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Original poster

I shouldn't be upset about this should I?

151 replies

PleaseLeaveGeorge · 06/04/2012 21:26

But I am upset I know it's none of my business and nothing to do with me but I can't unhear what I heard iyswim.

I have been with dp for a couple of years now and always had a very adventurous sex life, usually quite experimental and he has pushed my boundaries although not overstepped them.

He always made it very clear all this stuff was new to him, that he was nervous, that it was special to us etc

But, I bumped into his ex today and we got chatting. She seems nice, I knew who she was but hadn't spoken to her before. We were talking about dp and his annoying habits and she said "well he was always a dirty bugger lol" I asked what she meant and it turns out that everything we had done for the first time he had ready done with her and I know she is telling the truth as it came from her with no input from me and she was spot on with the stuff we do.

It's not run of the mill stuff, it is based on a lot of trust and it seems he told us both how much it meant to him that we could do this together etc

I feel dirty!

OP posts:
pictish · 06/04/2012 22:37

Kiss - it's not got anything to do with him having done these things before...she's not jealous ffs!

PatsysPyjamas · 06/04/2012 22:37

Feel for you, OP. I had an ex who literally said anything I wanted to hear and I was too naive to realise this for a long time. After I did realise, I was too hurt to admit it to myself for even longer. If he's so relaxed about the truth, I'd wonder what else he's been lying about. He is not going to tell you, of course. But I think you need to have it out with him. You've done nothing wrong.

CailinDana · 06/04/2012 22:40

OP I think some posters are being very harsh on you. I think the ex might have been trying to warn you, why else would she have brought it up? Chances are she had a similar experience to you. Regardless of what her motives were, you know now and you can't unknow it.

FWIW I can totally understand why you are upset about this. The idea that someone you love and trust was putting on an act in the bedroom in order to get you to do sexual things is horrible. It would make me feel like I didn't really know my partner.

Are you going to talk to your DP about this?

pictish · 06/04/2012 22:42

OP if you are thinking of finishing things, don't let on until you have every photo he has taken, safely in your possession.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 06/04/2012 22:44

Warn her of what Cailin? That a grown man had sex? That he had RUDE sex with other women before her? And lied about it? Maybe the OP is a jealous type or insecure and he thought it was a "kind lie"

I have lied with no malice to men in the past about my experience when I was a bit younger...my DH is mature enough to share the truth with...not made myself to be a virgin in the past..but people judge don't they?

CailinDana · 06/04/2012 22:48

Perhaps the ex found out that he had lied to her too.

I agree with you Mary that some small white lies about sexual experience are fine, they're just intended to protect your partner or prevent them from getting jealous. But telling elaborate, ongoing lies in order to persuade your partner to do things that you think they wouldn't otherwise do is horrible and creepy. The OP and her partner have a child together, they're not just a fling, so it would be normal to expect some level of honesty, especially about things that involve trust, such as taking photos and doing new things sexually. Don't you agree?

pictish · 06/04/2012 22:48

Myname isn'tfucking warren has it down pat for me.

"It's one thing to say 'no darling, of course I've never done this before'.

It's quite another to put on a huge unasked for performance pretending you've never done it that way, and to make it your whole 'thing' with introducing new stuff. Or not new, as it turns out.

It's really quite creepy."

I think that you awkwardmary and you AKiss are missing the point somewhat.

Bohica · 06/04/2012 22:49

And every video and quick mobile shot......

I would feel exactly like I'm reading your posts, it's the deception that he was nervous and it was all new that makes it feel so seedy, like he has found his way to trick you into doing something you may would have done by lying to you.

You really need to talk to him after collecting all the evidence

AKissIsNotAContract · 06/04/2012 22:52

Yeah I must be missing the point.

I'm also in deep shit if DP ever runs into any of my exes.

I won't post again because I'm just not getting it, sorry.

CailinDana · 06/04/2012 22:55

AKiss, would you seriously be ok with your DP telling you lie after lie in order to get you to do sexual things? Would you be ok with him putting on an act, suggesting slightly "out there" things and then making out that you're doing something really special by allowing him to explore something new and exciting when in fact he'd done it all before with someone else?

TheSecondComing · 06/04/2012 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IloveJudgeJudy · 06/04/2012 22:58

I think what the OP is saying is that it would have been OK and that she probably would have tried stuff with him, anyway. The horrible thing is that he made out that he'd never done this stuff before and that she and he were trying new stuff together. I know that you wouldn't say, "Oh, I already did this with X, it was great. Shall we try it?". Normally, things just sort of flow, don't they, or you ask, "shall we try this?" Unless one wanted to open a real can of worms, one wouldn't ask where or with whom the other person had done various activities.

I agree with the OP that she's been manipulated.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2012 06:54

"normal people don't provide a running commentary into their prior sex lives."

No, they don't.

And only the really creepy ones make a massive issue of their past sex life that is based entirely on lies.

This relationship would be over for me, once (as pictish wisely recommends) I'd got hold of the photos.

DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 08:25

i think all three of you are in the wrong and now its come to bite you on the bum and the only one whos going to come away laughing and feeling powerful is his ex girlfriend

ballstoit · 07/04/2012 08:42

I'd be completely freaked out by this tbh, and I think it would be over for me.

Even in a non sexual way, I'd find this horrible. For example, if your DP had been to Paris with ex, then you went together and he said he'd never been before, was excited about seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time, took lots of photos, but then you later found out he'd been there with his ex. It wouldn't be the fact that he'd been before that would be upsetting, it would be the elaborate bull-shitting and the knowledge that my DP was so good at deceiving me.

Look after yourself op, because a liar this convincing is going to be very difficult to trust again.

Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 07/04/2012 08:54

I can only post a short message as he came home after my last post and I couldn't help but blurt it all out, not so much in a talking way but more of a rant that he couldn't get a word in edge ways Blush

He denied everything until I told him I knew when he was lying (I obviously don't) and pointed out that she wouldn't have none the exact same things unless it were true. He denied it over and over but eventually admitted it. He didn't seem to grasp how he had made me feel until he'd had words such as 'degraded' 'tricked' 'manipulated' shouted at him a few times Blush

For the record I am not jealous, I know he has had sex with a lot other women and I was no virgin when I met him I have other children to prove it I don't care that he had dirty sex I care that he lied to persuade me to do it. I would probably have done it anyway but i don't think that's the point, he led me to believe something that wasn't true and kept up the lie.

I haven't read anymore posts btw I started typing this last night and fell asleep and just came down to press post.

He says he is ashamed etc.

From what he says and of course he was probably telling half truths he treated this girl so badly.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/04/2012 09:08

He says he is ashamed?
Way to tell someone what he thinks they want to hear!
He's not ashamed...he would've carried on with his lie quite happily, had he not been caught out. He has zero shame.

TheLightPassenger · 07/04/2012 09:19

You poor thing, I agree with Warren and Cailin, the degree of lying sounds v creepy and manipulative. Might be worth you having a good long think about whether he's been eroding boundaries in other areas of your life - financial/social etc.

Xales · 07/04/2012 09:36

I totally get why you feel the way you do. The idea makes my skin creep.

It doesn't sound like he did it just the once but quite a lot. He is only telling you he is ashamed because you have caught him out.

Unfortunately it is not so straight forward as to say dump the arsehole as they are now children involved.

Good luck sorting this out.

doctordwt · 07/04/2012 10:01

Yes you should absolutely be upset about this, I'm glad you are, and I'm glad you've had a go at him... not sure that should be the end of it either.

It is an utterly creepy, alarm-bells-ringing way to behave. As others have said, the problem it raises has little to do with sex (although the fact that it is all about sex indicates that he has MAJOR issues about it himself).

He appears to be a pathological liar, about himself and the person he is. It's like building a Walter Mitty persona, isn't it? Yes EVERYONE fibs about sex with new partners, whether it's hinting that you're more or less experienced than your are, or being evasive about details or partners because, well, it's personal and embarrassing sometimes with a new partner.

As Warren and others have said, this is TOTALLY different. He has built an alternative persona with which he conducts his sex life with you. None of your sex life was with the 'real' him. He's devoted time and energy to utterly manipulate and lie to you - fake nervousness, wonder at new experiences - that is quite sick, and NOTHING like the wee fibs that happen around sex in every relationship. Nothing at all.

My worries would be:

a. This guy is capable of utterly pathological lying. He can not only lie, but LIVE a complete lie. He clearly doesn't actually see anything wrong with this. Where does that leave a person in a relationship with him? You simply can't live with that in a positive way - knowing he is capable AND OK WITH lying and fantasising to a pathological degree. It's not normal.

  1. Sexual manipulation, ANY manipulation like this is not good. If he had e.g. maintained throughout this time that he was a bit of a lad in the past and had loads of girlfriends etc., and you'd just found out that actually he hadn't, this would be totally different - insecurity and fear would be at the basis of his behaviour. But he's lied to get your to do what he wants and be what he wants, and in the process risked your sexual health (or taken away from you choices you should be making about your sexual health). That's unforgivable really, and makes his behaviour nasty and pernicious. It's this that would make me SURE that in the future he could and would lie to you about money/infidelity etc. - he seems to think that he's entitled to get what he wants by pulling the wool over your eyes.

At the very least I'd be making all this clear to him and stating that I expected him to look at counselling to explore why he would do this. Because it's NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.

doctordwt · 07/04/2012 10:03

See, there it goes -

'From what he says and of course he was probably telling half truths he treated this girl so badly.'

Yes. You are right! - he's probably telling half truths. Because now you know that he's an abnormal, pathological LIAR.

And nobody can have a god relationship where trust is impossible.

If you are going to stay with him and both of you be happy (and your child) this needs to be sorted out, by HIM.

fuzzpig · 07/04/2012 10:22

God, how creepy. My skin is crawling.

Agree with MNIFW among others - it is the fact he's gone to quite an effort to convince you it's new, rather than just a throwaway fib.

Somehow, the worst one to me is the 'not having an orgasm from a blow job' one. That is such an obvious lie that it is really freaky that he would even try and tell it. Why would anyone do that?!

Original poster
PleaseLeaveGeorge · 07/04/2012 10:22

The more I think about it the angrier I get.

How dare he beg me to let him piss on my face beg me to let him do something that it had never occurred to me to do by saying he had never tried it, was curious, never trusted anyone enough to ask them before, knew he was going to be with me for life so it would be his only chance to try it lying bastard he did it all the time with her and I let myself be convinced to give it a go ewww and then he went on and on about how pleased he was that I had enough trust and confidence in him to do it, how special our relationship must be to be able to experiment together lying piece of shit when all the time he was lying to me Angry

How could he. and that is just the tip of the iceberg

I don't know what I should do or say

OP posts:
MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 07/04/2012 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnhappyLizzie · 07/04/2012 10:56

I think I'm sexually fairly open-minded but I'd never let a man piss on my face, I'd find it really degrading. I know that boundaries are different in an open, trusting ltr than with someone you are less close to. However, you do not have an open, trusting relationship with this guy. He's a liar and the fact that he wants to piss on your face is part of a pattern of treating women with zero respect - his ex-gf who he admits to treating v badly, and you, who he has lied to.

Your partner has no respect for women, you included.