point, you'd be able to say it everyone.

I am answering a personal attack made upon me by Dinah. I am not entering into any other discussions, my thoughts are very clear on that upthread.

I haven't seen any sweeping generalisations Dodie. Could you be more specific?

AF has made her point just fine.

I know, sigmund. Fancy the whole spectrum of human emotion not being conveniently divided by one simple line of gender. It's a world gone topsy turvy.

AF

"I sometimes think they might be practicing what they preach as they type to all us agog women"

This was not to Dinah. It was just a random attack on males for being born with a penis.

I hate the porn threads.

Porn is degrading and harmful to real live human beings.

But society seems to be invested in defending its continued existence.

Makes me sad.

Indeed HotDAMN. Makes me sad too.

It's really not normal to look at hardcore porn whilst you are minding children (your own or otherwise) even if you are bored. Bloody hell minding children is often boring

ooo, larry

fancy you popping up

that bit you quoted there wasn't in response to dinah, top marks to you

I was talking to sgm then (rather obviously, I thought)

gosh, people do like to keep butting in on my conversations, don't they, and mixing up ones from last night with ones from this morning....what fuzzywuzzy heads you must have

'I know, sigmund. Fancy the whole spectrum of human emotion not being conveniently divided by one simple line of gender. It's a world gone topsy turvy.'

I know, it's difficult to comprehend when people aren't willing to stay in the neat genders boxes certain people ascribe to them.

I have sons and daughters actually, and I will bring them up to be their own people and respectful of other peoples choices, and I hope they grow up tolerant and respectful of other people, whether theyre male or female or somewhere in the middle, and to not try and control other peoples sexuality or make huge generalisations over single groups of people based on prejudice.

Im absolutely astounded by the huge difference in advice people are given based on nothing more than their genitalia, and the automatic assumption that women are victims and men are abusers. I actually think some of the advice on here is actually malicious and dangerous, and a certain glee is evident when another relationship/family splits up over relatively minor indiscetions.
People should be supported to come to their own conclusions, not virtually bullied or cajoled into splitting up, or making the OP sometimes feel like they cant even come back to their own thread after a while.
Im actually wondering what people get out of it? I honestly dont feel like i could get proper support in a relationship problem if i had needed it here, which is sad

That's a horrible thing to say to someone that you hope they don't have sons, because you've decided you don't like their attitude.

I agree that that sort of thing is malicious and dangerous Dinah. Very hurtful too.

It's a bit scary too, the nonchalance that some people feel towards a man looking at hardcore pornography in the vicinity of a small child.

I said upthread that I was exposed to pornography when I was a small child, and it is deeply damaging. We still don't know if this little boy saw it, whatever anybody claims. Children who have been exposed to porn often show the same symptoms as children who have been sexually abused. This man was taking huge risks with his child's wellbeing, for the sake of his own enjoyment.

Well, Nyac, I certainly took it as the personal insult from Dinah it was obviously meant to be

not much room there for ambiguity, really

OP just read your thread about your chat with him.

He looks when he is stressed, but not for wanking? Sure! What stress relief does it offer him, exactly, then?

FWIW, my h used porn occasionally and I also objected, and of course he stopped, or so he said. A few issues with it arose over 20 years, all one offs apparently, or someone else in the house eg eldest son, he said. (his stepson, then 21). Lies, of course.

In fact he progressed to 5 years of secret sex chatting with OW, followed by porn. Eventually admitted a 'massive porn habit, at least 300 over the last year', according to him, all admitted (but true) to put me off the scent re the sex chatting?

Just thought you should know that it is now clear that sex is the way in which he manages stress. Started with porn, then moved on...

Many dont go there, sure, but then many who use cannabis dont end up taking cocaine. But conversely, alot do.

Im ambivalent about porn myself (not that I use it), but I dont believe your bf is honest here. And Im definitely now coming round to seeing that sex/OW in any form and stress relief is a bit of a red flag.

hoping someone doesnt have sons because they appear to have an anti men attitude and ridicule a man for entering a womens conversation or for implying/saying that men were less evolved than women?

Its hardly unjustified, but of course, easy for you to try and make that appear worse than what it was said in response to, because you are of course, all victims, all the time, of those people that have penises.

Must be such an anxious place to live, so frightened of men all the time and their fearsome sexuality

and noone has said that what he did was ok.

That's a bloody awful thing to say to someone Dinah. No ifs, no buts.

Since when was pornography men's sexuality?

Oh FFS, how does saying watching porn while caring for a small child is unacceptable = all men are bastards?

EggyFucker has a son and a husband! I suspect she keeps them chained up in the cellar for their own good though in order to prevent them from getting loose on the computer to access porn.

OP I hope it all works out for you. One thing I'd like you to consider though is that as technology advances marketers are much more proactive about advertising and they use your browsing history to target adverts. Be wary you don't go on ebay for example with your son on your knee because ebay is a 'safe site' and find inappropriate adverts on the side. It has happened. Maybe not illegal or traumatising, but still potentially awkward. If your DP insists on using porn, he should really get his own computer.