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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:20

Ike. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about.

everlong · 05/04/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:24

Think hard. What do you think I could mean battleship? Go on apply braincell. Lol

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:25

Well you are now apparently 'wasting' your time everlong by trying to undermine others.

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:25

Heplful Ike. I'll assume it was pointless as you can't be bothered to explain.

everlong · 05/04/2012 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:28

I think most people on this thread haven't said this is a crime actually, which is why it's worth pointing out.

Yousank, I don't like your advice either, but I'll just continue to provide my own. It's all you can do on threads like this.

The OP is actually in danger from this man, something that the people minimising what happened, dont' seem to be noticing.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:30

I absolutely do, the point being people will say what they wish and do what they want regardless of others and their opinions, the op included she will take what she wants from this delectable feast of opinions. Good luck to her. She has my regards.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:31

Found that braincell yet battleship??? Errr no. Lol

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:32

Nyac. How could you possibly know that she is in danger? You don't know her or her husband.

Ike, I'm going to have to ignore you I'm afraid from now on because you're just talking jibberish.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:34

Cant be arsed with the raised eyebrow emoticons and FFS I prefer a bit of humour. Anyhoo hopefully the OP will have a back up plan and if all works well no need for it. That my dears would be the ideal world.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:34

Thank goodness for that battleship you might exhaust that braincell!!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 05/04/2012 22:34

I can't believe all the sniping on this thread Hmm

It's pathetic.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:36

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour yousank.

This man attacked the OP so violently he left a hand-shaped bruise on her chest. He's also not sorry, at least in the most important way of accepting responsibility for his behaviour, which would mean he might change or realise he can't do this again. The excuses he's making for himself, show that he is allowing himself certain circumstances where it is OK to physically attack his wife.

Domestic violence very sadly follows a well-trodden path. What the OP is going through has all the hallmarks of it.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:37

Yep mychild certainly that is what I have been saying all day! You just have to use humour to get through it.

everlong · 05/04/2012 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:39

Its very sad that there cannot be a discussion with opposing opinions.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:41

And there are a significant percentage who feel it is fine for the OP to pick and choose what she needs when the time is right for her. Which is why it is absolutely correct that there is a range of opinion represented on this thread.

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:41

Nyac. I appreciate that you are well meaning, but people are all different. Just becuase you have a certain experince doesn't mean everyone else will have the same experience. The OP comes accross as intelligent and I think it respectful to acknowledge that if she thinks her husband is a good man then there is every chance he is. She knows him, lives with him and if she thinks it is worth trying to save her marriage what gives you the right to say it is not.

DinahMoHum · 05/04/2012 22:42

its not supposed to be a debate or people pushing opposing opinions, its supposed to be support for a woman in a difficult situation

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:43

The thing is, if a woman is in such a dangerous situation, it is supporting her to remind her that those options are there and more importantly offer protection.

The police and Women's Aid are there to protect women from violent men. If this happens again, which it is likely to now he has crossed that line, most abusers don't go back, it will be vital that the OP is well aware that those services are there for her.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:44

Absolutely Dinah and she is free to choose whatever support she needs whenever she needs it. Hence it is important that we have an open forum of opinion that is not competitive in flavour.

DashingRedhead · 05/04/2012 22:45

Um nyac, I thought OP said he's apologised many times this evening. If he is remotely worth bothering with, he was probably hugely ashamed of his behaviour before he accepted it. I am not excusing his delay of accepting how badly he's behaved but I don't think that one swallow makes a summer so I agree that OP should give him a second chance. IF SHE WANTS TO.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:45

I haven't got that experience yousank. Not sure where you are getting that from.

This is information that comes from women who have been in those relationships, organisations like Women's Aid and Refuge, the police and other researchers.

I haven't said anything about whether or not the OP should save her marriage. In fact I think if she really wants to save it the police would be the best option, because otherwise this dangerous dysfunctional situation will continue. With the police involved a clear line has been drawn, the OP is protected and her husband can display real remorse and change in his behaviour.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:47

When someone's committed a crime especially a violent one against another person, really the only way to show true remorse and sorrow for it, is to report themselves to the police and let the justice system take its course. Words are pretty cheap, actions not so much.