Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Yes put yourself & DCs first - it's not your fault. How can you have known there were problems unless he said so? Having an affair isn't going to improve things is it??! He's still an adulterous bastard at the end of the day. He deserves the car!!!!

Hey Cwtchy

Just popping in to see how you are. I hope you're OK.

Take care

B&A

Hi cwtchy hope you are doing ok, just wanted to let you know we are still here thinking about you!

I'm ok, thanks. Miserable, but ok. I'm putting his thoughts and feelings out of my m

Oops! On my phone and have fat fingers! As I was saying..
I'm putting any concerns about him out of my mind, have deleted him on Facebook and I'm just trying to look after myself. His actions are showing that he doesn't want to be with me so I have to get on with things, I guess. Have been roped into playing touch rugby on Sunday afternoons too, I've never played any form of rugby in my life!!

Hi cwtchy, just de-lurked to say the way you're dealing with things has been really impressive. Hope you're ok.
And touch rugby is really great exercise and fun, so have a ball.
Just run forwards and throw the ball backwards. Everything else is less important!

I shut down my facebook account. I couldn't bear seeing his new "friend" grinning at me from her photo and if I checked out what the DSDs were doing on facebook, there'd inevitably be something from him on there so I deleted myself!

I don't know much about touch rugby but getting out and doing new things really does help in the end. Even when you have one of those "can't be arsed to go to touch rugby" days - force yourself - you'll feel better for it.

And that's the bit that sucks - you will find that you are forcing yourself to do a lot of things over the coming months: eating the right kind of food, not drinking too much alcohol(!), smiling, keeping your chin up, going out, sorting out the house, throwing out ALL of his stuff, talking to solicitors and filling in the bloody Form E amongst a load of other things. Yet I am convinced that it's the women who force themselves to create their new lives and deal with this heartbreak head on who are the ones that end up with rich new lives brimming with new opportunities.

Telling yourself that doesn't necessarily make it any easier but knowing that you have the strength to keep going every day and that you can recognise that there are some good bits of the day does help.

How are you doing cwtchy are you ok, you've gone quiet ?

Hiya cwtchy how did the rugby go yday? Hope you had fun (and no damage!)

marriage over marriage schmover. It is far too soon to tell, so stay calm.

He is not with OW because OW is irrelevant. There is a REASON that only 3% of these slags who-know-he-is-married-but work out, and that is because they are a fantasy. You burst his bubble good and proper when you outed them...

The issue is the immature way he handled life's frustrations and disappointments.

Please stay calm dignified and uninvolved, and allow him to live his consequences (car, without his home, without his children, disapproval of friends). As his hormones fizzle away and life in the car gets worse and worse, he will have to start looking at a couple of things....

THEN and only then, discuss what you are going to do about it. If he wants to come back home, and you still love him/believe it's best for the kids, then crawling over broken glass in the form of counselling is a MUST.

PS we are still together, if you want to PM.

Hi everyone. I've had a rough few days and haven't felt like posting.

The anger has started. In fact it is boiling over and raging! I have sent some very vicious and very personal texts to H. I also sold his beloved, beloved Xbox and then gleefully told him I had spent the money on some clothes to wear out to find a new and better man.

Unfortunately he retaliated by taking the tv and my iPad. My iPad with all my electronic life open, logged in and available for him to read/delete/abuse whatever. For the first time in my life I think, I couldn't contain my rage and it resulted in me being driven by my lovely SIL to the OWs house at midnight...I got the iPad back.

We have since spoken and agreed to call a truce on the selling/stealing of items. I almost rung the police but I don't want to mess up his job as he won't be able to give me any money.

All that drama has exhausted me, and set me back in how I was coping with it all. Most of yesterday was spent crying hard. Not so bad today, but I have an awful sick feeling in my stomach again. I'm taking abitwobbly's advice and from now on remaining calm, dignified, uninvolved. I will move on and leave behind all this crappiness.

Sorry you had a crap few days. You needed to get angry though.

As for being dignified - fake it when he is around, nothing will rile him more than seeing you looking content and calm

Start doing nice things for yourself - a haircut, new clothes, outings with friends etc and you will start to feel better about yourself.

Hey cwtchy - anger can be therapeutic & you NEEDED to show some rage & of course you will be upset. Hopefully OW feels like a complete skank after being faced with you & SIL! Now you can move forward & be calm & say good riddance to old rubbish. I agree - cool detachment in his ex's presence, pins in voodoo doll of said twunt in private until you no longer have any feelings towards him at all & he can no longer hurt you. That's a nice place to be in & will come with time.

GO NO CONTACT.

You MUST go no contact. Do not contact him in any way, shape or form. Live AS THOUGH you are on your own.

Leave them together, wallowing in their beautiful, beautiful...

The issue is, they don't actually know eachother and at this moment he is not much fun to be around. TIME is this wonderful thing. They will get to really irritate eachother, and realise they are strangers.

And they can't do that if they are allied against your texts and actions, do you see?

I am happy to confirm I am going no contact.

That's so right abitwobbly, at the moment they have a nice common bond in being against me. They can't do that if I'm silent :)

If he can get a relationship going whilst he's living in his car with only 1 black bag of clothes, missing his kids, guilt over the state of me, working overtime every hour he has spare to pay for our mortgage AND somewhere else to live - I'll eat my iPad. He couldn't even keep this relationship going.

Hello, I have also been reading your thread

I feel so sad, have a lump in my throat at what you have been through, and for your DC

I also think you are fucking AWESOME, your strength and intelligence shines through

I?ll bet any money in a month or so he will try and come back too

All my luck and love, and I could not read this and not post

I hope happiness and peace comes your way in super fast time

I found no contact worked for me. I ended up having no contact with ex for years apart from doorstep civility when handing over DD. It drove him NUTS that I wouldn't respond to nasty texts & emails. In fact I changed my email address & landline number & only let him have a mobile number in case of emergency when he had DD. I deleted his texts unread & felt much better as a result. I agree that ex & ow will have nothing to gang up about if you withdraw. Well done cwtchy - you are fab!!

I have just set up the ironing board to iron the DCs clothes. I can't find the iron.

Surely he hasn't taken it? I can't text him to ask this, can I? I have school uniform to iron, FFS.

Damp them and pop them in the dryer then hang them up - wont be perfect but will do xxx

And no you cant ask him - just assume he has and borrow/buy one tomorrow

Surely it must be here somewhere. Why on earth would he take that. My mothers bringing hers down in the morning with her, she's babysitting for me to work.

You're amazing. I've lurked this thread all the way and am in awe of you and the wonderful women supporting you.

Anyway, I just had to post to remind you, you can use the same app you caught the cheating bastard with to remotely lock or delete your iPad. Just in case he manages to nick it again.

You're so much better off.

Thanks jaffacakeeater. I am, at this precise moment, eating a Jaffa cake

What a bastard he is

Oh I wish I had jaffa cakes. I deliberately keep no snacks in the house because I have an evening snacking problem....