Bogey, that was the most fantastic post about it I have ever read. Thank you for putting into words exactly what it is like:
"But that doesnt tally with when he claims it started (when he does give it a date, 90% of the time he "cant remember") so I, like you, am left asking "SO WHEN?!!!!!How much of my life has been rewritten? How much of my history is a fiction? Exactly how long were you making a fucking fool of me?!"
But it has got me nowhere. I will never know. And that has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with. I have to accept that I will never know the whole truth. We will never know who Jack the Ripper was, whether the Holy Grail is real and what really happened when our husbands cheated on us. Partly because they lie to us and partly because they lie to themselves. They convince themselves it wasnt that bad, it was a friendship that went too far a couple of times. Deep down they know it wasnt, but they have to do this so that they dont have to face the kind of people they are, usually the kind of person that they would be disgusted with if it was someone else cheating. They lie to themselves so well that they can look you in the eye and lie to you too without flinching because they almost believe that what they are saying is true."
I will never know. I will never have the intimacy I longed for as a lonely girl and wished and hoped for, and convinced myself I had. I now know that there is NOBODY in my life that I can trust and rely on to care about me - except me. I know his need to save his ego is more important than anything else - and like MrG he gave up when he saw what the true cost was.
And sadly I read the rare posts from lucky, lucky, lucky women who say their marriage is even better than before because their H's were so horrified by themselves that they committed to bear that cost, were completely open and honest, and shared themselves with their wives to examine why they did what they did. And the reward of course is deeper love and intimacy that was better than before.
I haven't got to where you are Bogey, accepting I will never know. I mean I do but I haven't worked through all the sorrow yet. It (that I don't have the relationship I hoped for, and never will), that my children have been so hurt, still makes me so very sad and I lost a huge thing: hope. How sad that acceptance has to mean loss of hope.
Here is an example of the reality: we were talking about the children, and he was deeply shocked to hear me saying that IMO our children were neglected...
How so? 'Well, we are not a united family and we are not [modern workaholic global lifestyle] always available for them'
For me that is calmly stating a fact. For him, that is ATTACKING him and BLAMING him. He will now sulk for days.
Well, dear, your wife gives you realistic feedback, always did, and OW you chose because she was nice to you [flatter, flatter, admire, idealise and an exciting new tight ---- to go with it].
Off you go and choose what you would rather live with and you are always free to choose. Because reality doesn't change because you don't like it.