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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I shouldn't be upset about this should I?

151 replies

PleaseLeaveGeorge · 06/04/2012 21:26

But I am upset I know it's none of my business and nothing to do with me but I can't unhear what I heard iyswim.

I have been with dp for a couple of years now and always had a very adventurous sex life, usually quite experimental and he has pushed my boundaries although not overstepped them.

He always made it very clear all this stuff was new to him, that he was nervous, that it was special to us etc

But, I bumped into his ex today and we got chatting. She seems nice, I knew who she was but hadn't spoken to her before. We were talking about dp and his annoying habits and she said "well he was always a dirty bugger lol" I asked what she meant and it turns out that everything we had done for the first time he had ready done with her and I know she is telling the truth as it came from her with no input from me and she was spot on with the stuff we do.

It's not run of the mill stuff, it is based on a lot of trust and it seems he told us both how much it meant to him that we could do this together etc

I feel dirty!

OP posts:
namechangernumber9 · 07/04/2012 17:33

you feel raped, and thats because you consented to things because they were "new", and "special" and scarey to both of you, that you were experimenting and pushing boundaries together.

He has abused you by lying to you, you did these things because you loved and trusted them, the basis of your consent is gone, and with it, the willingness you had to share the "adventure".

I dont think you can get trust back after a betrayal of this magnitude.

Its not that he has done them with someone else, it is that he used yours and his "innocence" to persaude you that you were doing something really special, between the 2 of you.

lazarusb · 07/04/2012 17:59

Maybe he should move out for a while so that you can have a bit of time to process this. If you want to end this relationship then that's up to you. Your feelings are important and he is trying to minimise and ignore them. If you stay together he might ask you to repeat these acts again and tell you you've done it before, why not now? It seems this side of your relationship is about pressure rather than love.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/04/2012 18:50

So you've told him you know he lied? What wars reaction?

PooPooInMyToes · 07/04/2012 18:50

Sorry i meant What was his reaction?

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2012 19:21

Ask him to leave while you process this new information.

You shouldn't have to live with a man you feel violated by while he acts as if it didn't happen.

His complete lack of concern today and clear hope that if he ignores it it will go away tells you everything you need to know about how seriously he takes this, i.e. not at all.

I think it's really sad that you don't trust your own feelings on this - that you genuinely thought that if we all said (as some particularly blinkered people did at first) that what he had done to you was not your business, that you would have accepted that.

Lizzie is right - your feelings are valid and important. Trust what they are telling you - that you have been played. That this guy is a player.

pictish · 07/04/2012 19:24

Poo - he denied it for ages, then in the face of the evidence was forced to admit it, then he said he was ashamed and needed counselling with the OP, and now he is behaving as though nothing has happened.

Confused
Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 07/04/2012 19:55

I've just said to him " so what are you going to do?"

And he said "about what?"

He is doing the same thing he always does when he thinks im annoyed with him - he hides in the kitchen cooking and making me cups of tea.

He seems to think I am over reacting - I told him it was irrelevant whether or not he thought I was over reacting as this is my reaction and I am entitled to it.

I never want his hands on me again, I hate what he has done, I have no confidence in anything he has ever told me. But we have a child together and I have to put him first.

I can't get him to take me seriously

I found the photos and videos on his old phone along with very similar ones of her and deleted them all. It seems that for the first 2 weeks of our relationship he was seeing us both and then just stopped taking her calls and she found out about me on fb although I knew nothing about her, they had been together over a year.

OP posts:
Xales · 07/04/2012 20:02

Your child can come first without you living with this liar.

He can be a decent father not living with you.

Why would he take you seriously? You have been unimportant in this relationship compared to what he wants all this time. Nothing has changed. He does not consider your feelings or you important.

As far as he is concerned he has done nothing wrong, nothing needs to change and he needs to make no amendments because he has done exactly what he wanted to do all along.

Staying quiet until you brush it under the carpet means he will have to do nothing in his opinion. You have a huff, get over it eventually and he carries on happily.

I think asking him to leave and give you space while you reassess may make him see that this is serious.

Or he will just move onto his next victim.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2012 20:25

What Xales said +1

namechangernumber9 · 07/04/2012 20:28

It seems that for the first 2 weeks of our relationship he was seeing us both and then just stopped taking her calls and she found out about me on fb

That is an extremely cruel thing to do to someone, just stop taking their calls for no reason, it takes a special form of scumbag to be so low and underhand.

You do not need to stay with him for DCs sake, if you stay it should be because you want to.

I am shaking my head at what a low life he is, to both of you by the sounds of things.

Be kind to yourself OP. Whatever you decide.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/04/2012 21:59

How did you find out that he just stopped taking her calls? On his phone? Did you not know that there were pics of her on there as well?

Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 07/04/2012 22:21

He told me last night when I asked him what the hell he had done to her to have hurt her so badly, because it's come from him though I don't believe that's the truth. Well not all of it anyway. He gave me the phone when I asked him for the photos, he said he had forgotten to delete her photos from it, to be fair it was missing a battery and I had to put the battery from my old phone in it to get it to turn on.

OP posts:
therewasatime · 07/04/2012 22:24

the truth is probably worse.

Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 07/04/2012 22:37

From the little bits she said I think he treated her worse than he has been to me. Apart from this incident I always thought he was a decent man but I could see in her face how much he had hurt her. He hasn't seen or spoken to her since they split up, don't blame her for telling me what she did even if it was only to cause problems. She seemed nice and under different circumstances we would probably have been friends, she reminds me of me Sad

OP posts:
therewasatime · 07/04/2012 22:42

well if he thinks it is ok to suddenly stop contact with someone with whom he is in an intense relationship, then god knows what else he thinks is ok.

TheSecondComing · 07/04/2012 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 08:28

Im so sorry. It must be awful to suddenly find out the man you love isn't who you think he is. You must feel like your world has been turned upside down. Sad

PeppaIsBack · 08/04/2012 09:25

Oh Please :(:(.

Not only he has been lying and manipulating you but he was also happy to cheat and keep his old girlfriend on the side just in case it didn't work with you.

The upshot is that you now know who he really is and you won't be living a lie anymore.

Apart from the old phone, have you been able to put your hands on the other videos and photos he has taken?

Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 08/04/2012 10:27

Strangely I'm not really upset about him having cheated on me as it was in the first 2 weeks of our relationship and it was along time ago. I feel awful for his ex though as I was unknowingly the ow Angry

I don't think I can stay in a relationship with somebody that I don't want to have a sexual relationship with though

OP posts:
CailinDana · 08/04/2012 10:33

I agree that you can't stay in a relationship with him. Of course you can't, you don't trust him and you have lost respect for him.

PooPooInMyToes · 08/04/2012 11:03

Poor you Sad

Nyac · 08/04/2012 11:14

How horrible.

He can be a father to his son without you living with him. It's an option for you, if you want to take it.

maybenow · 08/04/2012 11:31

i don't know why people are being so dismissive about going for relationship counselling.

clearly you have a problem, you don't ever want to have sex with him again and he doesn't yet truly understand the depth of what he's done wrong.

you have a child together though (if i read an earlier post right) and you've been together two years. why not try relationship counselling? to see if he's capable of understanding the depth of his wrongdoing? i would give it a shot. if he's still unrepentant or still doesn't understand what he's done wrong after explaining your situation to a third party and hearing it described out loud to a professional counsellor then call it a day on the relatioship.

Nyac · 08/04/2012 11:35

What would relationship counselling say about lying so you can urinate on your wife's face and make pornography of her. The same way you did to your last partner.

maybenow · 08/04/2012 11:37

i would imagine it would say a LOT about how lacking that behaviour is in trust and respect...