Shocked at DP re porn

[helpwhatnow]

(Have namechanged for this for obvious reason)

I've been with my 'D'P for almost 6 years & we are due to get married in a couple of months. We have one child together who is 4.

Tonight after he went to bed, I logged on to the internet & decided to check our family safety monitor thing, that basically monitors website activity & warns of any potential viruses or malware. I know that sometimes late at night my 'D'P accesses porn, it's never really bothered me unless it becomes too frequent & our sex life suffers. So, tonight I notice that there are quite a few porn websites he's looked at over the last week, and I realised that some of them are in the morning - when our 4yr old is up. The pc he uses is downstairs in our dining room, and the screen can easily be seen. So basically, he's been looking at videos, mainly hardcore ones, while our child has been in the next room watching cbeebies. Now luckily my DC hasn't seen anything - I am 100% sure of this, DC would have definitely told me as DC likes to play some online games with 'D'P & always tells me. But... I am so shocked, I really have no idea what to do.

I confronted my 'D'P as soon as I saw this, at first he tried to deny it, but then admitted & repeatedly apologised, promised never to do it again, suggested I blocked his access to these sites... but I'm furious with him. He put our child at risk of seeing such inappropriate things, I'm sure it would be classed as a child protection issue if DC had seen anything. I can't believe his lack of judgement, and it really worried me. The thing is we had an issue with this a long time ago when our child was a small baby, he was watching porn on the laptop instead of keeping an eye on the baby. I went mad at him when I realised & wouldn't let him have access to the laptop during the day for ages, and assumed that it wouldn't ever happen again. Now I'm starting to worry about how long he's been doing this, and how long our DC has been at risk of seeing any of it.

I really don't know what to do. It's crazy really, cos I'm sure if I was reading this post from someone else I'd be saying 'leave the bastard' but my feelings are so jumbled up. I managed to keep calm-ish when I spoke to him and really hammered home the huge issue that it is, and he agreed with me completely, but he can't answer why he didn't automatically view it that way. I said to him that he'd never sit & watch porn on the tv in case DC walked into the room, so why would he do it on the pc? He couldn't answer.

I'm devastated really, I feel like I don't even know him any more, that I have no trust or respect for him but I don't know what to do. Sure I could block his access, but he's an adult, I shouldn't have to control him like that! The crazy thing is, in every other way he's a great dad. I know it sounds such a cop out, but he really is. He plays with DC, has never laid a hand on either of us, and DC adores him, misses him when he's at work... can I really take that away from DC over a 'could have' situation? But then do I want to be with someone who can do something like this?

I don't even know why I'm posting here, I think it's just easier than discussing with someone in real life - especially at this time of night.

Any words of wisdom?

I don't understand the sort of person who, whilst looking after a child, fancied watching porn.
That is the crux of the matter, regardless aof your feelings about porn.
A man. While looking after a child. Wanted to watch porn.
Vile.

agree Gay, its really grim isnt it? Really very fucking grim

Are you insinuating that he wanted to watch porn because he was looking after the child or something. That something about childcare turned him on.
Is that what youre trying to say??????

Do you feel the same about people who feel horny and put a dvd on for the kids while they nip upstairs or into the bathroom for a quickie during the day?

I think what people are trying to say, correct me if I'm wrong. Lots of presumptions on this thread....

That anyone who decides, ohhhh let's watch some explicit, hardcore porn, whilst the kids are around, and up and about. Has pretty screwed up boundaries and high percentage of people would be quite sickened by it.

The porn argument is neither here nor there, if it's been normalised to the point of using it during the day, when your kids are up toddling found, well it's just vile, IMO.

I don't know what part of this you aren't understanding, Dinah. I've tried using small words. I'll try again.
I'm saying that most reasonable sentient beings do not pop a bit of porn on to pass the time while engaged in childcare. Most people, in fact, are not interested in getting their cock hard while looking after a kid.
I don't know about other people but looking after children is about an unsexy as you can get.
The man's boundaries are skewed.
Simples.

as long as its not about looking after the kids, and the children arent exposed to anything, then theres no harm done though shirley?
He shouldnt have watched it while the kids were in the next room. Way too risky. Being the thought police about whether he had sexy thoughts whilst he happened to have the kids around is taking it a bit too far though.

Doesnt everyone just have a sex drive that comes and goes throughout the day for no particular reason?

so were you, or werent you implying that it was something to do with looking after the children that was making him want to watch porn?

Do you really not see any difference between 'sexy thoughts' and watching hardcore porn videos where children can see them?

It is amazing how far some posters are prepared to go in order to promote the idea that Porn Is All OK. Saying its alright in front of a child is a new low...

watching hardcore porn isn't the same as having sex with your spouse upstairs.

let me put it this way...

child glimpses parents having sex: not ideal, but not abusive or horrible.

child glimpses parent watching a highly commodified, usually degrading representation of strangers having sex: nasty. possibly an abuse situation.

hence, watching porn while caring for children is Not A Good Idea

agree KeepTheChange the mind boggles really

of course i do

but some of the posts there were saying that it was outrageous he would even think about sex while he was in charge of kids.

Take away your uproar about the fact it was pornography and your moral objection to that and the sex industry issues etc and think about what the problem actually was. The children being potentially put at risk of catching a glimpse of people having sex on screen.

We dont know what it was he was watching. Its been implied it was fisting, its been implied it was women being punched, its all implications and imaginations going wild. We dont know any of these things. Tbh, its pretty unlikely. Thats a pretty specific genre.
We dont know whether it was glimpsed, or whether he sat and watched a film, or looked at some pictures.
Its been implied he was sitting tossing off to women being fisted and raped. while his children watched or something
Its been implied hes some sort of monster for even thinking about doing this while his children are around.
We dont know what was going through his head. Honestly, I saw an erotic(pornagraphic) picture on pinterest earlier, and quickly had a browse through the posters other pictures and saved some of them, whilst hiding my laptop screen while the kids were in the same room, then turned it off. I'll have a proper look later when theyre in bed.
whos to say what her husband did wasnt much in the same vein as that??

I agree with whoever was talking about joining the dots and chinese whispers. You sound like a load of hysterical old gossips who cant even accept the fact that the OP has now satisfactorily sorted it out with her husband and are insistent on meddling. I dont think youd be happy unless you split up every relationship on here

I actually think I've lost all faith in humanity...

As to the "all men watch porn" bull... No, they don't. Just saying. I know several men who don't.

it wasnt in front of a child ffs.

I haven't acted precisely because watching 18+ girls pretending to be schoolgirls showering after PE in a school shower whilst the teacher (profession of the porn watcher) watches them through a 'spyhole' as if he was doing this in real life is not illegal.

However.....
The porn user in this case teaches pubescent girls and is a PE/other subject teacher.
The 'girls' in the film are dressed in younger style clothing-they are small breasted-flat chested and they are styled to look very young-no 'traditional' porn underwear here, no visible make up, braces and cartoon patterned underwear.

I am wondering how many people would feel totally comfortable about this man teaching their children bearing in mind that he sees pubescent girls as a masturbatory aid?

As I said, I just do not know what to do.

You sound like a load of hysterical old gossips who cant even accept the fact that the OP has now satisfactorily sorted it out with her husband and are insistent on meddling.

As someone who has been in the same position as the OP, but who made a different decision, this thread has been very helpful to me It has helped clarify my thoughts and brought some closure about something that I also felt I was dealing with alone.

I now know that I am not alone in my views, and neither is my ex - we both have opposing views about a situation that arose, just as the different posters on here do. In my case, neither of us were prepared to compromise to the extent required in order to reconcile, so we went our separate ways and the marriage ended.

I hope the OP hasn't taken offence at the fact that it has gone from being about her specific situation, to a more general discussion, as it has really been valuable

atreegrowsinbrooklyn, that IS disturbing and horrible.

Isnt there a law against porn depicting children, even if theyre not underage?? I thought there was.

youre implying also that he was watching sexual violence, when thats a pretty specific genre too and nothing has been mentioned about what it was he was watching. Hardcore porn just means actual sex, as opposed to soft porn which would be naked pictures or topless pictures. It doesnt mean violent sex.

Are you talking about the sex industry in general being inherently violent, with a less specific meaning to the word violence, rather than actually watching violent porn? Because the majority of porn available its all women at least acting like they absolutely love it and its all consensual, because thats what the vast vast majority of men want. A woman enjoying it, and most hardcore porn is still portraying vanilla sex

I wish there was a law. I am so disturbed by this; my partner does not use porn-he despises it as professionally has worked with too many women damaged directly by it, so I haven't had to face this issue myself.

This teacher's 'preference' may or may not indicate a potential risk. What disturbs me most is that all the porn content featured girls made to appear underage. This may be because he knows the consequences should he seek out child pornography or it may not.

But I am not a 'meddling old gossip' as described by some of the more vehement posters on this thread. I am merely asking for measured advice/guidance from those posters who may have better professional/personal knowledge than I.

Anybody....Please PM me if you prefer to avoid the attacks of mysogynists/apologists for men who wank over images of young women pretending to be pre pubescent children.

The child was in the vincinity. Could have walked in. I've had times when the laptop's frozen in the middle of a game. What's to say it wouldn't freeze whilst the man in question was watching this porn.

The children were at risk of seeing pornography. The man in question was being immature, reckless and self centred.

it was me that described some posters as that, and im not apologising for anyone/men women who wank over child porn or porn depicting children. Im pretty sure there is a law against it although dont want to google those terms, and i dont think youre hysterical at all from your post. Youre quite rightly worried imo

So it's not ok for a man to watch porn where adult women are trying to appear like children even though this is legal, but it is perfectly ok for a man to watch porn while supervising (or not) his child who may have been exposed to it, which actually IS illegal?

trophyeyes, i 100% agree with you. Thats exactly what i think he was being.

I think thats pretty much all he was being. immature, selfish, silly and a bit of an idiot. The child could have easily walked in.

Im just saying nothing actually happened and theres no need to start chinese whispering about what it was he was watching, where it will all lead, what it is likely to mean and how terrible a person he must be, practically a sex offender.