Living with dh bordeline personality disorder with narscissitic tendencies

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh has been diagnosed with boderline personality disorder with narcissitic tendencies which explians a lot of his recent behaviour he is glad he has a diagnosis and feels enlightened as to why he behaves like he does and he wants to work on changing for the better.

I want the marriage to work and to be healthy so I was wondering if anyone has experiance as to how to deal with this and if anyone knows what treatment is available ?

MrsW if it is borderline symptoms that he's showing, and if he is desperately seeking help, then there is hope yet.

i can't tell you what to do, or what not to do, when it some to him... but what i will say is: PLEASE get support for yourself. you need support. this is not negotiable. you must must must get regular support for yourself.

the same goes for your son. he NEEDS support.

sending you much love and wishing you only the best x

Ps I can't remember what I said but I was feeling sick from the stress of it all and I pretended it was a bug he said please don't try to humor me ,I know it's me causing this , and when he got his diagnosis he said after so basically I'm a self centered prick .
Thought that might be significant

Well, it might be significant in that he sees himself as the more likely cause of your illness than a virus!

Thank you for your update. It is moving to read.

Part of me wants to point you & him in the direction of "FLEAS" - it's not an acronym, it's shorthand for the behavioural effects of growing up in a PD environment (as living with a flea-ridden dog will give you fleas!) I displayed many BPD-like symptoms, to the extent where I asked for a diagnosis. I must be one of the few people in this country who have two negative diagnoses for BPD!!

But ... but, my love, so much of what you wrote is typical of NPD. Above everything else, the whole tone and direction of your posts echoes the way I thought and felt while married to an (undiagnosed) Narcissist and, again, to an undiagnosed psychopath. It's not just me, either - I was on all the "NPD partner" threads until the most recent. We all felt like that ... there's a strong element of co-dependency there; something that is fostered by such disordered individuals.

You'll have to muddle your own way through this. But, please, DO find yourself a proper psychologist. Discuss everything with them. It will help you keep your balance.

This book has some information in it on personality disorders and might be useful

The emotionally abusive relationship ? how to stop being abused and how to stop abusing, Beverly Engel.

If you're reading up on things, this forum could be informative. Please read the warnings. I'd also recommend bookmarking Out of the Fog and reading the entire site :)

It really wasn't a bug he knew I was lying (I'm a terrible liar and we know each other verywell or so I thought)

Can someone like this get better?

Mrswhiskerson He sounds very much like my wife did along time ago. He can get better from this. I won't be easy and will take years but please believe me when I say it can be done, in fact it is very likely to be the eventual case. Try and see if you can get him onto a course of DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy), it's an extremely good treatment course for people with BPD. The fact he wants to get better is wonderful as that can often be one if the hardest parts of any recovery. The other major difficulty will be the eventual but necessary dragging up of the abuse from his childhood in a future course of a talking therapy, but course such as DBT will help him get to the psychological position of being able to deal with that process.

With regards to yourself and your son, finding someone/people to support you during this long process would be excellent. I'd usually recommend family, but his sounds extremely damaging. Perhaps some people from your side or close friends? Despite what many people have claimed he is not a danger to your son, but your son does need to understand what is wrong with his father, and possibly how he can help, so he can process the experience in as health a way as possible.

In fact if his family is that damaging than you should separate him from them. It won't help anybody if they hamper his recovery at ever turn.

All the best X

With all that guilt, doesn't sound like a personality disorder at all.

To me.

squash

You said to reference:

Also garlicbutter a PD is like a broken leg, your not born with a PD, it's usually a reaction to early childhood experiences and can be fixed.

Do you have research for me to read that states it is not genetic?

As the last time I did a literature review on nature v nurture of PDs their was no answer! Good few yrs ago and genetics has taken off since then, so I was wondering could I have links to this proof as really interested!

your son does need to understand what is wrong with his father, and possibly how he can help

Asking a child to 'help' (parent?) his own psychically tormented father is a sure-fire way to create an angry, co-dependent adult.

seaofyou I wonder what your science education background is like because you seem to be confused as to how genetics works. It's certainly not genetic as it is not an hereditary trait passed down from biological parents, that would make it a genetic disease, like say Huntington's.

There have been links made between certain genes that deal with serotonin processing and other neurochemical processes that can cause symptoms that look like BPD (in monkeys), however the brain is little understood and frankly its going to be a long time till we can make any truly definitive statements about causes, but the strongest correlating factor has been shown to be childhood abuse. So far the genetic aspects seem to be an influencing factor rather than a cause as such.

With regards to links, there alot of material there with a quick search on google scholar, though i don't have the accounts for the sites and i don't particularly feel like searching through all the books I have on the subject at midnight. But believe me it's there.

i think that BPD may be correlated to childhood abuse (though of course correlation =/= causation).

but NPD has not afaik. from what i've read NPD appears, like APD, to be more to do with brain chemistry (nature) than environment (nurture)

There has been an awful lot of confusion in this thread between BPD, a much more treatable disorder, and NPD (and perhaps APD). I know Squash seems to think they are all quite similar, but they really are not. I read the ICD classification and nothing there suggests to me that BPD, NPD or APD are on some sort of continuum.

Squash is their any RCTs or twin studies on it? Do you know any particular author names that spring to mind that states this.

I am practically interested for personal issues not For study( many decades ago). Let's say I will feel relieved if it is not!

Years ago they had no advanced testing and therefore it could not be answered.
So if the dc df has PD and say not involved then the dc has the same risk of developing PD as the next child ( not any higher percentage risk of developing PD) depending on environmental triggers?

mrs w this is v important for your dc as if ds is ( or maybe not) nurtured correctly/incorrectly by df then this could then snowball into your ds developing a PD. protection of our dc is paramount. Does your dh have good relationship with ds? Is dh a good role model for ds? I ask because dh could be totally different with ds.

"Family histories are often positive for antisocial personality disorder, with increased incidence in the fathers of both male and female patients with [antisocial personality disorder].

"Adoption studies support the role of both genetic and environmental contributions to the development of the disorder."

www.health.am/psy/antisocial-personality-disorder/ (sources linked in document)

In a study of 2794 young adult twins:

"Genetic risk factors for DSM-IV PDs do not reflect the cluster A, B, and C typology. Rather, 1 genetic factor reflects a broad vulnerability to PD pathology and/or negative emotionality. The 2 other genetic factors are more specific and reflect high impulsivity/low agreeableness and introversion. Unexpectedly, the cluster A, B, and C typology is well reflected in the structure of environmental risk factors, suggesting that environmental experiences may be responsible for the tendency of cluster A, B, and C PDs to co-occur."

Original document

Google is your friend :)

Oik my reading was on psychopathy as it was called back then. So psychopathy is still nature? If so that is what I was thinking of?

So the NPD traits is the most worrying for Mrs W is this right? mrs W what are dh behaviors? Sorry if you said earlier but can't find it?

Honestly from what MrsWhiskerson has written most recently on this thread, I think psychopathy is a complete red herring. It sounds like her dh is very angry, and has reason to be, and has all kinds of unresolved traumas to deal with, which lead him to lack sleep, have nightmares etc etc. Sleeplessness in itself drives you pretty mad.

Wow that's a big study but going to take me 24hrs to read it gb and I will, thank you.
It looks like from the research then that cluster B does not have nature link....this good news for MrsW!

Also, I wouldn't have thought anxiety, insomnia or depression would be markers for psychopathy; surely the reverse is true?

Ie, aren't they indicators that it's not psychopathy?

Rather MrsW dh has BPD with NPD traits.

I was discussing PDs and then particular psychopathy re nature v nurture with squash et al re latest research on cause/trigger just to clarify.

Hey rather unless the psychopath has a conscious hahahaha

Squash you really must stop telling desperate people that their family members can be cured.

In the meantime another generation is damaged by their parent.

If this person can be cured he can go away and be cured, and let the OP bring up her children in a normal stable household.

And PDs are genetic. There is no doubt about that.

And yes I am a bloody scientist.

Gettingagrip are you suggesting that people like me should walk away from their children. Should we be banned from having children? A sterilisation programme maybe. Perhaps the moment a child is abused we should implant a permanent contraceptive. If it is genetic should my children be prevented from having children?

Not a monster - in my first post I said that I excluded BPD form all my posts as this can be cured.

I also said that I admire BPDs greatly for their courage.

I am taking issue with Squash's insistence that NPD and associated PDs can be cured.

And I have NEVER said anything about sterilisation - even for NPD! And even though I am a victim of this disorder in my family, an din effect it has ruined my life.

And Squash - what are your qualifications? You say you are looking in books - any books about this are likely to be out of date the moment they are published!