I shouldn't be upset about this should I?

[PleaseLeaveGeorge]

But I am upset I know it's none of my business and nothing to do with me but I can't unhear what I heard iyswim.

I have been with dp for a couple of years now and always had a very adventurous sex life, usually quite experimental and he has pushed my boundaries although not overstepped them.

He always made it very clear all this stuff was new to him, that he was nervous, that it was special to us etc

But, I bumped into his ex today and we got chatting. She seems nice, I knew who she was but hadn't spoken to her before. We were talking about dp and his annoying habits and she said "well he was always a dirty bugger lol" I asked what she meant and it turns out that everything we had done for the first time he had ready done with her and I know she is telling the truth as it came from her with no input from me and she was spot on with the stuff we do.

It's not run of the mill stuff, it is based on a lot of trust and it seems he told us both how much it meant to him that we could do this together etc

I feel dirty!

We have a child so i was tested during pregnancy.

He obviously found a method that allowed him to get what he wanted with her and used the same script with me.

I don't want his hands on me again. It's not that he had done it before it's that he has consistently lied to me, it's premeditated and the whole time it's been so fake.

AKiss this isn't downplaying.
Saying 'Oh I've not done that before' is.
but acting nervous and fumbling, was amazed after, told me how special we were Because of these things is manipulating the OP.

I don't think anybody here is saying what he has done is ok Peppa it is the unusual manner in which the op has found out that people are commenting on.

OP I think the ex does have an agenda, you must be feeling quite betrayed. You've not done anything wrong, collect your thoughts and decide what you want to do next.

I'm bemused as to why the OP is being told off here. She's been lied to. She's been lied to in the pursuit of pushing her sexual boundaries beyond things she would have found unacceptable in a less 'trusting' environment.

I'd say that's far more offensive than talking about her sex life with the ex.

Nice going to slag off the ex too - always the woman's fault, eh?

OP, hope you're okay, that must have been a horrible thing to discover and if it were me I don't think I could trust him again. He sounds like a bit of a scumbag, tbh, and your most recent post re. photos also makes me shudder. Really sorry that you're going through this and wish I had some more concrete advice for you :(

You don't want to be with someone who sees you as someone to manipulate into doing his bidding, do you?

OP, I can totally understand your pov.
For him to regain your trust would take a lot....

Wondering if the reason why the ex was so talkative is because she had been in exactely the same place than the OP and wanted to warn her

The thing is...if the OP were not comfortable doing these things....then WHY do them? OP...did you not want to do the sexual things you did? If not then why did you? Because he said "You're the only woman I have done this with" ??

Because that's an odd reason to do something that you're not comfy doing in the first place.

The fact is, the OP is acting like a helpless woman..."I never wanted to do this...I did it because you said I was the first...it was only OK when I thought you were new at at too."

Thats just odd.

Im 30

When we met I had just come out of a relationship and was very insecure about the way I looked etc I wouldn't even take my clothes off in front of him he said he felt the same and that it was all new to him.

Bloody hell - he's really done a number on you, hasn't her? You must feel all over the place.

Did the Ex think she'd been the "first time" for all this stuff as well?

Why is it important to be "the first"? Genuine question...I just don't see why that's an issue.

I'm not sure I get what everyone else is disgusted with him for. Are you saying that if you'd known he'd done kinky stuff with other women then you wouldn't have wanted to do it with him? You wanted to be special and be the first person he'd done that with? So he told you that you were and now you're upset that you weren't?

"Nice going to slag off the ex too - always the woman's fault, eh?"

In this instance, yes, what the ex said was totally inappropriate.

This does not detract from the fact that the OP's DP has manipulated her.

Men, esp young men, will say anything to get a shag and a women to indulge in their fantasies. OP has just been v niaive to fall for it and now it's come and slapped her in the face.

It's clear that the 3 players in this are all very young.

Chalk it down to experience and learn from it and FFS don't let anyone take a bloody photo of you in any pose that you would show your mother!

30????

I see awkwardmary has put it better than I have, but I don't see why it matters if you are not the first. Especially as Ive just seen that you are 30. If he had 10+ years of fucking before you there's a good chance he's done a lot of kinky stuff with other women before you.

As stupid as it sounds I did do those things because I thought I was the first, because I thought it made us special - I am not saying I didn't want to do them, physically it felt great, emotionally it was important to me because it built trust and confidence.

He hurt his ex a lot I think, I do t know exactly what happened and im sure she does have an agenda but she couldn't have known the things she did unless they were true.

She bought him a male vibrator thing, when they split she posted it back through his door have it back to him.

Not that I mentioned it to her but he produced a strangely similar one for us to use a months into our relationship saying he had bought it, what are the chances he had bought it and not dug it out from the back of a drawer - again this was meant to be something he had never tried before and was nervous about admitting he was curious about it.

It doesn't matter than I wasn't the first it matters that he told me I was and that's why he wanted to try these things.

He could have just asked me if I fancied trying them, why tell the lies

How odd

you have a baby with this man but think he would use the SAME vibrator he used with his ex?? I can't envision that doubt!??

Don't have a go at the OP for being naive. He intended to deceive her and he succeeded.
OP I am so sorry. This must be a real blow to your relationship.
I wish i had something positive to say, but I don't - I'd feel just as you do, and for me it would be over.

So are you saying you wouldn't have done those things if you'd known he'd done them with other women?

If you do split with him over this it might prove tricky for you to find a man who hadn't done stuff with other women before you, it's pretty much a given for people in their 20s and 30s.

That's right Kiss once you get past a certain age, then people experiment...it IS odd of him to lie about his experience...does he love you? Why don't you tell him all this and get it out in the open.