Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

[Mrsgorgeous]

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

more projection, please ignore, they will both there wetting themselves if you do. He is bitter over the bathrooms and holiday, he said so earlier. You off to Israel? He is one hypocrite cheating and all, none of the three religions condone that surley?

What a prat!

I know it hurts, but honestly, you are well rid. You don't want to be anywhere near a man who can say such things to you.

nurse I posted earlier but have been away.

I cannot impress upon you enough how much better you will feel if you disengage from him as much as you can.It somehow shifts the power and gives you back your dignity. Do not answer any texts unless they are sensible and factual.ignore all rantings and attempts to rile you.

I remember the satisfaction of my ex's frustration escalating when i decided enough was enough and i wasnt going to entertain him anymore. Watching my phone vibrating away as i shaved my legs in the bath,was a significant moment for me

sorry MRS GI GOT CONFUSED THERE.

We have had this holiday booked for a long time and he had been planning the shore excursions with me. He had been looking forward to going as I said. he was shocked to learn that our daughter is coming with me.
Israel is one of the ports and we have booked excursions to Jerusalem and Bethlehem , and Nazareth and galilee the following day. However the port has been under rocket fire so hopefully things will have calmed down by the time we get there.
I have already replied:
You are the one that needs to pray because the devil has you in his sights!
He has a phobia about the devil...but once again I've acted stupidly I wish I could just get over the fact that my marriage is over. It has taken a fatal blow

He is doing the devils work and knows it! Try not to respond, I did that it gets you no where!

When does this get better? Is there a golden time when people turn a corner and move on?

MrsG it took me a long time to detach, prob 6 months and believe me you are torturing yourself, you have to try very hard not to engage with him. It really is the only way forward, it is such are hard path you are travelling, take it one day at a time, one step at a time, its going to be hard, but we all get there eventually.

How long is a piece of string? My narc ex used the courts for years and the dc, I don't expect he will give up taking his issues out on me, its been five years. It stopped harming me about six months ago, after lots of counselling. Not all men are like that.

Not really it just happens as time goes by and you start to live your life again.

I remember asking the same question. "when will i ever feel better?" You just kind of do.

The first few days you are in shock then comes the rage then a calm acceptance and sadness.

Every week you think about it less and then suddenly you realise that you are getting over it.

I think its harder when they are with someone else cos you torture yourself about what they are doing and know that its easier for them cos they are not alone.

I learned not to torture myself about it and didnt ask questions or allow anyone to tel me what they were up to.I pushed things out of my mind and moved happier thoughts in to there place like wondering what my new future held or where i would go on holiday next.

I think about it 24/7 it's eating me up but there seems to be nothing I can do about it. The thoughts are always there.
I want to turn the clock back or forward to escape this horrible time. I was so good yesterday, totally in control and now I feel like I have made a total fool of myself exposing my feelings and weaknesses

As soon as you get space, no phone calls, solicitors, finances, contact, courts etc, it improves in my experience, I found it hard when he was telling lies at such high stakes to the dc welfare. I had no idea about projection, I found it all confusing and very scary.

Get free of him asap!

It's natural to have ups and downs and probably virtually impossible to have full control over your emotions and behaviour at this time.

I think though, that you have to adopt the strategy of pretending not to care, when you deal with him. If nothing else, it will drive him batshit crazy, to think that you don't give a flying fuck about his life/opinions.

All the time you get emotional, it's kind of like feeding the troll - he is getting something out of it (if only, ammunition, to justify to himself how he and the OW are right and it's all your fault and how he doesn't need to feel guilty and all that bs).

If you don't engage, then he's got nothing and nowhere to focus but on his own actions.

Eventually you will feel better - it's not going to happen overnight. You will grieve for all the things you thought you had and for the loss of your dreams for the future and all that is natural.

But in the end, you will see that you are better without someone like him, in it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I completely understand why you acted as you did at the start and I second what most others have said that the OW does have to take her share of responsibility. Please take the wonderful advice you are being given and disengage from this man - don't lower yourself into exchanging petty insults. It will hurt your DH much more to simply ignore him.

Counting to 10 ......I have just read that article you linked , thank you

You can get back in control though and its very early days.

I spent the first few days drinking wine (when kids in bed) and smoking.

You have every right to express your feelings to him dont feel bad.

The way you feel is the reason to not let yourself feel like it again so its dignity time now,hold your head high and get on with your life and do it well,that is the best revenge.

Take each day as it comes,eat,sleep and keep busy,you can do this many of us have done.

Everything he's said though is on-script Mrs. Gorgeous!

It's exactly as posters have told you. The stuff about you having 'changed' was manufactured by him to justify what he wanted to do. At some point after he met this woman, he will have taken a proverbial axe to your relationship and bit by bit, set about sabotaging it and behaving badly. Like any normal person, you would have reacted to his changed behaviour and conflict resulted. This then cast you in the role of a nagging and unhappy wife, your closeness as a couple was naturally diminished and that made it easier for him to go headlong into the affair. It's a tired and well-used script in affairs.

But he wanted this to be a secret affair and not a life-changing relationship. That's why he was still making plans for you as a family. He thought he could compartmentalise the two relationships. You blew that fantasy wide open when you discovered what he was up to. Like a coward, he didn't stay to fight for what he really wanted, but 'flighted' to the easy resting place of the other woman. When he says that he could never come back because you'd throw it in his face, what he means is that he would never have the courage to take the recriminations and atone for his behaviour. He is arrogant enough to think you'd have him back and manipulative enough to blame you for the behaviour he predicts you would exhibit if he returned. This also gives him a handy extra justification for his continuing relationship with the OW (and it is still going on, as I'm sure you realise.)

I think if you can't trust yourself not to retort and feed his need for a reaction, it's best to have no contact with him at all. The kids are old enough to have the contact they want without your intervention so you're in the relatively luckly position of being able to have nothing to do with him until you're feeling a bit stronger and have a better lid on your emotions.

That's another thing, he asked if he could come to see me before I went away!

I think he is really messed up.
He is living at his Mums l went past there with my daughter and the truck was parked there. I was told he was there but still seeing ow by others. So if he wanted her and she wanted him so much,why isn't he living with her?
As you probably guessed I've been up again practically half the night. I wish I could just leave it alone and move on but 24 years is such a long time

He's not messed up - he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It isn't some great big love story with the OW, that was about getting his end away and he hadn't planned on getting caught and thrown out. The shit has hit the fan and he is now realising that his lovely life has gone and what happens now, isn't entirely up to him!

I think he is hoping you will ask him to come back, but I don't think you can do that, when all the trust and respect has gone.

You've now seen, very clearly, what he is really like and how he is capable of hurting you and so it is impossible to go back to where you were, as much as you want to.

You strike me as a woman who needs a strong partner - someone you can respect and genuinely like, not this weak manchild who cannot support you in times of need,but runs off looking for distractions.

mrsg What is it that you wnat? Do you want him back? Be honest because it will help you.
I know its hard,i was with ex for 18 yrs and had 4 dc one only a few months old and had had a mastectomy so the thought of being single was terrifying.

I thought it was over but then people started suggesting it could be saved and he started sniffing around so fer made me consider giving it a go but that made me even more miserable.I didnt feel i could ever be with him after such a betrayal and couldnt spend my life trying to be perfect enough for him not to cheat.

Once i had decided to go alone (i think he would have chosen her anyway btw)
I decided to actively get my life in order.
I sorted out finances, contacted old friends,started having nights out,dyed my hair blonde and bought a funky little car.
Of course there were bad days but going camping with the kids and friends or getting dresed up for a night out made them bearable.

You need to decide what you want and then actively take conroll.

Stop all contact for a while,give yourself time to heal and think.

What are you doing driving past his Mums house? Are you 17? Come on,take some of our advice. Re read the thread and decide on some actions.

If you allow your head to clear of these thoughts you wil be able to sleep.

Have you got a friend you can talk it all through with?

I also agree with karma he wanted both of you,you took control and kicked him out.How funny,he must be gutted.

He wants to see you either to see if you are ask him back or to see your upset to reassure him that you are still not over him.

My ex and i are friends now but he tells me he was shocked by my reaction to his affair as he had forgotten what i feisty woman i could be.He did think he was just having a dabble and was shocked when i threw him out.

Also I can remember the exact moment i decided to move on.It felt fabulous and exciting.I rang my sister and said "Before i had so much to deal with but now i have made my decision I can just concentrate on getting over it"

I didn't throw him out he went walkabout on the Saturday and his brothers went looking for him because we thought he had started to drink again. After I found the emails a couple of days later , I texted him just her name and that's when I expect he realised he couldn't come back.
He said yesterday that he couldn't come back because I would. Onto jalopy bring it up , which I would and I said that I could never trust him again anyway. I realise now that the person I loved although it looks like him has changed and become a stranger.
We had to drive past his Mums as a means to getting to my friends house. It is only 5 minutes away and enroute.
And yes, I have wonderful friends who are as shocked as I am and it was one of them that pointed me in the direction of mums net . She said I would find people who had had similar experiences and that what was happening to me was very common. I'm glad I did!

onto jalopy ?
Continually

Try to live without your mobile for a day. The less you are in contact with him, the more chance for you not to think about him (if only for five wonderful minutes).
Could you DD delete his texts to you, so you don't have to read them, or ask a friend to do this on a daily basis. Ideally change your number or get a new phone (swap the one he calls into a cheap phone).
If you can't and don't have contact with him for a day or two it will help.

I have read your thread MrsG and you are getting some great support which I cant add much too !

After my xh left I did indulge in a few sad faced/ angry texts , probably half a dozen in total and I didnt regret it. However I quickly knew I wanted to take the dignity route and not let him know how I was feeling so I would tap out text messages /emails and send them to Drafts and if the next day I still felt I wanted to send them I could. I never did want to when the moment passed.

In answer to your question about when it becomes more bearable there isnt a hard and fast answer. Until my xh left I never understood the meaning of broken hearted and it shocked me how physical the effects were for a few months.

Also I think it depends how happy in your marriage you were, in my case once I had had to take my head out of the sand I realised how unhappy I had become desperately trying to be the wife I thought he wanted.

I worked my socks off to get over him and move on - self help books, therapy, garnering support from friends and family unashamedly as I was determined to move on

However the first couple of months were spent just taking it in and allowing myself to be devastated at what had happened, smoking in the garden at 5am , rushing home from the supermarket in tears.

Fast forward 2 and a bit years and I am really happy and peaceful and have been for a long time. The truth is xh does still occupy my thoughts more than I would have expected but this doesnt cause me pain iyswim ? After 17 years together , in your case 24, you wont just be able to erase him and for me I refuse to regret my marriage .

Sorry I know you are a long way from that point but trust me you will get there and as per my nickname it really does ...