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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Considering leaving before I die of boredom

140 replies

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 18:30

This is ridiculous. It's like a midlife crisis. We have 2 preschool children. Dh is a great father. He is a good man, done nothing wrong (except have a bit of a porn habit). Sex life is non-existant. I'm so fucking bored though. We rub along but I don't think we really enjoy each others' company.

I ask him to do stuff but it often doesn't get done. I have no life/hobbies (but a good job). I have loads of good friends but babysitting is tricky so I don't spend time with DH or many other people socailly.

I'm going to put the kids to bed.

Will be back in a bit.

TIA

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 27/03/2012 18:33

You need hobbies and a life. You are bored with your life, not your dh - get a life before you get rid of the good guy and the good father (if indeed he is a good guy as I'm not in favour of porn habits, but that's your call)

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 18:39

You might be bored because you have nothing to talk with him about. How can you share your life stories with him when you feel that you have no life?

Is there a hobby you could pick up at home together? My Husband and I fill our time together by philosophising, putting the world to rights or just talking about stupid stuff like what our dream house would be like. He's good at drawing so he always draws up little plans for it. We're even thinking of writing a story together.

Remember what you have in common and try to work from there. Try also to tell him a bit about how you feel and that you'd like to do more as a couple, even if it's doing something dumb.

All the best.

DinahMoHum · 27/03/2012 19:00

is it possible to take a short break away together without children and see how it feels without the restrictions and pressures of family life?

family life is pretty dull a lot of the time, but not really enjoying each others company needs to be worked on.

Proudnscary · 27/03/2012 19:15

Please don't end your marriage and disrupt your children's lives because you are bored.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 19:25

Thanks all. I think I do have things to talk about but he isn't particularly interested in current affairs or my job.

I think I do need hobbies but I don't really have any childcare. He does go to the gym whilst I'm at work - so he's ok.

I dont really want to disrupt anyones lives. I just don't think I can live the next 40 odd years with someone I get on ok with. I feel like he's a but of a third child.

These years are bound to be difficult. (and we're broke), but I am always wearing this heavy overcoat of dullness.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 19:26

As for going away together - we're supposed to be going away over Easter. I'm inclined to just go with the kids and see how we all feel after a break.

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RandomMess · 27/03/2012 19:27

Tell him to stop his porn habit and put that energy into your sex life would be a good start.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 19:31

How do you really stop some one doing that though? We have a laptop/iPhone each. I sometimes snoop and see he's got a clear browsing history. It's a dead giveaway.

Thing is - I just can't be arsed anymore. I don't find him particularly attractive anymore. It's all just so depressing.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 27/03/2012 19:34

I find 50% of family life boring to be honest but what can you do? Either accept it and work on your own hobbies etc or take steps to leave or seek help if it is your relationship that is really the issue.

I think you threw in the porn habit bit to sort of paint a bad picture of hubby and then maybe get the green light off people to do something about it.

Only you can make things happen but your children are part of the decision making process now.

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 19:35

Couple's therapy?

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 19:41

The porn habit is just what it is. I found out ages ago then it all went a but quiet. We had counselling at one point but surely you have to really want it to work?

There are just loads of minor irritations. There's lots of things that he would never do - violence/cheat etc he's got no temper. I'm not trying to paint him in a bad light.

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maleview70 · 27/03/2012 19:45

Fair enough. Me and my ex had counselling and it was no use. When it's gone it's gone. Maybe splitting would be the best option. Sounds like you just don't like him much at the moment.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 19:49

I don't really. I hate the thought of 'giving up' but otoh I have cried/whined/shouted about all this and nothing has really changed.

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LucyManga · 27/03/2012 19:51

Why were you attracted to him in the first place?

maleview70 · 27/03/2012 19:51

Its not a crime to feel like this. Plenty of people do. Just take your time with your decision but life is going to pass you by if you do nothing about it.

DinahMoHum · 27/03/2012 19:52

doesnt sound like youre particularly interested in each other anymore.
Do you love each other? Do you think its fixable? Do you want to be interested in him?

This sounds a bit more than simple boredom tbh.
Are there ather things you enjoy in your life, or do you think youre depressed?

WineGoggles · 27/03/2012 19:52

OP, if you concentrate on getting more from your own life, perhaps hobbies or interests, then maybe you'd be less bored and the two of you would have more to talk about? What interests him, and is there anything the two of you could do as a couple? Life can be boring if you let it.

Snowsister · 27/03/2012 19:55

I dont know op. How have you imagined life without him would be better?

Can you see yourself on your own with the kids for a while? Do you have the support you would need to go it alone? You say he is a good man, a good father and has done nothing wrong. I can only imagine how tough going it alone is when you are escaping a bad man, but it would be necessary. Only you can decide if this is necessary.

OneHandFlapping · 27/03/2012 20:01

Sorry I don't think you should look to your DH for excitement. Any relationship that is a few years old - at least, is past the romantic excitement stage.

WHy do you think life will be more exciting without him? Is it the excitement of new relationships you're after? If so, isn't that a bit shallow? And what happens when the new relationship becomes old and stale?

One things for sure, you will be a lot poorer if you break up the marriage. You need to be really sure it's what you want before destroying something that sounds basically good.

It might be better to work on your marriage. Talk to him. Go out together, with the children and without. Make plans. Read books, newspapers, journals. Get fit. Learn to scuba dive. or whatever.

He's not the problem. You are. And even if you leave him, you'll still be trapped in yourself.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:02

I'll try and answer the questions honestly...

I was attracted to him as I wanted stability, children... to settle down. So did he.

I honestly don't know if I do love him. I spend much of my time with the children anyway, so it might not look that different day to day (he works odd shifts). I do have some support, but that would go if we separated as it's from his family. It is a bit hit and miss. ILs are unreliable. They offered to have the kids for us last year so we could go away. I never thought it would happen, and they ended up cancelling on us anyway (luckily before anything was booked).

I like the idea of having 'stuff to do' - but if I don't have the funds/childcare then I'm a bit stuck.

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Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:04

OneHand - I don't think life would be more exciting. I think it would be hard.

And actually I would be better off financially, but that's beside the point.

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Snowsister · 27/03/2012 20:13

So you were attracted to him because you wanted the same things. Good reason to get togther, but now you have them what do you think comes next?

Being with the kids all day on your own is not the same as being a single parent. If you think you have no time to do "stuff" now then what would it be like after a split?

Its a big decision, you need to give it proper thought.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:16

I know how it sounds - I know I got what we both wanted.

I'm not on my own with the DC all day (I work pt) but he works late shifts so we don't really cross over much.

I was just responding to posters suggesting we should do stuff together (or on my own).

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VanderElsken · 27/03/2012 20:19

The best book on this subject in my view is Too Bad to Stay Too Good to Leave by Mira Kirshenbaum. If you are stuck in ambivalence if pushes you out of it by providing a pretty rigorous checklist and diagnosis of what you would be happiest doing. Try and read it honestly without pushing for a certain outcome and you may be surprised with the result.

The other thing I would always ask in such circumstances is whether or not you have recently become attracted or attractive to someone else or had your own infidelity, as if that's the case it should be addressed alongside any feelings of boredom that have sprung up.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:22

Thanks - i will look at that book.

Nope - no-one else remotely near by. I don't even want to be with anyone else. My DC don't need another father; I don't need another husband.

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