Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

[Mrsgorgeous]

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

He did those things because he has personal issues and flaws - NOT because of you or because of the marriage. It is all about HIM and how the affair and all that ego boosting attention made him feel.

There was NOTHING you could have done to stop him.

Well....I've just seen her and spoken to her!

I knew they were in the area because my friend saw them just round the corner from where I live.
Being in a mischievous mood now and out to cause mayhem, I thought I'd drive round there.
They was not there BUT as I drove past the pub , there she was sitting in her car alone in the car park. So I parked my car . She didn't see me because she was looking the other way and only saw me when I was I front of her car. I said " you know who I am don't you" and she said yes. ( don't know if she had wet herself by this time , if it was the other way round I would have)
I said...you're still with him aren't you, you foolish foolish woman...and she said yes. I told her that yes I did want to break them up but not because I wanted him back but because I wanted to do as my damage as they had done to my family. I said how would she like it if I sent all her emails to her daughters? ( I would NEVER EVER do this) and left by saying ..."think about it."
He came across the road looking ashen and said..." you just won't let it rest will you?". I didn't reply but carried on walking calmly to my car.
As I started my car I could see him talking to her through the passenger window and as I pulled away he was walking towards me

Ha ha empowered at last!

So why have I been crying off and on again since last night? Will I ever get over this?

MrsG - just found your thread and have read all of your posts. You're upset because what you thought was true wasn't. You probably feel stupid for not realising and for trying so hard to put things right when it wasn't you making them wrong. It's very hard but do try to have nothing to do with either of them, or as little as you have to. Communicate as much as you can in writing it by email where you need to. Keep going with the house (cleaning is very therapeutic)! If your experience goes like mine did, you will never get an explanation and history will be re-written to justify what's happened. Keeping yourself busy is a good way to stop you going over and over this trying to find a reason (there is none). It WILL get better. I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt too. Three years on, there are still times when I feel very sad and bitter about what happened to me - and then I remember I wouldn't have him back for all the tea in China!

... By writing OR by email.....

Thank you . I really don't want him back but feel so powerless today. I do known roughly what happened now and it has made things better. I just can't believe that he just moved on without regard to myself or his family...it's as if the last 24 years meant nothing at all to him.
I've had a pain in my hip for over a week now and have been to the doctors who says that it might need to be investigated further if it doesn't ease.. Im petrified that I may have secondary bone cancer....stupid and unreasonable I know but such a worry too. What has been the point of all the battle I had before with cancer.
Sorry...just feeling really low

(((Hugs)))

And now I feel an idiot.......bloody man!

You need to get a grip on this..why would you go to an area you had heard they were in?? They are together and yes you are hurt but you need to have some dignity in this....leave them be now, she'll learn.

Top of my road? I live there!

And as for the friend who told you this, I wouldn't listen to her/him any more, everyone loves a drama x

Well it's six months on and I haven't heard from him since that day. I have had the results from my X-ray and it seems that it is general wear and tear and requires some physio. I also need to have a bone density scan. My doctor did say that because of my history(breast cancer), they had looked for any signs but thankfully there weren't any.
On reflection I think that what HATTYTOWN said about her relationship breaking down first and her leaving her family and then pressurising him is true . She left her home and family sometime in January and he finally left here in February.
I'm feeling very low and alone in my lovely house. We had worked so hard to get to this point where in his words " we were almost there....we nearly had it all" and here I am alone with no one to enjoy it with. I have to snap out of this but finding it so difficult.
It's my daughters birthday this week and I wonder if he will even send her a card and,knowing how close they were how he will deal with his guilt over what he has done to her.
Six months...please tell me it really is going to get better

Hi mrs g of course it is going to get better- it's like suffering a bereavement and six months is still early days. You're also mourning the loss of trust and questioning if you ever knew him and wondering if you will ever trust anyone again. 'this too will pass' and you will be a stronger wiser person whereas he has lost everything. He is too ashamed to speak to your daughter even if he doesn't act like it. Give it time.

Thanks ebayaholic. It just feels that our family has become dysfunctional. I suppose it's because we are all in shock. I hate feeling so needy and wish I could snap out of it. Some days I'm fine but other days I wake up early and the whole day stretches before me like an endless tunnel...like today. I think it's the financial worry too. I've sold gold and a freezer. I've sold things on eBay too just so I can pay the rent.
There ought to be something built into cheating partners so that they turn green or something and they can't carry on their deception in secret .....you know like they use in cash boxes to expose thieves when they open the box then they get covered in a stain ha ha

Oh FFs! Who gives a flying fuck about the ow? Honestly? No, with hindsight and calm consideration it wasn't the most sensible thing to fo but hey ho! shagging another woman's husband isn't the most sensible thing to do either. And as for focussing the blame where it belongs, it sounds as if Op has managed that quite well now. Compassion us needed when someone is in such a horrible place, not judgement.

Sorry you're in such a dreadful situation mrsG. You hVe my utmost sympathy x

Mrs G - glad that its just wear and tear and nothing more serious ((hugs)).

Im nearly 5 months on from the devastation of STBXH walking out. Could have filed absolute last week, just hanging on to sort out the financial stuff.

Mentally, in one way I am a lot better, but I am nowhere near over it. I went out on a date today, but it just proved that Im not over the ex.

BUT I am so much further on than I ever dreamed I would be at this point. Its just a massive roller coaster of ups, downs, worry and fear, but at some point it will all level out for all of us in this situation. my counsellor is doing a good job of keeping me grounded.

most people that I have spoken to in my situation reckon it takes about 2 years before you can trust anyone or want to date anyone, but of course, everyone is different.

Wishing you all the best

Oops! Bit late to this. Sorry. Sorry you are dealing with health issues as well. Life is a bitch sometimes

I still cannot believe that he has done this. He has drawn a line under his old life. Even my neighbours who he has known for years and years, some before me and used to look to him for help are being ignored. If it is because he ashamed , then I don't know how he is living with the guilt. It's as if he's had a brain transplant.
skye I do follow your threads and think you are doing great. I have thought about going on dates but am nowhere at that point yet but I would like a male companion. And that's another thing...I had surgery and so meeting someone new would be very tricky and awkward

by the way, love your idea about the bank box ink for men. It should be built into their underpants and linked to a chip to their wife. If they drop their pants for anybody else their pants explode and they turn green

there would be an awful lot of green men around....

Hello Mrs G
Please Please please get yourself and your lovely family some counselling.

You all need to talk, to lance the boil this idiot has caused to fester in your family.

I will tell you the truth.

One day you will look back anf think why the hell was I unhappy because he left, I should be thanking him!!
Because you will be happy, I promise you.
Blessings x

Mmm sadly, yes. After reading a lot of threads on MN it seems all too common....and all the same "script"
It's like a self destruct button for some of them...others are so cavalier about their families at home and think they'll get away with it

Im having counselling and finding it very helpful. We have gone over my behaviour, his behaviour (to work out my behaviour). We have looked at the letters that he wrote to me.

She is going to prepare me for the future and how not to repeat the mistakes of the past

earthymama, thank you. I've had counselling and I've got a group of very close friends who I can talk to but nobody really understands like the ladies on this site x