Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

[Mrsgorgeous]

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

So you've been having a horribly shitty time anyway and it seemed reasonable to be feeling a bit down and unhappy with your lot? So therefore completely understandable that you wouldn't have noticed him pulling away from you a bit, or if he was, I expect you put it down to him having the same worries as you?

Of course, this makes his affair even worse. Life had thrown some awful knocks at you and then he did this. No wonder you are angry and incredulous. You have every right to be. I am so sorry.

I put it down to him saying he was unwell and that he had "pain down below". I was so worried that he did have something serious wrong with him.
Then of course I thought he had started drinking again.
I feel a real idiot and completely betrayed

You are not an idiot, I think it is about half of mm who cheat at some point, most wives never know. You have every right to feel betrayed, you were.

You are not an idiot. He was an utter shit. And then he even had the nerve to have you worrying about his health, when his willy was ust sore from overuse!

And I bet he used it as an excuse for lack of sex too, some affair havers do this, though not all.

No wonder you feel betrayed. And he doesnt even now have the consideration, since he has left anyway, to tell all.

He never did plan to leave at that time, did he. He wanted bits from you and bits from her.

The alcoholic issues, and the reasons for it, are key to understanding why this is about him and not you, if you can be arsed to consider it.

Given how he has treated you, I wouldnt bother. I would be focussing on rebuilding my life, detaching from him, and getting over the utterly crap year/s.

Ok, so now he is coming round to pick up as much as he can that is left of his things. The house is sparkling and I have changed into a new Summer top. I am determined to remain calm and detached! Wish me luck.....oh and I've put the secateurs away that I have been using in the garden, just in case!

I would be on the phone to imaginary person to look like he is unimportant and so you are aware in reality of what he is up to. I wish I had been able to think this clearly when I was in your position. Light and don't care about him should do it until that is genuinley how you feel, he betrayed your trust, put your health at risk, was nasty to you and lied to you so you are well rid.

Oh yes. What newhouse said. Be cool calm and unconcerned (if you can possibly manage it).

Hansiemom I cannot believe how annoyed you seem at the op on behalf of the ow just because she forwarded to emails to her boss. I think it's far more malicious and spiteful to have a relationship with a married man. Can't understand your logic on that one love, sorry!

So he's gone and I was really good (most of the time) couldn't help some things spurting out like that he ought to go to the sexual health clinic like I had to based on her history OR here's all your medicines except for the Viagra cos you took all those already
And the best....oh looks like you need to look for a new hairdresser because the one you've had for 24 years isn't going to do it anymore and when he asked if I knew anyone I said yes Sweeney Todd.
I feel better especially when he said that he shouldn't have done what he did and will regret it for the rest of his life.....but does he mean it or is he feeding me more lies?

I love all your medicines and mentioning Viagra! Sweeney Todd! Ah well he regrets it now, lets see if he does when solicitors speak to him!

It'll get easier, but the best approach in the future is complete disinterest.

He was probably telling the truth, but what he means is that he will regret fucking up his life for the rest of his days. Not yours or the kids, sadly. And if he continues to see the OW, he is someone who can't be on his own and thinks that any woman is better than none.

I can understand you are angry and don't blame you for posting things onto website in a fit of anger and desperation. It is very difficult to act rationally when your life has been turned upside down and your heart broken. I don't think you are cruel I think you reacted to his really fucking shitty behaviour might not have been the wisest or most dignified thing but fuck that I bet it made you feel better and right now I think you should do whatever helps you and not give a toss about the two peoples feelings that have shat on you. Plus I don't believe all this crap about only direct your anger at your husband bullshit. Two people cheated.. one that was married and one that has now cheated a wife out of her husband. OW is just as much to blame as she knew he was married!! Personally they both deserve whatever they get not just the husband.

I am sorry this has happened to you but it honestly gets better and you will realise you are better off without a liar and a cheat for a husband.

Apologise for the poor grammer!

Fuck me there are some sanctimonious arses on mn sometimes. Some people need to shut up if they dont know how it flipping feels.

Op you could be me even down to the breast cancer. You will be fine,well rid and able to start a fresh.

I used to dream about killing both ow and exh i was just so hurt and devastated so i can totally get why you did wht you did which i dont even think is that bad anyway. Its a risk you take when you shag someone elses husband.

I have a lovely new husband now and the old model is still with the ow who has had 2 kids put on about 4 stone and they live with her Mother as they have no money.I however have a lovely home good job and a very nice toyboy dh thankyou. What goes around and all that.

Look after yourself and make some lovely plans for the future-your future which you have been given the chance of remaking.

Now I feel rotten because my neighbour said that he looked broken when he left this afternoon. He was chatting to them as we have always been close.
But is it an act ? My Son saw him the other day and said he looked like a tramp. Maybe he is realising that the grass isn't greener on the other side and has made a mistake. But what if it had of been happy with her? I wouldn't have been given a second thought!
So confused

They always look like that its because reality hits them.Dont give it a second thought op he didnt think about you and the children when he was cheating.

Don't feel rotten. He has put himself in this position and didn't give a thought to how you and your children would be feeling, when he did it.

You feel bad for him, because this is the man you are used to loving and protecting and it's hard to not do that any more. Your 'norm' is to love and care for him - it's a hard habit to break. Thing is, the man you thought you were married to, doesn't exist - he's shown you who he really is, now.

In an ideal world, none of this would ever have happened, but it did and you can't change that and make it how it was before. However pitiful he now is, you cannot trust him to love you, to protect you and to do right by you. The utter callousness of his treatment of you, and the barefaced lies he told to your face, is harder to get over than the actual sex with someone else, imo.

As already mentioned elsewhere in another affair thread, the looking like shit is part of the cheater's script, its to make you and other people feel for him - he is certainly feeling sorry for himself and not for you and his family.

Do NOT fall for it.

Mrg, I wonder whether there always was a bit of mothering in your relationship with him?

Alot of us do rather alot of h nurturing of one kind or another, if they seem incapable (or addicted) in some way themselves.

He is missing that, and letting people, women especially, know.

But he is not a child and you are not his parent.

Let him feel the consequences of his actions and, hopefully grow and mature as a result of that :)

Agree with karma believer. If I were shagging someone else's husband I would expect all I got from the wife tbh. I really can't agree with the school of thought that being an ow carries no repercussions - I think we all should have a duty of care towards one another and to me, if someone is attached, they just aren't free to take. I know that's ridiculously idealistic but I wish more people felt the same

Op I am so sorry you're in this position. I know how agonising it is. One tiny step at a time, don't try to plan too far in advance. Get the legal side covered ASAP if you can. It will get better.

For what it's worth mrs g I don't agree with other posters that all your anger should be directed to your h. If course he could have stopped it but she is as much to blame. So what if your emails wrecked her career, she (along with h) have totally wrecked your life (for now - and remember that), there should be consequences. Maybe she'll think twice before she gets involved with a married man again.

And before anyone accuses me of thinking men can't help themselves, that's not what I mean, it does take 2 people though and without her he wouldn't have done it.

Mrs g, I'm do sorry this has happened to you an I hope you gain some strength and Many more supportive messages from mn.

Take care of yourself, make sure you eat and get plenty I rest.

Five three.....I think we nurtured each other. We watched each others backs, thought alike , sometimes the same thing at the same time and as my neighbours have said "were so good together". That's why I just don't understand why he would want to throw everything away, because he has.

Feeling low this morning because I have turned the calendar and it has been a whole month without him.

I do appreciate all your messages of support , thank you