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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

631 replies

cwtchy · 28/03/2012 15:28

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 22:55

Is there any chance he would lose his job ?

Many employers frowm very strongly on departmental "romances" especially if they are married, and one is in a position of authority

is he responsible, eg, for her appraisals (or whatever the equivalent is)

as tempting as it sounds to make trouble, you don't want him jobless

Original poster

cwtchy · 15/05/2012 23:10

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't lose the job, AF. Its the NHS and they are all bloody at it. He isn't strictly in a line management chain. I would hope they would be stopped from working together, though. Or at the very least completely embarrassed.

I could report him to his professional regulator, now that is a different kettle of fish and if I had evidence it affected his work, he could lose his job. But I don't want to go completely mental! And I don't have any evidence of that, anyway.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 23:13

ok, I get you

Personally, I wouldn't make trouble for him at work. That's just me though. I prefer my revenge served cold.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 23:14

and we aren't all at it

maras2 · 15/05/2012 23:15

I'd grass the bastard without a second thought. < knee jerk reaction, just incase the first one missed >

Original poster

cwtchy · 15/05/2012 23:21

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 23:24

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 07:39

I wish!! unfortunately the only men I come across at work are pregnant ladies' DHs & 12 year old GP trainees!

fiventhree · 16/05/2012 08:22

Hmm, I did wonder whether it was the NHS or similar, having seen your description of the course he was on.

I wouldnt bother, tbh, and for two reasons.

Im not sure, given what's currently happening (esp re commissioning, and similar) that it would get a high priority, depending on the type of organisation he is in., and

Leave them to work together, Cwtchy! It will take the shine off the relationship all the quicker, and add stress to it. At this stage, the less they see of each other, the more desirable and desperate it will all seem to them.

ToothbrushThief · 16/05/2012 08:31

I wouldn't. His employers will probably back him and it will cause problems you don't need.

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/05/2012 09:05

Yes, very tempting but probably best to leave them to it - you do not want to come across as a deranged vengeful wife, adding to their drama and fuelling their fantasy affair bubble.

I wouldn't be surprised if their colleagues have noticed things anyway.

Original poster

cwtchy · 16/05/2012 09:50

Hmm I will hold back and have a think. Their colleagues all know, I just wasn't sure if the managers were aware. News travels fast though so maybe they know anyway. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything without having a very good think first!

OP posts:

BeforeAndAfter · 16/05/2012 20:27

Hey Cwtchy, sounds like you're in a better place at the mo.

Personally I would focus on making sure he does his full half of the child care, especially at night ... If OW has already decreed that kids at her place are a tad unsavoury then this could have delicious ramifications. Of course I would never suggest turning your children into pawns but ... you do need those nights to lather yourself in Clarins, eat chocolate and hunt the odd ram.

Original poster

cwtchy · 16/05/2012 21:32

Hiya B&A :)

I need some advice Mumsnetters. Have had a delightful convo with H tonight, it was quite obvious OW was in earshot. When he dropped the kids off on Sunday, he was not sure if he wanted a divorce, was concerned about a cut on my hand, was hanging around, etc, etc .... Today on the phone he definitely wants a divorce, he is not having an affair, he is just in a new relationship...Yeah, ok. I currently believe approximately 0% of what comes out of his mouth.

Anyway, I decided to tell him that now he has a place of his own and refuses to take the DCs to OWs house, I don't want her to have any contact with them at the moment. His response was basically, they see her or I won't have them very much.

What approach should I take with this? Legally can I prevent her seeing them? He hasn't given me his shift pattern and is being cagey about it, so I really think these poor DCs aren't going to see him much. He really has lost himself. I told him I feel sorry for him, and he is free to file for divorce. I need to think out what is best for the DCs in this.

What an arse. He really is throwing his whole life away. Arrrgggh! We were together 7 years before we got married, it's not like we rushed into it!! He hated cheaters and hated divorce. His parents are divorced and he has so much baggage because of it. Again I repeat: aaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 16/05/2012 21:41

My personal view is that whilst it's undesirable to introduce DC to such a new partner you cannot control what he does. I'd just come to terms with that :(

He's an utter oxygen thief for putting seeing her, over seeing his children.

and Whhhhhaaaaaaat?!? Tell us more

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 21:44

In my experience men reduce their contact with DCs more & more when they have a new woman & no matter what you say or do he will care only about himself & what suits him. Make a backup plan with reliable babysitters so you don't miss out on shagging 24 year olds having a social life. Never rely on him having them because he will as sure as eggs let you down. You can't stop OW seeing them very easily unless you can prove child protection issues but doesn't sound like she's that keen anyway!

startingagain88 · 16/05/2012 21:46

A 24 yr old? Has he got a friend for me! :)

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 21:50

Oooh starting - that would annoy twunt!!!

Original poster

cwtchy · 16/05/2012 21:57

Ok so no point in me making a song and dance about OW then.

Good god, this man really does only care about himself. Do men ever come around from this? I'm in so so much pain, but know I will be alright in the end. He will have to carry the guilt of abandoning his wife and kids forever.

The 24 year old is friend's of my SIL. I met him on a night out a few weeks ago and we were in agreement that we fancied each other very much :) I love the thought of being " comforted" by a youngster, like a story in the Sun!

On a more depressing note, I got caught out today when the song from our first dance at our wedding came on the radio. Stand by Me. What a joke

OP posts:

Original poster

cwtchy · 16/05/2012 21:58

Is friend's of? Sorry for my tipsy grammar

OP posts:

midwife99 · 16/05/2012 22:01

Listen love, you have a 24 year old hunk gagging for you. It won't take away the hurt but it'll damn well help. [jealous] Your ex is a selfish twunt & always will be I'm afraid. Most men seem to divorce their kids to a greater or lesser extent when they divorce their wives.

Original poster

cwtchy · 16/05/2012 23:23

The thought that is driving me insane is that they might actually stay together long term. I would find that so hard. We were together so long, it has always been US, you know? We were the couple everyone looked up to, we would always be together

I suppose once I eventually detach from him I won't care. But I still can't believe this is happening to me.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/05/2012 00:13

I am so sorry, cwtchy x

midwife99 · 17/05/2012 04:21

Hugs

Mimishimi · 17/05/2012 05:10

I haven't read through the whole thread (just the first post really and this last page) but just wanted to say that denying your ex access to the children if OW is around may not be such a good idea. Leaves them free to have a good time IYKWIM. The more she sees of his kids, the more it will play on her conscience that he had a family and that he could easily do it to her as well. Or if she doesn't have a conscience, she would probably feel annoyed by having them around. From what I've read though, I wouldn't have him back regardless if the new relationship did not last.

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