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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Considering leaving before I die of boredom

140 replies

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 18:30

This is ridiculous. It's like a midlife crisis. We have 2 preschool children. Dh is a great father. He is a good man, done nothing wrong (except have a bit of a porn habit). Sex life is non-existant. I'm so fucking bored though. We rub along but I don't think we really enjoy each others' company.

I ask him to do stuff but it often doesn't get done. I have no life/hobbies (but a good job). I have loads of good friends but babysitting is tricky so I don't spend time with DH or many other people socailly.

I'm going to put the kids to bed.

Will be back in a bit.

TIA

OP posts:

Snowsister · 27/03/2012 20:24

Well you both work, you have young dc and dont get much cross over time. Its hard to keep the spark and excitement going in that scenario.

I agree with other posters who say that you need to carve out some time for each other. Unless you have your eye on someone else op?

Snowsister · 27/03/2012 20:24

ach x posted. ignore the last Q then!

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:27

I was attracted to him as I wanted stability, children... to settle down. So did he.

You don't love or even like this man. That was never a real relationship to being with - there has never been any love or desire there. You settled, basically. Being with a man just because he's a good man is not enough.

You both got a good thing out of it - your children. But bringing up children to think that this is what a relationship is like is no good. Get out. As kindly as possible, but get out.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:27

I do see the point about spending time together.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2012 20:28

to be fair it's not true that you'd have less time as a single parent because he'd have them for some of the time.

obviously give it a lot of time and thought but splitting up with someone because you don't love them or want to be with them anymore is not a crime. can you talk to him about this honestly and see what he says? do you know how he feels?

Swed · 27/03/2012 20:28

I've always thought women don't leave men who are good fathers.

Is he erm, boring?

V sorry you are so fed up.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:30

Distance - It was a relationship. I don't think it's fair to say there was no love or desire there.

We didn't rush into it - but who knew what the future would bring? I might have settled; but I am just pretty confused at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:32

I will talk to him (although this isn't the first time).

He's very pragmatic and thinks it'll sort itself out when the DCs are a bit older and we have a bit more independence.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:32

You say that what attracted you about him is that "you wanted stability". What about HIM attracted you? Would another man who wanted to settle down have done just as well?

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:34

Would you be with him if it wasn't for the children?

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:34

Good question - He was sweet and kind. (Still is). I didn't just settle for anyone. I did turn other people down IYKWIM. We wanted the same things.

OP posts:

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:35

No - I don't think I would be with him if it wasn't for the children.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:36

Then I think you should focus on what attracted you to him to begin with - why you fell in love with him.

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:37

If there really isn't anything there, then I don't think you should remain in an unhappy relationship. Because what you now have is not a happy relationship.

And I do think that children should see that their parents are happy in their lives to go on to be happy themselves.

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:39

Ironically both our parents have good marriages.

I think I just need a break. I don't want to make a rash decision, but I can't think positively about our future and our relationship ATM

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 27/03/2012 20:40

Is he not home in the evening/weekends so that you can get a hobby? I do karate on a Monday night, choir on a Wednesday night and go out running a couple of mornings a week before the family wakes up, plus another run at the weekend.

I'm in much the same position as you in that my DH is dull as dishwater when it comes to having a life outside the home, and I did briefly consider whether I wanted to stick with him long-term.

But I do love him, I do enjoy our life together, I just need to have my own life away from him and the DDs, so I have my hobbies.

Is there any real reason why you can't get out and indulge your own interests a few times a week?

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:43

He's at home 1 afternoon at the weekend, and one evening during the week. He goes out to the gym on that night (with my blessing as he sees his mates too).

I could go out and do something on the one weekend afternoon we have as a family, but I couldn't do the one thing I want to do because of logistics/finances. Nothing to do with the relationship.

God I'm boring myself just writing that.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 27/03/2012 20:44

Of course it's not an overnight decision, and getting away to clear your thoughts is certainly a good idea.

I do think you should say something to your DH. In the best case scenario, maybe he'll surprise you (perhaps he feels similarly to you). And in any case, I think it's only fair to bring up the issue in some way.

lizzywig · 27/03/2012 20:46

My parents are very different people, my Dad very sociable and lots of friends and out all the time, my mum just a few friends, loves gardening and computers. That's how they make it work, they accept who they are and do what they love to do. So have a think and ask yourself what you want to do!

Sounds like you've got a good man (although I would kick the porn habit), maybe he's bored too (hence the porn)?? Maybe talk about it, tell him you want to do different things.

DH and I have just had a baby and we're learning all about not doing the things you want to do and all about our new life. Now DD is 4.5mo we are just starting to make some us time again, we arrange a sitter once a month (whether it's night or day) for a few hours and do something. Then once a month he has a night out and so do I (seperately) and then once a month we are going to do a dining in night (three course meal, get dressed up, have some wine...). If we did not do these things we would go crazy. You need to mix things up a bit.

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2012 20:47

do you know it just sounds impossible with his work pattern - that isn't a work pattern that a family can survive realistically. you're worse off than a single parent in some ways (unless like me their child's father never sees them) because they get time off.

is there any way your partner can change his work?

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:52

Lizzy - it sounds like you have a good set up.

Ours is a bit ridiculous isn't it? On the flip side, he looks after the DCs one day a week whilst I'm at work.

It's be good to change his work but jobs are a bit scarce and he doesn't have any qualifications.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 27/03/2012 20:52

Wow, no wonder you're bored and frustrated. It's not about him, it's about you never getting a break or time to yourself. Like SAf said, that wouldn't sustainable for me in the long term. Is there any way he could change his schedule?

mercibucket · 27/03/2012 20:54

Don't rush - when the kids are young it is hard but you soon start to get your life back. Wait til then and then decide. But in the meantime, I think you need to schedule some sex! Have a night a week at least set aside and both make an effort. It's hard to feel close when not physicaLly close imo - not impossible but it doesn't help

Original poster

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/03/2012 20:56

Eugh - I don't have it in me at the moment. It'd either mean him waking me up when he gets home from work, or setting an alarm in the morning.

I have no libido ATM anyway.

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swallowedAfly · 27/03/2012 21:02

he needs a change of job - even an agreement that he needs a change of job would be a start you know?

how can you tell what your marriage is like or whether you love him or whether you're bored of him or life or not having a life etc etc when you're living like this?

it's not a marriage really is it - you're like childcarers on an alternating shift pattern.

you say you have a good job - i wonder if whether with more support from him you could earn more? as in maybe there's a way for you to earn more and him to work less/change jobs in such a way as to be able to do more of the childcare? if you could save on childcare and find a way for you to earn more maybe you could afford for him to work part time/less shifts and have more time together?

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