Living with dh bordeline personality disorder with narscissitic tendencies

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh has been diagnosed with boderline personality disorder with narcissitic tendencies which explians a lot of his recent behaviour he is glad he has a diagnosis and feels enlightened as to why he behaves like he does and he wants to work on changing for the better.

I want the marriage to work and to be healthy so I was wondering if anyone has experiance as to how to deal with this and if anyone knows what treatment is available ?

sorry oiko didn't mean to be crass or oversimplistic or stereotypical or unstereotypical. just living with her has been hell so I have had to dig deep to find redeeming characteristics. bit too close for comfort have more to learn.

My XH displayed some BPD characteristics and this website was brilliant.

Good luck OP.

I wouldn't hang around for anyone who has narcissistic traits.
It's a skewed perception of things they have.
Too much work for me!

BPD central is a fantastic website and can give you both a lot of support.

BPD is one thing.

It's the narcissism that is the major pisser. The narcissist in them is always dominant - they just do a very clever cover-up job [especially with a prof diagnosis...they will be laughing behind your back all the way]

In real life (not that they ever experience it) they never get over themselves. They steal, cheat, lie and dissemble.

They usually make a good home-made burger too. But this talent is fucking useless overall.

If you really want to stay get a behavioral analysist who specializes in forensics should be a feel in USA that can work over webcam?

Otherwise agree with UA

what are these behaviors?

Strict behavioral therapy needed if you are going to stay just want to wish you luck!

feel few

Yes...narcissists stay narcissistic.

forensics??????!

Yes forensic psychiatry this is where you will find a behavioral analysist that works with personality disorders most! I didn't say op dh had committed a crime!!!!!!?

knickerbockerglory!!!!!!!!????????????????????????

ffs

There is an interesting book by Charles Whitfield called Boundaries and Relationships. In it, there is a definition of health and unhealthy narcism. My late 'd'm ticked all the boxes for unhealthy narcism. He said that it is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

My 'd'm had either/both bpd or npd - to the effect that she invited her penfriend from the US with her dh to stay, despite the fact that she knew he had indecently assaulted me. They were shipping a brand new merc to the UK and it was going to look soooo good parked outside the house.

She had an incredible sense of entitlement, to the extent of under-insuring and over-claiming on insurance policies. She favoured the Royal because they paid out well. She stole, including family belongings from her db and ds, and a house from her df.

You get the picture.

Good luck OP, I think you're going to need it.

I have seen your other threads, OP

Your husband's diagnosis makes no difference to my advice

get out, get away

let him act out his own demons...very far away from you

Hope you come back to this thread after the unpleasant start.

On the other side of a narcissist there is very often a co-dependent type character. You can read about this in the Behary book linked to above. It sounds important for you to be aware of this and, as others have said, your own motivations and boundaries. You said that both you and your DH had difficult childhoods, in a way, you are the other side of the coin of how he has survived. You worked as a carer I think? and now you are your DH's carer.

What treatment is available for PDs is a postcode lottery. You can have a look at the NICE guidelines for BPD here. www.nice.org.uk/nicemedia/pdf/CG78NICEGuideline.pdf One of the important things is that it is not recommended to have therapy for less than 3 months duration as relationships are so rocky and endings so hard for BPD people. A lot of NHS services are under pressure to not provide long term therapy as it is so expensive.

As far as I know, Schema therapy, Mentalization and DBT have shown successful trials for BPD and Schema claims success with NPD. You can at least ask the team if anything is available.

You can both get information and support from here www.emergenceplus.org.uk/

Link please AF?

am not going to link here, it's up to OP if she wants to do that

goodoldme "The manipulation and verbal attacks can be breath taking and if you're not careful can bring you to your knees, but, if you arm yourself with as much information as you can and learn to detach, you'll be in a much stronger place to protect yourself."

What kind of life is that where you have to learn to detach so that being verbally and emotionally abused by the person that's supposed to love you hurts you less?

Now, I'm not writing off anyone with a BPD diagnosis as being like this, I'm sure like any other mental illness (I've suffered with PTSD and depression) there are degrees and differences with everyone. I also know nothing about BPD myself.

Hmmm, I think I may be seeing aspects of my own life in this, and should probably go off and think for a bit.

Dsis has BPD.

Goodoldme: "The manipulation and verbal attacks can be breath taking and if you're not careful can bring you to your knees" - that in itself took my breath away. Those verbal attacks: why are they so devastating?

Have not yet opened all links but looks like a useful thread for people like me and the OP (hopefully). Thank you for all links so far. I find it very hard to detach.

MrsW

I've read you earlier threads.

No one should be expected to put up with the abuse you are being subjected to by your DH even if the cause of his behaviou is MH related.

You and your DS must be living in fear. That's not an environment that a child should be brought up in. You must feel like a hostage, only staying because of his threats.

You're young. Can you bear to live like this for another 10, 20 or even 40 years?

You've done all you can - get out now.

MrsW - I am also married to a N who is not all bad. He has a sense of fairness, and does not hide money (I think).

But the hope (and wishing) they will change does fade after a while, and I wanted to tell you that whilst you go THROUGH it it is very painful, the eventual arriving at acceptance is not all bad.

You cannot have a relationship with these people.

So, for instance, my 10+ year complaint that he only touches me with affection when he wants sex (10+ years of not being heard!!!) has ceased to be a complaint. I fell for it for the very last time in my life, about 3 weeks ago. It is no longer a complaint, it is acceptance. I accept that he ONLY touches me with affection when he wants something, and after he has got it, the affection stops.

So, he doesn't get sex. The consequence is quite simple, really, but I had to get it. It has literally taken TEN YEARS for a reality to get past MY hope and MY denial.

PS when I say you cannot have a relationship with these people, I meant the relationship of maturity and intimacy (being heard, having your presence/thoughts/emotions/needs heard and acknowledged) you wish for.

You have to accept them for who they really are. They really ARE like this.

After that, there are the big questions? What are you going to do about it?

I'll get back to you after I have worked out that answer!

mrs W the fact he has a diagnosis and promises to work on it does not commit you to having to stay with him while he does this.

you would be better off living apart so you dont have to deal with the angry otubursts.

if, living apart, he can really really change then review in 12 months.

think about your DC and what they going thru with this.

if you are very confident and strong and can set your boundaries. wont olerate bad beahviour and above all can escape weekly o at least regualry to stay with other normal happy people then it might be ok. but if ou ahve to lvie 24/7 with no break you will be gournd down.

he ahs a diagnosis - ok, now you have jsutifcation to seek respite from caring for this person. you and DC deserve that. so either he goes off to stay with someone else from time to time - or you and DC do.

and each time he passes a line eg abuse you get him to leave. you goin to have to manage this and it aint gonna be easy.

frankly you will find it easier to manage from a distance, so he lives elsewhere while he explores his demns and works thru some therapy - visits with you and DC but when he crosses a line you say "time to go now". you and Dc deserve a life of peace and happiness. he is part of it for sure but you can limit the impact of his behaviour and limit his time around you and DC

now he has an excuse for all behaviour - dont let him use it that way