Am I fighting for my marriage or begging?

[cwtchy]

I've been with my DH 14 years, and married for 5 of them. We have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Things haven't been great for a while as often happens with 2 babies, but DH also works shifts and I work on his days off, which means we have had almost zero time to ourselves since the DCs were born.

DH has told me this week he doesn't love me anymore and it's the end of our marriage.

I'm bloody devastated. I love him as I've always done and was looking forward to our youngest starting nursery this sept so we could have more time together - I was so looking forward to that. He says however that it's gone on too long for him and the love just isn't there any more for him.

I don't want to just let him go, and have told him exactly how I feel, asked him to come to counselling with me, asked for the separation to be a trial one. But he is refusing and says he doesn't want to drag the pain out for me. Should I be trying everything to keep him, or do I deserve better and let him get on with it? I just feel like he hasn't even tried. We used to have such a fantastic relationship. I don't want to beg someone to stay with me who doesn't love me. But I also want to fight for what we had.

Girl power a la Beyonce in abundance!!!

Hey there Cwtchy, how's it going with you? Sorry I've not checked in lately but I'm working my arse off and eating it on, if see you what I mean! Am going away tomorrow - hooray - a few days in the sun (I hope!) and will check in when I'm back.

So, most importantly, how are you? I hope you're OK and that you're managing to make some progress in the right direction.

Take care

B&A x

How's it going cwtchy?

I have just read the thread, I am so sorry and concerned you have not been back in contact.

Hope you are holding up ok

xx

Not a fantastic few days for me, to be honest. I've been trying no contact as much as possible. I did have a chat with him this week though, as we were a month in to him leaving. He told me he is "in a relationship" now, and he would like to still be friends with me. He's apparently only known the girl properly for 8 weeks.

I went out with his dad and stepmother for lunch today; it was his stepmothers birthday. He wasn't thrilled that I was invited and not him. I handed the kids over to him this morning before I went, told him what he needed to know and that I wasn't sure when the meal would be finished. Because I didn't want to chat with him he started shouting and swearing at me!

He then rang as the main course was being served, asking when I would be back. I said I wasn't sure, because I wasn't! Again more shouting, and said he was taking the kids to OWs house and I would have to come and pick them up. Obviously spoilt the rest of the meal, I was very upset and had to be taken home. I had a panic attack :( I was so concerned for the kids as it would be late before they could be collected, they had no coats or anything with them. My sister in law went to collect them. They had spent the day with their dad and his new "friend".

I should also point out that I had agreed DCs could meet OW, but didn't realise it would be today. I want them to sleep over at her house, for two reasons. Mainly because the kids feel abandoned by him. DD said this week "I haven't got a daddy any more". But also to put pressure on their amazing new relationship.

He's also been ranting at his dad today, saying that I'm turning everyone against him and they are all taking my side. This is rubbish. I've bagged all his stuff, and it's nicely stored in the garage. His dad has lent him his car, and money to get his own serviced so it can be sold. I've been sending him photos of the kids. Nobody has even spoken to him this week!

Well I feel better for getting all that down. Can a man have a midlife crisis at 34? And why the hell is this OW getting herself involved in all this crap? Ugh. Time for bed.

Attack is the best form of defence & he's attacking you because he knows he's do damn wrong he can't stand it! Even his family are refusing to be unkind to you. The kids can't be having a very nice time in his company if he spends that time shouting at you!! What a twunt!

Cheeky selfish fucker.

Expecting you both to be friends when he has run off with OW and getting angry with you because you are refusing to bend over backwards to accommodate him.

At least his family has witnessed some of this awful behaviour and know its him and not you who is being difficult.

The anger is because he is unable to face what he has done so has to make you the scapegoat. Do not stand for this - you have done nothing wrong.

Its not a mid life crisis - he is making these choices because he is selfish and entitled.

Thinking about you, Cwtchy... How are things going?

cwtchy -you could make yourself mad wondering why he is behaving this way. You loved him and stopping caring about someone does not happen overnight.

Alternating between hate because of his attacks and what he is putting your children through and concern because he seems 'not himself' is a normal problem. His self pitying behaviour and claims of victimisations are also inclined to make you try and appease sometimes. Don't think about him. Think about you and your DC. That's your main focus now. You have to get through the next few months and onto your new road in life. You need to ditch him as baggage.

His awful behaviour can only affect you for so long and then even if it continues it will effect you less and less.

He is angry, isnt he, because he doesnt take responsibility for himself, and he is therefore not delighted to see his family imply disapproval of his actions through support of you. Also, this shows his selfishness.

He is also angry with you because by being his friend he would get to feel less guilty, could tell himself he had not behaved that badly, and also possibly in the longer term continue to get from you some of the support he always got. It would also, from his perspective, take the family spotlight off him.

Of course, you know he is a liar, including by omission, and failing to mention or prepare you for the introduction to OW (about which you are right, I think, and very mature) is an example of his continued double dealings. Nice way to treat someone whose friendship he is seeking. And, as usual, failing to have any natural concern for your feelings, despite the position in which he has left you.

I dont doubt you are by now wondering what you ever saw in him, now you see how he is capable of behaving.

8 weeks - aaah, isn't that beautiful. Such love, it couldn't be denied! It was Meant To Be and he has never felt this way before, nobody has ever Understood him like this...

[cue violins]

Except, it is all a load of hormone induced delusion. 8 weeks and he is 'in a relationship'!
Oh he is so going to fall on his ass when the shine wears of her brand new twat and the wonderfulness of her immature selfish self absorbed personality can't be denied any more...

Stay calm cwtchy, tiiiiiiime is on your side, consequences just are such a bitch. In all things. Just stay calm, and stay away.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.com/imgres?q=worlds+tiniest+violin&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=546&tbm=isch&tbnid=9_Nr3IwFq3-6VM:&imgrefurl=blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/injustice/&docid=NEVDWxTk8n-QhM&imgurl=blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/EiG4DEBVenvq4meyY17CxWJ6o1_400.jpg&w=320&h=240&ei=8diwT4XaC8aj8QOr-8WvCQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=265&vpy=2&dur=110&hovh=192&hovw=256&tx=168&ty=122&sig=109167968541079330033&page=1&tbnh=151&tbnw=224&start=0&ndsp=8&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:78" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">for your pathetic husband

Wish I could play the violin, I could stand outside her house and serenade them....

I'm not in contact with him now, apart from a 5-10 min chat when he drops the kids off. I'm trying to keep it pleasant because I don't want him to change his mind about me getting all the equity from the house! I have been haggling with the estate agents, but have got the contracts to drop off this morning. The buyers I mentioned a while back haven't appeared yet, I would imagine they are waiting for me to sign .

H is looking at houses about 20 mins away, to rent. He is starting his new shift pattern at the end of this week, so we will be working out when he will have the kids very soon. He will not take them to OWs house to stay overnight, as it is apparently "difficult".

I've been signed off work for 2 weeks too, and they are being so supportive, which is giving me a bit of breathing space to get my head together. My HR boss has been through a very similar thing 18 months ago and has offered to chat with me, which would be really helpful I think.

Oh and I had a lovely visit to the Clarins counter this weekend, and bought lots of lovely new skin care stuff! I have spots and dry skin and wrinkles, which is Not Good. This is all in the theme of looking after myself, rather than obsessing about what my twat of a husband is up to.

Of course it's difficult. She doesn't want the REALITY that he has a complicated life inextricably tied in with others to cloud her beautiful, beautiful, does she?

Selfish, immature - that is what screams out. 'When someone takes your husband, the best revenge is letting her keep him'.

I think we should keep a book. On how soon the shine wears off her twat this beautiful love will last.

I give it a few £££££ short at the end of the month, that's stressfull, living on your own and missing your wife's meals, that's also stressful. Oh, and having to buy the cleaning stuff and clean your own skidmarks and wash your stuff. That's a bit niggly. Realising how much it costs to fit out a house. Hmmmm! Mum and Dad's disapproving looks. That can't feel like much fun. The silent evenings watching telly when twat has to do something and so can't be buried into. That silence reminds you of uncomfortable inner emptiness, doesn't it? And then.... hearing 'Daddy' in the back on ones head. Hearing them call.
Now that one: that is agony.

OK: any advances on 3 months?!??

He is following the path of another posters husband solost. Stubborn this one. I give it 6-12 but it will happen. Inb4 nervous breakdowns.

HOP, that is very true

There will be a "mental health" episode very soon. A flat trashed, a car crashed, looking unkempt, alternate "I'm better without you/please take me back I loved you all along" bull shit, letting the kids down because he can

it's all there....in the cheating-but will deny it-to-the-death script

Cwtchy, I've not posted on this thread for a while but have been reading your updates. You sound lovely and it's good to hear you have treated yourself to some skin care stuff to give you a boost. LOVE Clarins moisturiser Wrinkles schminkles, it's character. But you really do deserve some special treatment after his fuckwittage.

Yes cwtchy pamper pamper pamper!!

He's been seen in our village today. Has he called in to see the kids? Has he fuck.

He got his mother to ring me yesterday as he was so concerned at the amount of weight I have lost. Really? So concerned he is still screwing someone else. His mother is completely enabling him, doing his washing, chatting to him every night. I'd rather he was getting the emotional support there than from OW though, I suppose.

AF, I totally expect something to be trashed in the next few months. If it hasn't been already without my knowledge. Hopefully it will occur in full view of OW!

Abitwobbly, love the thought of taking bets on this! I might set up a sweepstake with my friends. Surely, surely nobody can walk out of a 14 year relationship and straight into another successful one. I know I couldn't.

the shiny new fuck relationship will limp along for a while, I expect

then he'll be back

i hope you are strong enough when it happens

Haven't posted on this thread for a while but....8 weeks my arse. He was having an affair a lot longer ago than that, wasn't he?

By his reckoning then, this affair was only 2 weeks old when he ended his marriage?

Yeh right, because people always do that don't they?

Keep pampering yourself cwtchy and yes be prepared for the 'I was a fool and blinded by lust' speech when this affair goes tits up. Don't ever fall for it.

Of course it won't last. You however will get over him, get your own place, have some time alone & then when you're ready have a successful REAL relationship based on honesty & trust!

Well done for the pampering - the better you feel about yourself, the stronger you will feel.

I've had a thought. I might write a letter to their bosses letting them know about this affair, anonymously. He is in a position of authority over her, so they may want to know about this, no? At the very least they should be put on opposite rotas - their job has psychologically matched the teams so that they work well together under stress.

He would go mental. Ha ha. If they were on opposite rotas he would never see her. What with having the kids on his days off, and working overtime to pay for his new bachelor pad and maintenance.