Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

[Mrsgorgeous]

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

I know what five means though OP. The man that comes through from your posts is a weak, addictive personality who always seems to need someone or something to prop him up, whereas you sound independent, strong and assertive, notwothstanding that you are in a great deal of pain right now.

I wonder whether because the thread got hijacked a bit by some sanctimoniousness, some of the story hasn't been expressed here?

It's a good thing after the shock has worn off to review your marriage rationally. It might be that you had a somewhat illusory internal 'script' of your marriage that got stuck when you became ill and had to rely on him?

I'm not saying that your husband did this because he was dissatisfied in the marriage because men having a first affair in a long marriage are rarely unhappy at home and it's just about opportunity and not much else. But I do wonder whether you've 'carried' the marriage to a great extent? Were you the driving force and the one who took more responsibility for the overall health of the relationship? If there were problems, were you the one who would always raise issues, not him?

I think his former alcoholism is significant. It represents another 'escape' mechanism and is indicative of someone who is too weak to deal with real life and needs a crutch to prop him up. It is also an addiction and a secret affair fulfils the same function; the addiction is what keeps it going, rather than genuine love for the other person or ominously - love for himself. But this is why affairs are always about the individual - this is about him and his inability to function without an addiction and a life prop.

I also get the sense that even if he deeply regrets what he has done, he knows he's too weak to be on his own and because he thinks he's lost you for good, he'll keep things ticking over with the other woman. Partly because he's too cowardly to tell her the truth and partly because he fears being left with no-one.

To the outside world and even in your head, this looked like an equal relationship where you nurtured eachother in equal measure. You might even have looked like the one who had more power in the relationship. Delve a bit deeper though and you might discover that the power was actually invested in him because you were the one who generally gave more to the relationship and he always knew that you would be the one who would take more responsibility. So it allowed him to sit back and invest less.

OMG Hatty...that has got me thinking. He has always been a strong character, respected by others and popular. But saying that , it was me who took charge of all the household bills and decisions. He gave me the rent and shopping money and would pay for large items and the car tax/service but it was me that dealt with it all.
It has been nearly 15 years since he stopped drinking. He was given the choice between that and his family and tbh he would have been dead by now. When I got diagnosed with cancer he stood by me and cared for all his family including my elderly Mum who was living with us.
Just recently I had been beginning to rely on him more because he would take charge of a situation which was good. But I did also comment that he had nothing in place like a pension or life insurance so that if anything happened to him we would have some security. Whereas I had all mine mapped out,pension insurance etc .
When I think about our house and how I said yesterday it is looking all sparkly,it's because my daughter and I have worked hard clearing all his clutter ,decorating and doing simple jobs that had never been done. I would have and should have done these things before but he would say that it wasn't done right and that I should leave it to him and then it would be left
I don't know, I'm so confused,have been upset all morning because I don't know who this person is or maybe it's because I loved him so much I only saw what I wanted to see?

Yes because doing necessary 'grown-up' things like odd jobs, sorting out a pension and life insurance are boring to an addictive personality because there's no 'hit' from those things. I'd imagine the concept of delayed pleasure is anathema to your exH so while he'd procrastinate like mad about the dull but necessary, he never felt he had to 'earn' his day in the sun and would take very little persuasion to put his own pleasure first. The concept of delayed pleasure is one of the foundations of emotional intelligence and it doesn't sound as though your husband is big on that.

You were strong and in the 'parent' role when he was an alcoholic and it was your tough love and uncompromising stance that pulled him out of it. I expect that script got stuck with him too? When you were ill and he had to be more adult, what crutches did he use then out of interest? The thing about addicts is that they will often replace one addiction with another. That might be another self-harming thing like smoking, gambling, drugs, porn or illicit sex - or it could be a consuming hobby or series of them. Addicts are by necessity selfish and self-absorbed too.

"Don't lash out at the OW, it isn't her fault."

This is incorrect because it is mixing up two things: whilst it is correct that women often blame OW in order not to feel rage at the person they should be focussing on, this does NOT make an affair 'not her fault'.

1. Affairs are triangles which men use to lower the connection with the person they have issues with, and to divert their energies not into mature efforts to resolve the problem but into 'feeling good'. (Quite frankly OWs are unbelievably stupid to fall for it and to allow themselves to be used in this way, but that is just my opinion). In the triangle are THREE people. The husband and OW who know exactly what is going on and what they are doing, and the wife, who not only does't know but who is also being blamed by the other two to justify what they are doing.

1. The OW is responsible. She is responsible for: encouraging and making herself available to someone she knows is not available, who has moral legal and emotional obligations to someone else, for making it easy for him to run away from his problems and for helping him dehumanise his wife and children, excuse and justify his choices. No matter who seduced who. She is also making wrong, selfish and immature choices and helping cause a tremendous amount of pain.

This is what she is responsible for. Nothing more and certainly nothing else.

Well said, Hatty!

Abit, good description of OW! and this person who dehumanises his children then doesn't want the Wicked Step Mother Title!

So that explains why after stopping drinking and packing up smoking a few years ago he began to buy DVD's (3 cabinets full) and then CD's ( lorry loads)? And when he couldn't buy anymore to fill this addiction, madam whore and her need for a shoulder to cry on became his new addiction? Could that explain it? Did she flatter him and he saw her as a new challenge and so pursued her?

Yes, and his and her new addiction may be destroying you if you are unlucky , you will become the evil wife even more so now, so have as little as possible to do with him.

Yes that completely explains it. I wouldn't mind betting he has a porn habit too.

The thing about an addict is that they are not addicted to the thing or the substance itself - and in the case of an affair, not the woman herself. They are addicted to the feelings it/she induces in them. It is very self-centric and is why it is not love. However, this shouldn't make you feel any better about him as an individual just because he is using another person as his 'fix' because that is actually a worse characteristic in a human being. If he was in love with the other woman, that would be horribly painful still but presumably anyone objective can identify with that and empathise. Far more difficult to empathise and understand the person who uses another person for his own ends, but of course that is her problem and not yours.

What a brilliant post by abit, spot on. I am also in the "OW is also responsible" camp, quite shocked by those initial posts trying to put the OP down but I guess that's what MN is like sometimes.

He's on his way round again to pick up more stuff...asking why am I being no nasty. Blasted cheek!
I said it has you that has been so nasty, all what you have done , the lies you have told but you know what? I don't think he sees it like that !
I said you decided to walk out, you made that decision to go and sleep with someone else and now all your things need to go too

Projection! don't engage in conversations leave him to recycle sweeney todd! Next time he wants to come over, make it not suitable to you, give no reason!

You may find this article interesting/useful - it helped me make sense of some things.

Best wishes and be kind to yourself and FWIW I blame the OW in my case as much as my DH - she knew he was married with 4DCs .

Thank you Hatty, that is exactly what I was thinking, and was a bit brief because I think my threads are getting so long they must be boring people!

OP, well done. And good progress.

I am thinking about this stuff myself because I have married one too, of sorts!

Not good....I am a blabbering idiot....feel really foolish
He said that it's happened and although he realises it shouldn't it did. He said that I have changed over the last year and that he didn't love what I had become. But then he said that he hadn't wanted our marriage to end either because of buying a new bathroom and a new cooker etc for the kitchen and planning our holidays.
None of it makes sense. I said that I could never get over the fact that he had been with someone else and he said that if he ever came back I would always throw it in his face.
I smashed the 3ft sailing boat I bought him from Mauritius ..stupid stupid stupid
Why have I behaved so idiotic today ...oh and I slapped him, silly stupid woman that I am

You are well ride of that money orientated projection unit. He may report you for assault when ow hears of the slap and they are dehumanising you later!

You've been under a lot of strain - I don't think it's the end of the world that you slapped him. Hard not to get involved in an emotional argument, but better for you, in future if you can remain dispassionate.

I don't understand why he even thinks it's a possibility that he can come back - like it's his choice or something.

In future dealings with him, make clear that coming back is not an option - he's burned his bridges now. Has he taken all his stuff? If not, put the rest in bin bags and give him a date to collect or it goes to the tip.

If he does go the police about the slap, then I'd deny it. It will be your word against his.

He may also use the emails to her work as evidence of you harrassing them, be carefull from now on.

No he doesn't think it's possible to come back. He says I will always throw it in his face ,which I will. I also know that I could never sleep with him again after hknowing he has been with someone else.. He did say ihe was sorry
He did cry and say that he wishes he could still be with me and the children

And he will be crying to ow later telling her how horrible you are keeping him from his dc and how you are using his new bathroom etc... crying into her arms like the victim he thinks he is, when in reality you and dc are the victims and have to live with his mess!

Oh and that's another thing. I asked him if he was still seeing her and he said only for a drink now and then.

He sounds a bit divorced form reality tbh, if he thinks you will believe that old bollocks.

i don't believe for a second that he's only seeing her now and then.

he said that because he wants to be the "good guy". classic stuff.

rest assured he's playing out a complementary script with the OW.... "oh no, we can't be together, the guilt the guilt, ok one drink, oh my look at that, we've shagged again" x 3 per week.

keeps it intense and emotional and fantasy-like for both of them.

once the emotions wear off, his life is going to look extremely grim. and that's what he deserves frankly.

sadly people like this tend to lurch from one crisis to the next in an attempt to avoid reality indefinitely... as long as he can pick up new tarts to get tangled up with, he may never see the error of his ways.

He sent me a text:
While you're in the holy land I'll pray that you'll be cured of your bitterness!
....nice