Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

But when you say open legs and close up minge shots, it doesn't actually sound very sexy. It's not a one size fits all recipe for a boner.

A glass of water does not a thirsty man make.

well no, and some people might watch a bit of horror film and decide its just not scary or gory enough, same thing really if you take away the moralistic part

Horror films are fantasy. Pornography is real women, really being prostituted and really being harmed.

The blood and gore in horror films are fake.

really I said 'open legs and minge shots' to hammer home that this wasn't 'looking at lovely, pretty naked ladies' but hardcore porn that is designed get men's rocks off. Men don't look at porn because they are bored or curious or to 'see what angle a leg is at' , I'm sorry.

Dinah I think the fact that the OP's husband may be desentised to porn is ver much a pertinent point and not off topic at all. He seems to have lost his sense of boundaries.

Nyac that is a different subject but of course a valid one and one lots of posters on here share (different subject because we're talking about the possible risk of children seeing porn and a man who was unable to see how inappropriate it was to look at porn at that time)

I think your husband is addicted to Porn as opposed to just liking a bit of porn now and again and that is the issue. When it becomes an addiction, it becomes harder to keep the habit within the boundaries of appropriate times and usage.

I haven't read all the posts but I don't think getting police or SS involved is the way to go at this stage really. More likely route is for your husband to get help managing his desire for porn (a morning as well as evening habit is a real red flag for addiction) It also helps to have a frank conversation about what it is about the porn that stimulates your DH, if he can talk about it then the issue is more likely to be resolved, but if you make him feel he is a dreadful person and has to be covert with it then the problem will escalate as secrecy is part of the turn-on.

I know the difference nyac, but the OP doesnt have a moral objection to porn itself, and i was using that example because both are designed to cause arousal, one sexual one not, and both are really not suitable for children, and id feel pretty much the same if someone was watching porn, or horror/gore films in front of my children as both could be disturbing and both would be a boundary issue

Proudnscary-

I assume that you're not a man. If so, while I can only speak for myself, you can't speak for any men at all. More importantly, you do not have a man's sex drive. The assertiveness of your comments can't overcome this little problem.

I can assure you that "open legs and close-up minge shots" don't always arouse a man even if his tastes lie in that direction. I base that comment on my own experience, and the experience of other male friends who view porn. Yes, men really do look at porn because they are bored. Men look at naked women for all sorts of reasons without getting turned on. They do so because they want get aroused, unsuccessfully. Or because - and this is the point I suspect you find hard to comprehend - they want to kill five minutes and they cannot think of anything better to do and simple instinct makes them click on link A rather than link B (which leads to pictures of Ferraris or something).

They might look at a particular pornographic image because they think it is odd or amusing. When I was in my twenties, friends of mine used to circulate all sorts of stuff because they thought it was funny. I remember receiving a picture of a woman bent over with her finger in her vagina. Were people circulating it because it was arousing? No, it was because she had a map of the world tattooed on her bum.

As for me, I've never found hardcore porn arousing. I suppose that I find it unromantic. I'm more likely to be turned on by a model wearing nothing much but a cheery smile. But - and this is the important bit - I might find the models pleasant to look at but I *don't get a stiffy every time someone leaves a lingerie catalogue lying around.

Men's sexuality is a lot more complex than is generally supposed by some, including you I daresay.

I sometimes think they might be practicing what they preach as they type to all us agog women

But then I think, no, nobody would do that, surely

Toad - while your defensive, patronising post throws up many interesting points, here's a question for you.

While this man was innocently browsing hardcore porn, porn that was merely mildly amusing, porn that whiled a way a couple of dull minutes...his toddler was in the next room.

The OP has made it pretty clear he had watched 'hardcore videos' (plural) and we can, I think, make the assumption he was not giggling over, umm, the lady with the map tattooed on her arse...

In short, what the fucking aida are you going on about?

('Why did he do it while his toddler was in the next room?' was the question I cunningly ommitted to insert in second par)

that is possibly true, sgm

a bit like rubbing your tummy and patting your head ?

crossing a road with your eyes closed ?

jumping out of a plane without a parachute ?

taking care of a small child and browsing hardcore porn ?

all things it is not recommended you do at the same time (in a normal, decent, brain-engaged kind of world)

The only person who knows the man in question is OP.

She has come back a number of times to give a fuller picture of him.

She has now reached a view as how to deal with the situation.

She decided to leave this thread about two pages ago.

Yet we still have people, who don't know the person involved, giving a view of the man which differs from the view of the one person who does happen to know him.

is there some unwritten rule that men are not welcomed? How is it ok to rubbish or mock someones views because of what sex they happened to have been born as? I dont think thats ok and tbh I thought better of you

I read this as sgb and af talking about the type of man who come onto a female dominated site to give sermons on male sexuality. Or possibly porn addicts. Not their sons, your sons, or decent men on general.

I'm with you dinah. It's not high fiving girl power talk. It's discrimination.

And I do have a vagina, thanks. So you'll both be able to give my opinion it's proper regard.

so its ok for women to make bold sweeping statements about mens sexuality, but if a man sees it and says well actually its not like that and its a lot more complex, thats somehow wrong?
men are all as different from each other as women are. We're all just people ffs

My motivation for posting is on the offchance that the OP is still reading this thread, to make the point that she needn't feel that her DP must have been aroused, and hence lying to her just because he was looking at porn.

Perhaps he was lying. She will be the best judge of that.

But it is inane to say that his circumstances mean he must have been lying. And if comments that inane pass muster here, I'm not surprised that the occasional bloke like myself chips in with a comment.

@proudnscary:

Other people have addressed the appropriateness of that man's actions and I needn't add comment. And I'm glad you feel patronised. It's what you deserve.

Fortunately, not everyone has such a low opinion of men, and welcome their input.

Hope the OP is well.

hey, Dinah, I have a son

I am bringing him up to be respectful of women, like the majority of men are

I am also bringing him up not to use his male privilege in a condescending, patronising, paternalistic way like that sort of bloke, above

Personally, Dinah, I hope you don't have daughters, because I would be rather concerned that you are bringing them up to excuse some people's behaviour on account of them having a penis

so there you go

DinahMoHum Thu 12-Apr-12 08:45:57
I really hope AF ad SGM dont have sons with that attitude towards men

Just in case anyone missed that lovely comment on my parenting skills

I think Dinah had a point actually. You attacked a man for being, well, male. I would suggest he knows more about male behaviour than your perceptions of it.