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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
ike1 · 05/04/2012 20:12

Yes that's how you see it Everlong and others are entitled to advise differently without being harangued or FFSed.

DowagersHump · 05/04/2012 20:16

So that's a yes then.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 20:20

Its a yes to what Dowager?

everlong · 05/04/2012 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 20:21

Im intrigued why have you named yourself Dowager's Hump btw

ike1 · 05/04/2012 20:25

Aha Y'know I think we need to specify who we are addressing its getting so confusing re questions. Still intrigued about the name tho Dowager if you are happy to reveal.

DowagersHump · 05/04/2012 20:35

everlong - but (in my crappy analogy) you're saying that she should accept another lift if that's what she wants to do.

The beauty (or curse) of the internet is that we only ever have what people write. And so all I'm going on is what the OP has written, same as you are. If her DH had come home in the morning, full of contrition, begging forgiveness, then I would accept that. I do accept that people can fuck up sometimes and take out rage/impotence (I don't mean that in a sexual way) on their nearest and dearest when it has nothing to do with them. It's not the act itself so much as what has (or hasn't) happened afterwards that concerns me.

Anyway, as you say, this wrangling back and forth is probably not helping the OP but I think it's important for her not to brush this under the carpet and be very clear about what she expects from her DH in terms of putting this right - others have made good suggestions.

ike1 - I namechanged recently and that popped into my head. I'm quite old and have the hump a fair bit :o

everlong · 05/04/2012 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
namechangeforthis100 · 05/04/2012 20:46

Eurostar - a glass of wine has been my saviour from long days with dd thinking about my mc... Or spending time with pregnant friends... Not from DH.

He's been amazing tonight. Come home. Apologised again and again, taken care of DD. sorting dinner, brought presents (silly ones, things I've been saying we need)

It feels like a step in the right direction, it feels like four days ago....

He is going to go to the gp Tuesday if he can get an appointment... He recognises that he might need some help and that so much change in his life has upset and depressed him.

I've tried not to talk too much about it tonight, Easter weekend involves a lot of occasions and activities with friends and family and I just want to feel like normal again :)

OP posts:
everlong · 05/04/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingCoconuts · 05/04/2012 20:54

lots of hugs going your way, op.

Be kind to yourself xx

Jux · 05/04/2012 20:55

He should be able to get an emergency appt on Tues; prob not with yr normal gp though, but any doc would do.

He's going in the right direction. Have a good w/e.

Lueji · 05/04/2012 20:56

After reading OP's update, I share concerns that others have expressed.

It is well possible that he is on a low and this was a one off. However, he should actively be looking for support other than his wife. You are not a therapist. You are a wife and you need his support too, particularly now.

What he said about tonight doesn't sit that well either. Perhaps because of my experience of what ex did, yes, but that's why sharing experiences is useful. All about him and his issues and then big (empty) gestures, but very little concern for me.

Regardless of what is happening to him, physical violence, particularly like this should not happen and you should definitely leave him if this ever happens again.
Mind you there is the danger of you walking on eggshells to avoid him becoming this violent, which would mean that it would not be him being good, but you "managing his moods". :(
Indeed he wasn't violent around his friends, or even when your DD was awake. We was only when he was alone with you. That means that he was indeed in control of his actions.

OP, like you I didn't leave ex when he first attacked me. I truly believe that people deserve a second chance. And having only left after the second time made me more confident that leaving was the right thing to do.

I would advise you, though, that you tell him and yourself that a second time would mean the end of the relationship. And stick to it, if it ever happens, whenever that is.
Or at the very least being apart until he sorts himself out.

Some men seem to not be able to deal with suffering by his loved ones, and their own, very well. It could be possible that his actions were an unconscious way of diverting from that pain. BUT, even if that is the case, such behaviour needs to be addressed because the last thing you need is to have a repeat.

I hope that you keep talking, properly, and reach a solution that works for both of you and the happiness of your family.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2012 20:57

Am really glad that he's doing some proper apologising. A note of caution - he might think this draws a line under what happened and you might not, later on, as you process the last few days a bit more. Don't feel you can't talk more about how you feel because of how he is feeling.

I wish you the very best and really hope that everything works out as you want it to x

everlong · 05/04/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji · 05/04/2012 20:58

ups, crossed posts.

Good that it feels better today. I hope he carries through.

Most of what I wrote still stands.

Be safe, be strong and be happy. :)

PullUpAPew · 05/04/2012 20:59

Namechange Thank you for updating the thread.

I said right at the start that if your husband tried to minimise what he did even a fraction, it would be a huge warning sign that all may not be well.

I think the fact your husband seems more focused on what 'caused' the incident than his own part in the incident is what worries me most. I was worried yesterday when you said about the texts focusing on the 'teasing' and I am still worried.

I don't know your husband and I can't predict the future but I know two things to be true - many men who have been amazing can be violent towards their wives and all violent relationships started with a first incident.

Be very wary if he makes a 'grand gesture' to apologise, but fails to seek help to repair whatever is wrong with him. And if he ever does anything like this again, please take it extremely seriously.

Take care x

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 21:04

OP I'm so pleased for you that things seem to be moving in the right direction. Try to ignore the people who have brought their own baggage to this thread and concentrate on your own situation. I hope you can have some rest from all the stress this weekend and take care of yourself.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 21:55

I hope the police hear about this at some point.

It makes me sad that so many people are ignoring that the OP had a violent crime committed against her.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:14

Ok but keep that little stash of money for you and DD at the back of your mind and actively in a savings account.

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:14

Nyac are you on some kind of commission from the police?

How many times does OP need to say to you that she does not want to involve the police before you give upon this?

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:16

Being a practical person, I am better able to rationalise another person's point of view if I have my independence. You get me? If you get bullshit you know you dont have to listen if you have a back up plan.

Nyac · 05/04/2012 22:16

Do you have a problem with me pointing out that this was a crime yousank?

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 22:19

I have a problem with you repeating the same advice you have given before when the OP has already said that is not what she wants.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 22:19

Yousank its pointless worrying about other posts, for goodness sake, this is a free country!