I shouldn't be upset about this should I?

[PleaseLeaveGeorge]

But I am upset I know it's none of my business and nothing to do with me but I can't unhear what I heard iyswim.

I have been with dp for a couple of years now and always had a very adventurous sex life, usually quite experimental and he has pushed my boundaries although not overstepped them.

He always made it very clear all this stuff was new to him, that he was nervous, that it was special to us etc

But, I bumped into his ex today and we got chatting. She seems nice, I knew who she was but hadn't spoken to her before. We were talking about dp and his annoying habits and she said "well he was always a dirty bugger lol" I asked what she meant and it turns out that everything we had done for the first time he had ready done with her and I know she is telling the truth as it came from her with no input from me and she was spot on with the stuff we do.

It's not run of the mill stuff, it is based on a lot of trust and it seems he told us both how much it meant to him that we could do this together etc

I feel dirty!

You feel dirty because he has been lying to you and suddenly all the things that were special were not.

So to your question 'I shouldn't be upset about it, shouldn't I' I think the answer is 'YES you should' but not because he has done the same with someone else but because of the lies.

Is he keen on lies or 'white' lies with other things too?

I'd be upset too - and am when my DP even refers to places etc. that he went to with his XW. I can't bear to think about the sex!

I think your DP probably said the things he did for the right reasons. We just have to get over it and move on.

It's a damn sight worse when he tells you tmi believe me!

BTW the X probable loved stirring it up - all done soo innocently - not.

I too would be very upset, are you going to mention this to him?

Dont blame you for being upset at all but on the other hand he probably didn't reckon on you meeting up with his ex and discussing yours and their sex lives! I think if I were you I would have to bring it up with him, now that you do know.

Not that I know of but then I didn't expect him to have lied about this, for example he always said he had never orgasmed through oral sex and when he did with me he just sat there for a few minutes saying how amazed he was and how good I was etc, he had the EXACT same scenario with her. That's the mildest example I can think off.

What was he meant to say "oh i did this with ex it was great lets try it?"
Talk to him about it-if you can do stuff that involves a lot of trust then surely you can speak to him about this.

There's no right reason to manipulate someone into pushing their sexual boundaries by lying to them.

I could never trust a man I knew had based our entire sex life on tricking me into thinking we were trying new stuff together, when in fact he was grooming me to go along with his pre-existing predilections.

Sorry but I feel uneasy about that.
It really looks like he is putting on a really big show. Saying that he had never done X before is one thing but insisting so much about it???

I guess he said these things at the beginning of the relationship? Well we all say things then that we think are what the other wants to hear. No harm in that, and we don't really know how the realtionship will progress.

I can think of a coiuple of things that I told my DP that frankly now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut.

We have to be realistic - it's just life, bit like not telling the whole truth on how many people we've shagged.

He didn't have to say he had never done any of it before but he also didn't have to say he had never done it before either.

I am going to have to speak to him about it but I don't know how.

It's not even like he only said it once, it has been a constant theme through our relationship, I thought we were trying things together as part of a loving trusting relationship, I feel manipulated and used.

I have done things that would never have crossed my mind to do and the thought of doing them again disgusts me

Yes but that's saying things.
Like you would say that you have climbed Ben Nevis 5 times when you have never done it before and you would be happy to do that with him.

When you put on a show to ensure that the partner really believes it's true is a vey different issue. It's like 'creating' photos that shows you on the top that mountain to back up your claims. Who would do that?

I would follow your instincts.
If you feel manipulated, then you probably have been.

Totally agree that I would also be upset if i knew about this but OP i would also be horrified if my DP discussed our sex life with my ex and compared it with theirs. Yes, he was wrong to lie to you but you don't exactly expect your exes to sit and compare notes do you?

You should NEVER have gotten into that conversation with his ex...it cheapens your relationship instantly. However wrong he was to lie, in my opinion you have only equalled his wrongs with yours.

If this post was a males' post

"My girlfriend swore she had never done the sexual things which we enjoy with another man and now I have talked about sex and her with her ex and found she lied" well that would be terrible! And it IS terrible!

I thnk you should forget it and reevaluate your relationship....and your boundries.

I agree Awkward we would all be up in arms if the situation was reversed.

Why on EARTH did his ex go into such great detail about their sex life? Did she volunteer the information or did you quiz her?

That is not a normal conversation to be having about someone you are completely over. It's not an appropriate conversation to be having with your ex's new partner at all.

It does make you wonder what sort of woman, who you have never spoken to before, starts telling you about giving your DP a blow job. Bit weird.

I know I shouldn't have discussed it with her but after her throwaway comment about him I couldn't help but keep digging.

He told me that I was the only person he had never had sex without a condom but trusted me and wanted a long term relationship with me so we didn't use one. He had said the same thing to her.

I know I shouldn't have got into it with her but the more I heard, the more I asked.

I wonder about the ex's agenda, actually... It's a really odd thing to do.

Yeah, it's your fault for finding out you were manipulated

If a bloke came on and said he'd found out his partner had lied to him to convince him to push his sexual boundaries I would think he'd been betrayed just as much as the OP has.

There is no room in my life for liars.

She volunteered a lot if it but admittedly once she got to a certain point and I realised that it was a carbon copy I did ask questions, it was like a slow motion car crash, I couldn't stop it

Why would you go into details about your sex life with someone you just met?

It's becoming clear that she had a very willing audience. The more you lapped it up the more she gave you.

It's a bit like reading someones text messages - you might see somehting you dont like.