Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

[Mrsgorgeous]

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

I wouldn't worry yourself with guilt about the other woman. I wish the earlier poster had not spoken for all on this site, I personally couldn't give a flying fuck about ow's feelings, they willingly get into a relationship with married men, you did far less to her than she has to you, I hope it made you feel better. I would leave it at that now.

I think you are wise to let the marriage go, her reward is the man she has, he won't be the trouble free young man you had, he will be an old washed up, angry cheat.

You need time to recover as a family and one day soon you will be happy, the healthiest way forward is to have a few confidence boosting dates and then to spend some time single, recover, take as long as you need.

It wasn't your fault either, cheats love to not take the blame for their bad behaviour.

Posters should never underestimate the effects of shock. It catches people very differently. Some people are immobilised by it, some feel energised by it and it's very common to feel incredible anger. I expect because you felt utterly powerless OP, you simply felt you had to do something with all that energy and anger. It could have been worse. And it's hardly the main issue, so don't waste any more of your posts defending yourself. If the OW's got any sense, she'll take the blow....

It might be a midlife crisis, or it might be that his fidelity had never been tested before and it was a new exciting experience that he'd have accepted at any time. Sometimes calling it a midlife crisis is a false trail. It's assumed that just because a long-married man in his forties or fifties has an affair, it's connected to a yearning for lost youth, but it isn't always the case. Invariably with men in this category, it's just the fatal combination of opportunity + low risk of being found out.

If you know without doubt you could never get past this, then that's a good thing because it will help you move on and heal much more quickly, but I would advise you that decisions taken while in shock are rarely sound and you should give yourself some breathing space before making anything final - one way or the other.

I'd second oikopolis about why he was still giving the appearance of being committed to your marriage. That's because he was committed to it and didn't want his marriage to end. He's in shock too now, which is why it took him ages to face you and is why he couldn't even talk to your DD on the phone. He never thought he'd get found out and in the cold light of discovery, he cannot believe it's come to this. Right now though his tears are for himself and not you or the kids. Right now the OW is the only one who is in his corner and because he's a weak man, he's reaching out for what is the only source of comfort. If she was pinning her hopes on him, she will be laying the sympathy on with a trowel and unfortunately adding to the picture of you as a vengeful harridan.

Deep down her greatest fear is that your husband will grow a spine and admit that he was using her to prop up his esteem, but never wanted to lose his marriage. If he has got any character, he will be honest with her and apologise for leading her to believe she was more special to him than she is, but he will end the relationship completely regardless of your decisions.

All you can do is tell him it's over and watch what he does. If he ends it with her and fights like mad to get you back, he might be worth listening to and it might even be possible to start a new relationship, a long time down the line. If he takes the line of least resistance and stays with her, then in many ways that's the easiest route for you too. You'll know that he will remain a weak man and not worthy of you.

((((Gentle HUGS))) to you OP

Thank you for your comments. I don't know which bit is the worst,remembering all the late night text messages he was getting,the blatant lies or the fact that he didn't just walk away if he didn't want to stay.
A couple of weeks before all this he did say he needed space and I said that if there was a problem he should stay and sort it out rather than go and have to come back and face it after a week or so. He stayed and things seemed ok. I even asked him if we were alright and he said yes.
I forgot to say that my eldest daughter texted him but he hasn't answered her either only to wish her a curt Happy Birthday.
He told me that he lost his job at the place he worked because of me,but that wasn't true. It had been decided by his boss that it would be his last week there and that he would be working elsewhere for a couple of months. There was even a leaving do arranged prior to all this which I knew nothing about.
It's as if he had two separate lives and I can't come to terms with that because we had always been so close.

I think you need to take some of the control back.

You say that you could never trust him again, and don't want.him back. Tell him that.

See a solicitor and find out what your options are. Are you working? Do you have finances in place? (you say the children are grown up so I presume you don't need child support)

You will be grieving for your marriage AnD the man you thought he was, but can you look to the future and think what you want for yourself in 6, 12 or 18 months time.

I did see a solicitor who gave me some good advice re getting a divorce and the options I have.
Yes I do work full time but the household budget was tight and included his earnings too. That is difficult because I would rather not be reliant on his financial help.
My daughter only has a part time job at the moment so doesn't bring in that much money and my son is an actor and so his pay is irregular although he does have a weekend job.
I have changed the beneficiaries on my pension and removed him from my tenancy and have my children as named tenants in case anything should happen to me.
I have been to a sexual health clinic too something I thought I would never have to do at my age but my friends said I should go.
Most of his belongings are out of the house now with only a few personal bits like books and things remaining.
It has all happened so fast.
Oh and I forgot to say that he did ring my son last week to ask him if he was ok and had I calmed down! -cheek

I don't get all the dont blame the ow it's not her fault.

In my view it is 50% her fault so tough shit if her boss found out how she likes to give it or whatever were in the emails. You owe her nothing.

When my exw had an affair, the man knew she was married, was in a position of power and used it so how can he not be equally to blame?

You know what OP the grief you are getting for not protecting the OW are taking it too far!

If more women who had been cheated on stood up for themselves in this way, then the skanks and manwhores may think twice about doing what they do. The OW always seem to "get away with it", there is no comeback.

He is a moron and a twat he is the one responsible, but she had a part to play, she knew he was married, if she expected no comeback she was also stupid.

If it happened to me, I probably wouldn't have gone quite as far as you did, but they certainly wouldn't go untold.

You posted on Facebook and to her headteacher? good for you. He's treating op like crap, lying to her & the children yet she's in the wrong? He should've thought about that I the ow wasn't concerned about other peoples feelings.

No and she split with her partner last year twice and now he has the kids? Doesn't sound right to me.
I don't know her but I do know people who do and they say that she is not a very nice person. She is rude to children at school and unsympathetic. This has come from different sources. This makes it odd because my husband is popular and wouldn't have any truck with someone if they were horrid.
Maybe he was her shoulder to cry on when her relationship broke down , I don't know

Maybe her husband and children found out about their affair? Depending on how old the children are, it's not unusual at all these days for older children to elect to stay with their father especially if an affair is involved. You don't seem to know how long the affair has been going on, but perhaps it pre-dates her split?

The OW's quality as far as your husband is concerned is she likes him. Weak people tend to like people that like them and don't have any discernment about whether that person is likeable themselves, so what you say doesn't surprise me at all.

Mrsg, I agree take the focus off the OW. However, I second all of what Hattie says- people in shock do things they normally wouldnt.

I wont ever forgive myself that when I finally realised my h had been cheating for 5 years and using the kids against me, that when I came downstairs crying at midnight and bumped into my 15 year old unexpectedly, and she asked what was going on, I said something like oh ask dad and his OW. Obviously wrong and stupid, but there it is. People who judge us for this sort of thing when in shock, and it is out of character, simply havnt been there, and may yet.

You must feel awful that he made you out to be the problem before you knew. Sadly they very often do- stay here for a few weeks, you will see the pattern on other posters threads re their cheating h's.

I think that if you think back, you will see other behaviours of his which help explain this. The past alcoholism, for example, is a key one- he is a man with low self esteem who basically could never face himself, and both his affair and current self pitying behaviour are explicable in this context.

My h was sexually and work compulsive (just other addictions) with an alcoholic father, so I know where you are coming from.

Poor you.

I don't think that the physical side of heir relationship started until this year because attached to her last email was a questionnaire for him to complete (pure filth) asking him , what was the special date in January, describe fully, use another sheet of paper if necessary,
She had been emailing him since last May but all these that I read we're innocuous and work related.
It was this year that his behaviour changed

When did they first start working together?

You have my symapthies.
I'm 7 months on from stbx leaving to be with his mistress and their child.

I understand all the mad thoughts and memoriers you've got, it's like your head is trying to make sense of it all at present.
Eventually I realised that I was never going to get definitive answers to my questions or to work out how stbx lead a double life under my nose with no-one else knowing.

I have accepted that it happened, I don't like and I didn't want it BUT I am having a great single life with DD.
I've redecorated the house and am absolutely moving on.

I am actually glad he went.
I know that my life now is much less complicated and stressy.

He has been a complete shit at times but is regularly seeing DD.
I have regained my power and do not stand for any nonsense from him.
It's been a liberating experience after 28 years of being in a relationship with him.

Mrs g big hug from me.I dont know how i would have reacted to finding out if it was me but whatever happens now be as strong as you can and keep fighting. Your H and the OW are to blame not you.What goes around comes back around!

wow you poor thing. I dont blame you for doing what you did. Screw them both

I'm not sure when he started working there , probably 18-24 months and I really don't know how long she had been there for.
He was only there at first doing general carpentry work and only for a couple of days at a time but gradually his hours and days increased until he was there every day.
As I say, it manner changed this year but I do wonder if it was her he was emailing in October when we were on holiday.
Also in his iPod touch there was a piece of paper with her email address on it and his iPod hadn't been updated since 28th December so although I don't think anything physical had started then, it was certainly on the cards

I don't get the split view regarding "other women" on here. Some posters have had a go at you for going for her (and wow! for that) as if she's not any in any way responsible for what's happened. But on other threads there is a special kind of vitriol reserved for the sort of woman who shags another woman's husband.
So, what you did was not pretty, but then that's just part of the shit that follows when a married partner (of either sex) plays away from home. It's pretty ugly stuff, because such deep-seated emotions start flying.
I hope you can get some peace of mind soon.

I think you make done good points Hattytown

If you've only got E mails as evidence, there's a lot you don't know. Physical affairs are in any case generally preceded by an emotional affair, so the affair overall has probably been going on for a long time and chances are, pre-dated her split with her husband. She probably started putting more pressure on after she became free herself.

What was happening while you were on holiday in October then? It sounds like it was a flashpoint.

Have a proper think about his behaviour before this year, but also think about how you've been feeling about life in general. Had you had more arguments than normal? Did you feel unhappy and out of sorts yourself without really knowing why? When would you say you last felt that all was well in your world?

No as I said I had only just been diagnosed with stress. My job was being restructured and I wasn't sure if I would keep it and even if I did I would take a £280 cut in wages a month.
My son had been assaulted and although the person had been convicted of GBH with intent he was appealing which means there is going to be a retrial.
We were having a new kitchen and windows and then a rewire which I had been arguing with the council over for a few years so the whole house was a mess, dusty, no heating , cooker or hot water and I had had another cancer scare...I had breast cancer in 2002 and a lump had been found in my leg.
So yes, I was probably not myself at times

Just seen this thread, having read your post on another thread.

I can't believe the shit you are getting over the email to her headteacher. Whilst I do believe that your husband is the one ultimately to blame, I also think that any woman who knowingly shags someone else's husband is a skank and deserves to feel some consequences of their actions. She should be made to feel embarrassment over what she did - her colleagues should know her for the dirty, immoral slut that she is. Of course, the OW owes you nothing, beyond the common decency that a human being should show another human being, but seeing as she couldn't manage that, then by the same token, you owe her nothing.

As far as I'm concerned, they both wronged you and if you retaliate, then they have to suck it up. Actions have consequences and she should feel some of them.

I would get a proper flaming on MN, because not only would I have forwarded it to her boss, I would have copied it to all her colleagues and her parents and would have put it on his fb wall.

I am so very sorry that this happened to you. It's utterly horrible to think that everything you believed in, is a lie and that the man you thought you were married to, never existed at all (because the man you thought you had, would not treat you this way). I would look back at some of the posts that MNer WhenwillIfeelnormal put on this subject. She has left now, I think, but was an utter genius at explaining how people think in these situations.

My former friend split with her hubby a year before the guy she was having the affair left his wife, both denied they had an affair. They married and had two further kids, she didn't trust him. I don't see them any more, last I knew it was all public fb stuff about best hubs and wife in world!

Hattytown...we were on a cruise and everything was fine but when we got to Malaga he said that he needed to find a wifi spot so that he could email his time sheets to his boss.......I'm not sure that was true!
Did I mention that we had two cruises booked this year for which he was actively planning our shore excursions? Also a family week away with our Grandaughter in October?