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Original poster

Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

248 replies

Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 21:49

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

OP posts:
Dippy001 · 30/03/2012 22:50

OP I would have done the same and don't really understand why the first reaction to your post is about the emails. Where is the support MNers? So sorry you are married to such a bastard, you are better off without him.

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:51

He has been twice to pick up his things and was close to tears when he left.he just stood staring at me fo what seemed like ages and I didn't know what to do or say because it was like looking back at a stranger .
I said that one day maybe his children would forgive him and he said " and you
?"
His brother told me that he thought he was living at his Mums but he was still seeing her.
I don't want to wreck anyone's life, neither do I want mine or my children's lives wrecked either

OP posts:
rhondajean · 30/03/2012 22:51

Mrsg you are right in a way, but what people are trying to do is make you direct your thoughts towards your husband. He is the one who had a marriage contract with you. He is the one who cheated on you and broke those vows.

Him and your feelings towards him and or tick aspects of how you end your marraige are what you need to deal with now. Lots of women on here will have great asps ice for you. Look through other threads. But the first thing you need to do is work out that you should be directing this anger towards him and then how you move forwards.

There is a saying on here...this too will pass...I promise one day you will feel better. People here can help you make it from now to then.

rhondajean · 30/03/2012 22:53

Sorry autocorrect there, it should read or practical aspects not tick aspects.

rhondajean · 30/03/2012 22:54

Argh! Advice! Not asps ice,

Jennylee · 30/03/2012 22:56

I hope you have family to help get you through this , it must have been such a horrible shock . The ow will be fine , she hasn't lost anything. Op you will be okay you were upset so I can see why you would do that, better to be angry than sad and walked over . Yes it was your husbands fault but who would think rationally after reading emails like that Angry. He should have told you and not lied when asked outright, he must have wanted to keep both of you

OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:56

Do you think you could talk to him why he had an affair?

What do you want now?

Rhinosaurus · 30/03/2012 22:57

Yes agreed her husband is at fault, but her knee jerk reaction was to strike out at the OW, and nobody can say they would be thinking rationally in the same situation, and focus all their resentment on one party.

It is obvious from the posts all the parties know each other, how else would the op know where she worked?

What I am saying is that there are better ways of getting the "don't forget it's the husbands fault too" point across than calling someone who is obviously in shock malicious and vengeful.

HotBurrito1 · 30/03/2012 22:57

Op you were clearly hurting when you lashed out by posting the emails. I too am surprised this is being taken by some as more significant than his affair FFS.
I wish you well op in your future. I think life will get better eventually without this liar in your life.

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:01

I want to rewind the clock....I want my husband and my life back....I want a future. ....
I can never rewind the clock,I will never have my husband back,at some point I will have a future,I have to for my children's sake.
But right now I feel shattered. I can't believe that my marriage is over,no one can and that's why I asked, is it a mid life crisis? Will he realise what he's done? Will he care? I can't believe that he's turned into this stranger

OP posts:
oikopolis · 30/03/2012 23:01

Mrsgorgeous it sounds very confusing and painful Sad

it does sound like he's going to try to manipulate you a bit so he can feel like the "good guy" again. just be careful of that. don't let him do that... he's the one who set this whole mess in motion.

he wants to have his cake and eat it... or at least... he wants you to still love him, while he still goes on with his fancy woman... pathetic really.

how are the children taking it?

oikopolis · 30/03/2012 23:02

OP... I think he is just an idiot.

you should really take a look at that Shirley Glass book I linked to. it will give you insight into how he's justifying this whole thing in his mind

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:05

I only know that she worked with him because some of her emails came from her work email address. He worked at the same place and so the emails had the same address within them

OP posts:
joblot · 30/03/2012 23:06

Do you really want someone who you dont know and who treats you like shit? Hard in the early stages but planning the next stage of your life will happen soon and will be good.

Dippy001 · 30/03/2012 23:07

It sounds like you are hoping he will care and you will get your life back? If you want him back then that's it, it's your marriage. Can you ever trust him though? I honestly don't know what I would do if it happened to me. So sorry, it must be incredibly painful.

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:09

No I don't want him back because I realise that I could never trust him again and that I would never be happy. That's what makes it so painful because I didnt see it coming until it was too late

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:11

Oikopolis I will have a look at that book, thank you

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 30/03/2012 23:11

He's an eejit. Yes, you shouldn't have shared the emails, but I don't reckon there's many of us who wouldn't have done something similar in the heat of the moment

oikopolis · 30/03/2012 23:11

Mrsgorgeous i know it's painful now, but i promise you, it will get better x
i'm so sorry this has happened to you. just hold on. you only need to get through one day at a time.

you did the natural thing trusting your H. you should have been able to do so. it's such a pity he took advantage of that Sad

romneymarsh · 30/03/2012 23:11

MrsG can totally understand why your did send the email, I would have probably done something very similar if I had had the ammunition at the time. This is going to be really hard to get through but you will do it one day at a time, its taken me 18months to get to a really good place and I really did think I would never get here.

You will get plenty of excellent support, I did and have made some amazing friends who have supported me through the hardest time of my life from mumsnet.

I dont think some people realise the total devastation of finding out about the deceit and lies that affairs cause and actually makes you do things that would normally be out of character, you have enough to worry about without anyone making you feel bad about the email.

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:17

I don't understand why he was still planning things for our future if he didnt want to be with me. Or why knowing that he had been in bed with her all day he stood there and said that he couldn't believe that I had accused him of having an affair and how that had cut him in half

OP posts:
CleopatrasAsp · 30/03/2012 23:19

I don't understand why some of the posters have been so unpleasant to the OP about the emails. Whilst it's regrettable that she sent them to the OW's boss (and I am in total agreement that her ire should be directed towards her husband rather than the OW) the truth is that if you play with fire you are likely to get burnt. OW behaved appallingly and MrsG gave back with both barrels. In retrospect it would have been better to be more dignified but MrsG was in shock and hurt and so lashed out. Surely it isn't right to harangue her about this and try and make her feel bad - she is clearly feeling quite bad enough.

MrsG, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your H is a nasty cheating scumbag and you didn't deserve this treatment. He will probably regret it in the long run and come crawling back - they usually do. I hope you will have found the strength to give him the bum's rush when he does. Keep posting on here and take no notice of holier-than-thou types that have seemingly never done something in anger and frustration and think we should be fair to everyone - even those who haven't been fair to us!

oikopolis · 30/03/2012 23:23

I don't understand why he was still planning things for our future if he didnt want to be with me.

he probably wouldn't have left you for her... he probably wanted to keep the fancy woman on the side as a thrill and a diversion, but have you (the one who knows how to take care of him, who is undemanding and safe) on the front burner at all times.

it's hard to accept... but it's just pure pure selfishness. having his cake and eating it.

Or why knowing that he had been in bed with her all day he stood there and said that he couldn't believe that I had accused him of having an affair and how that had cut him in half

this bit is just following the normal script of an affair. he wanted to destabilize you so you wouldn't question him, and thereby possibly spoil his fun.

Original poster
Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 23:28

Just to reiterate, the emails were posted on my fb page which can only be viewed by my friends at about 2 am that morning. I was tired, my daughter was distraught and had been sick and I had just read things that no wife would want to read.
He had been so unkind to my daughter who doted on her Dad. He had hung up the phone on her when she had asked him where he was thinking that after 14 years he had started to drink again.(she is 19).
My Son (21) was in bits.

OP posts:
BrightnessFalls · 30/03/2012 23:36

Please be carefull when posting things on Facebook, the security is never as tight as you think it is. Did your children see the emails?

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