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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had the biggest fight with DH... he hit me, I hit him...

682 replies

namechangeforthis100 · 04/04/2012 00:57

I've spent the whole of yesterday at the hospital... quite a long time after a miscarriage it turns out (joy) I've got an infection. I'm in agony. I feel shit. All my friends are pregnant.. I'm just having a very shit time.

I decided to get stuff organised.. sort of nights out etc to keep us busy and tonight we went out with about 10 of our best friends for a meal (a lot are shift workers from our hey day hence the tuesday random night)...

I have been in quite a lot of pain and on painkillers... but was without and just slowly drinking wine this evening.. The night went great and we all agreed to meet again next week.

We got in the car (DH driving) and she started to go MAD. Apparently during a conversation I had dictated when he could go out and come back (with an old friend) and I hadn't! I know the conversation he's talking about. They were taking the piss saying I would and I was laughing... but I didn't say a word. And all the home he called me vile, drunk, a bitch etc.. (with our daughter in the back of the car who we just picked up from a sitter to bring home.)

We got in, put DD to bed and it escalated. He screamed at me, I proclaimed innocence, He pushed me, I tried to kick him. We ended up having a full out physical fight.

He left. I wrenched the keys out his hand and he stepped out the door.

I locked it.
Jesus christ.

What do I do now?? I'm already in pain. (now more. Have a perfect hand bruise on my chest.)

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 17:18

Yes Mcmooncup, I'm sure she's prefectly ok after being called a Stepford Wife simply for showing some love and forgiveness to her husband. Nice!

mcmooncup · 05/04/2012 17:27

It's a little twisted that response yousank.

The whole point is that she deserves more than to have to put aside all her needs (including an apology) to offer unconditional love to her DH. She has done nothing wrong. He has. And needs to take responsibility for this, whether he is depressed or not. She actually deserves better. Do you get that Sunk? She deserves better. And she deserves an apology at the very least. An unconditional apology at that.

yousankmybattleship · 05/04/2012 17:39

What I "get" mcmoon is that the OP comes accross as an intelligent woman who doesn't need her choices to be belittled by you. Comparing her to a Stepford wife is insulting. Who are you to tell her how her husband should apologise to her?
Maybe she needs to be the "amazing" one in their marriage at the moment. Her willingness to show forgiveness is something to be admired in my book. Hopefully if they can get past these problems her husband will get back to being himself and be able to give her the love and support she needs. She obviously sees enough good in him to think it is wirth trying and who are any of us to judge. We don't know them.

Heyyyho · 05/04/2012 18:09

Good grief what a depressing thread. Read from the start Sad

I really hope this is the last time you feel like this OP. Something tells me this is the phase of walking on eggshells for you.

Truly hope I'm wrong.

everlong · 05/04/2012 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmooncup · 05/04/2012 18:31

You don't make sense everlong.

It is the exact opposite of being disrespectful. Certainly not pathetic to want that the OP doesn't just forgive and forget so serious an incident that left a hand shaped bruise on her chest.

EggyFucker · 05/04/2012 18:32

So

Op now has to be fearful when they socialise with friends in case they take the piss out of her H, because she will get punished for it

she has to overlook that he has blamed her for his violence every step of the way

she has to swallow her disquiet about how he acted after the event, and accept his rubbish "explanations" for how a supposedly loving partner and father acts

she has to get over her miscarriage very quickly indeed because it might make him angry again

yep

it's been a Good Day for domestic abusers and their champions, yes indeedy

Heyyyho · 05/04/2012 18:35

So agree with Eggy Sad

Xales · 05/04/2012 18:36

Hi OP

Sorry you are going though this it sounds like a massive shock.

It is good that you have had the chat that is the first step.

I hope for your sake that this was a one off and he will do all that is needed to get sorted. If not please make sure that it never happens again. Another fight like this and your marriage is a disaster and you and your DD need out.

Now it is up to him to take action. If he is serious that he regrets what he has done and realises how wrong he was then he will be serious about heading off to the doctor and getting himself the help he needs. You cannot do this for him it is like leading a horse to water V making it drink. He now has to be the one to commit and do this for your future.

If it is all just talk then you have to be prepared that he doesn't really mean what he says.

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 05/04/2012 18:49

Hello all
Just a reminder of our talk guidelines - Our raison d'être is to make parents' lives easier by pooling and sharing advice and support. We ask members to respect each other's opinions even if they don't agree with them.
Thanks
MN Towers

AbigailAdams · 05/04/2012 19:01

Yep Eggy, that sums it up.

OP I hope you are doing OK. I think, regardless of viewpoints, most of the posters are worried about you and for you.

everlong · 05/04/2012 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ike1 · 05/04/2012 19:06

Hey Migrating no need to apologise - all's kool have a nice evening x

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 05/04/2012 19:17

If a woman wants to stay with a man who has hit her, that is her choice. People can still point out to her the likelihood of what is going on without telling her she needs to leave/is an idiot, etc etc. Pretending all is fine is helping the OP less than pointing out the reality of the situation.

DinahMoHum · 05/04/2012 19:19

good luck OP, I hope you two can work it out.

I really hope it was a one off, and i think he could do with being more remorseful and i hope his group of friends will realise how their "banter" has damaged you both

MigratingCoconuts · 05/04/2012 19:26

I was unaware that I had apologised, or indeed said anything that required an apology!!

but I do wish you a nice evening too Smile

DowagersHump · 05/04/2012 19:42

everlong - would you have a word with someone who was about to get in a car with someone who'd drunk five pints behind the wheel? Or would you say that it was their choice?

Obviously, they may not have a crash and their passenger may get home in one piece. But if they don't, it's very likely that they will drive drunk again. And again and again until they have an accident and/or get stopped.

Of course, they may well realise the error of their ways the following morning and throw their car keys down the drain the moment they realise that they've had a few too many.

You're assuming the latter course of action, other people are thinking that the evidence of how drink drivers generally behaves shows that they are very likely to do it again. Given that, they're not going to be urging the passenger to accept another lift. Would you?

ike1 · 05/04/2012 19:51

Hey Migrating your right there, it was amillion that didnt need to aplologise lol!! these pesky kids keep getting in the way of my MNing with their stretchy lizards damn!!

ike1 · 05/04/2012 19:52

Still wish u good ladies a nice evening tho!

MigratingCoconuts · 05/04/2012 19:53

Grin sounds just like here!!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/04/2012 19:55

Evening Namechanger :) I wish I knew you and your DH in real life. I can see both sides of this 'arguement' and I don't know which is 'right'.

I really hope that you and your DH can work through this and that it will all be good - but I also hope that you will be able to take a step back and see it for what it is, if it's not right.

What he did was well out of line - does he actually, really understand that?

I think you have a lot more talking to do (whether he likes it or not). You wont be able to feel better about this until you do, even then you may not... and that is your right.

Please, ignore all the arguing and keep posting - every one means well x

ike1 · 05/04/2012 19:55

I know, the bleeders, dont they know whats really important????

DinahMoHum · 05/04/2012 19:55

it is entirely possible that its a one off.
Its not beyond any of us to lose it at some point

everlong · 05/04/2012 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eurostar · 05/04/2012 20:00

I find it worrying OP that your last long post is all about what your DH needs and how you must get him to the Doctor while you casually say that a glass of wine at night has become your saviour. Please make it your priority to get yourself to the GP or to a private therapist who will help you find healthier ways to destress and deal with your feelings than with glasses of wine. Your DH is an adult and has the number of the GP. He is not in such a deep depression that he can't pick up the phone to make an appointment. It is important he does this as he wouldn't benefit from any therapy or anger management if he is there because you booked him in rather than he actively sought it out himself.