I shouldn't be upset about this should I?

[PleaseLeaveGeorge]

But I am upset I know it's none of my business and nothing to do with me but I can't unhear what I heard iyswim.

I have been with dp for a couple of years now and always had a very adventurous sex life, usually quite experimental and he has pushed my boundaries although not overstepped them.

He always made it very clear all this stuff was new to him, that he was nervous, that it was special to us etc

But, I bumped into his ex today and we got chatting. She seems nice, I knew who she was but hadn't spoken to her before. We were talking about dp and his annoying habits and she said "well he was always a dirty bugger lol" I asked what she meant and it turns out that everything we had done for the first time he had ready done with her and I know she is telling the truth as it came from her with no input from me and she was spot on with the stuff we do.

It's not run of the mill stuff, it is based on a lot of trust and it seems he told us both how much it meant to him that we could do this together etc

I feel dirty!

I told him he had no respect for me and women in general, that I felt used and dirty, I am ashamed of what I agreed to do although I don't know if I'd have done it anyway without the lies but I never had chance to find out.

He says he has kinky fetishes I said that's all very well but that's not the issue the lies and the betrayal are.

He has said he wants to go and see someone and wants me to come with him but at the moment I don't even want to be in the same room as him.

A few days ago we were planning our wedding and talking about trying for another baby not going to happen considering the only thing I want to do with his penis is put it in a blender

It is so nasty, and the "never trusted anyone enough to ask" just adds to it.

And I would feel no different if the genders were reversed.

Christ almighty.

There's nothing wrong with people peeing on people left right and centre if you're both into it and happy with it.

But these kind of sex acts generally take a LOT of trust in the other partner because rightly or wrongly they're seen as outside of the norm and can be interpreted as degrading or insulting to one partner.

So there is FUCKING TONS wrong with one partner lying to create the illusion that they are placing that trust in the other partner, when actually they aren't.

It's like coming to a poker game with your agreed suitcase full of cash, but bringing one filled with monopoly money instead.

Don't you dare feel degraded - but make damn sure you let him know how pathetic and issue-ridden HE is to need to play 'innocent teenager' to get his jollies. Pathetic little worm. Laugh at HIM and inform him - it's just piss you know love - nothing special - well, now you've made SURE it's nothing special, just part of the lie that is your whole needy silly sex life- you worm.

I'm so sorry.

Yes nowt to do with gender.

Lying and manipulating - devious nasty bastard. That covers it. Would be the same reversed.

It is very nasty, and manipulative.

I won't say that the kinks in and of themselves show no respect for women but his behaviour around them certainly does.

I think he is similar to my ex actually, he didn't believe I had the right to say no to sex or the autonomy to make my own sexual decisions. He never forced me much but would go on and on and on until I ageed to do whatever it was he wanted.

Your P also thinks he has rights to use you, he just uses different tactics to make sure he gets what he wants. Manipulation instead of repitition.

Get rid of him. He's a manipulative bastard and you can't trust a word he says. He wants to subject you to humiliating sexual acts and he lies about his reasons. There's no reason to keep him and every reason to let him go.

I've had a very similar scenario with an ex who, like yours, told me that everything we were trying together was as new for him as it was for me, and I suspect you and I were both very similar in that this was a basis for the way in which the trust was built. When it feels like you're experimenting together and learning new things together you feel much more trusting. However, as Warren said above, if the other person is open about this being their 'thing', and they'd like to introduce you to it, that's a totally different way of approaching it. You can build the same level of trust but in more a teacher/learner fashion (which is what I did with my next partner).

Basically my ex was lying about never having done it before. Just as he was lying about never having had a relationship with a student before (he was my university tutor). I think it's very telling that he had a standard MO to get what he wanted rather than just be honest with a new partner and say "I like doing x, y and z, do you think you'd be interested in trying it?".

Yours sounds like he's doing the same thing. He didn't want to risk asking you straight out, and have you potentially say no. Which, in my opinion, and in very blunt terms, means it was probably more of a priority to him to get the sexual practices he wanted than to establish an honest, trusting relationship with you.

For what it's worth, my next partner (who is still my DP, 2 DCs later) wasn't very keen. He tried a few things for me, but didn't really enjoy them, so I've knocked that sexual behaviour on the head. Because (and here's the key to how relationships should work) I want to be with him more than I want to have BDSM sex. I miss it a little, but I'd miss him a whole lot more.

"He has said he wants to go and see someone and wants me to come with him."

That's a line.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, he just wants to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

Good that you're not falling for it.

What is he going to "see someone" about?

Enjoying pissing on people is not a problem.

The problem is that he's a liar and manipulator who uses women.

If he wants to fix that problem (and I doubt he recognises it as one) he needs to do it alone.

Why on earth would you be coming along?

Answer: because it's all for show

Athing - spot on.

This isn't a problem with your relationship. It's a problem with HIM.

Trouble is - like with all devastatingly serious lies - it puts you in a catch-22. How do you know when or if to start believing him again? Lies are so fatal. So hard to properly come back from. You've found out what he is really like. very tough.

Christ almighty,how VILE.thank god I m so vanilla

I really don't see how you can get over that level of deception.he sounds like a complete weirdo peeve to me,and not in a good way.

Perve,not peeve!

I think its really horrible now youve elaborated further.
I think hes really manipulated you. I love a lot of kinky stuff, but hes lied and coerced you to go further than you were happy with by lying to you. Completely not on, and pretty abusive and calculated imo

I would actually tell him to go fuck himself over this

A man who enjoys pissing on women (amongst other things) by tricking them into it? I suspect he gets off on the 'tricking' aspect as much as the acts themselves.

Not someone I'd like to have as a friend, let alone anything else.

Enjoying pissing on people is not a problem

What about shitting on people? Is that OK too?

It seems clear to me that OP wouldn't have initiated this stuff. She was effectively conned into it. How much of any enjoyment she felt was based on her feeling like it was something new they were both exploring together? A fair bit, I reckon. I honestly don't think being wee-ed on is that much fun for anyone. The 'shared naughtiness' and the feeling this created a bond with her partner was important to her.

I think it is a problem to enjoy pissing on people. It is degrading and demeaning to the other person to empty your body waste onto them. How would you open-minded types feel about, for example, your daughter letting a partner do this to them one day?

I'd hate the idea I think.

I agree with Athing - why the Hell would you need to go along with him to see someone? This is not a mutual problem....neither is it a sex problem.

The problem is that he is is a pathalogical liar, a user, a manipulator and has fuck all respect for women.

i dont think its really the place to debate golden showers tbh. Thats not the issue at all. people enjoy all sorts and you cant judge a person by their sexual tastes, as long as its all consensual. Some people like to degrade, and some people like to be degraded. Most dont like either.
The issue is that hes conned and coerced her into it and lied to her

I undestand, its that you trusted him and so pushed your boundaries, nothing wrong with you.

Him, lying to you, oh this is so special, I have never done this before, I understand how this has made you feel.

I am no angel, but I have never lied to DH, and thats the problem, he has lied and lied and lied and lied.

Given how I imagine you are feeling, I would seriously give a rape crisis centre a call, because the feelings you describe are so similar to those of sexual abuse/rape victims.

(((((((((((((((((unmumsnetty hug)

"How would you open-minded types feel about, for example, your daughter letting a partner do this to them one day?"

What my daughters get up to sexually when they are adults will be none of my business.

I have very vanilla tastes myself, but it's the pushing of boundaries, the manipulation and the lying that matters here, not the specific acts engaged in.

The post about Paris made a good point - the extent odirge deceit is unpleasant even if you take sex out of it entirely (although I think the fact that the OP was manipulated into sexual activity is important to what has gone on here.)

Wow! You poor thing! I have tried some sexual acts with my husband that I've never done with anyone else and he told me that he hadn't tried then either.

I did wonder though but he insisted he hadn't. If i found out he had lied i actually don't think i could forgive him.

Your boyfriend has completely lied and manipulated you. Its a disgusting way to behave to get you to do things sexual that perhaps you were very hesitant about.

I would seriously wonder what else he lied about and i would reassess the whole relationship.

Btw some posters on this thread are very strange.

I don't think the act itself is the issue either. It could be something much more extreme or it could be something more 'vanilla' - the fact is he lied and manipulated the OP.

AKiss I think that question is self explanatory in this case!

OP - I think you have uncovered some information it is well worth knowing although unpleasant to know!

At best he was saying what he thought you wanted to hear in some misguided attempt to boost your ego. At worst he has played you for a fool and knows what buttons to push to get the kicks he wants from whichever girl he happens to be with.

He has played a cruel and pointless game - he has used your emotions for his own ends and built a lot of trust on a lie. Not nice. Not nice at all. :(

Better you found out though and can decide what to do about it. make sure you have thought through what you feel before you discuss it so he can't bamboozle/confuse things more when he tries to dig his way out of it.

Good luck. :( for you

ATHing what my daughters 'get up to sexually' when they are grown up is none of my business either. But I really hope I've raised them to have more self respect than to let a man piss in their face. I am sure I have actually.

The title of this thread says it all: 'I shouldn't be upset about this, should I?'. OP feels like shit about what's happened, but at some level she seems concerned that she's the one with the problem, that she's not supposed or entitled to be upset.

She has said she feels degraded, cheap and dirty and has said so. I don't think it's helpful to tell her she has no right to feel like this (don't you dare feel degraded).

Dinah, OP wasn't 'coerced' into these things. It was consensual. But it wasn't mutual; she had to be persuaded, and to persuade her, her partner told lies. But it's not the lies that make her feel 'dirty', is it?

It's so hard to explain how I feel. I thought I would post here and get told not to be so stupid. It's a strong word and I dont use it lightly but I feel violated. I am so angry he put my sexual health at risk with the condom thing (his explanation is that he knew he didn't have anything so it didn't matter)

I can't put into words how I feel, I possibly would have tried some of the stuff anyway but all I can think is that he played me. I feel like ive been groomed to act like a hardcore porn star.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't think I will ever want to sleep with him again and if I do I certainly wont be doing all that stuff. So he won't enjoy it anyway and to be go eat I don't think I would as I e got used to having sex this way.

What should I be telling him to do? Are there people out there that can change a liar? He has massively downplayed it today, he's not mentioned it and has carried on as normal. I don't know what I should be asking of him and I'm not sure he is able to fix this

I can totally understand you feeling violated OP. How it appears to me is that you felt pressured into doing things you weren't 100% comfortable with on the basis that you were exploring new things with your partner. Now that the truth is out, it feels to you like he just pulled your strings to make you into the kind of sexual partner he wanted.

Is your entire sex life centred around unusual acts or is it sometimes straightforward and loving?