Considering leaving before I die of boredom

[IllegitimateGruffaloChild]

This is ridiculous. It's like a midlife crisis. We have 2 preschool children. Dh is a great father. He is a good man, done nothing wrong (except have a bit of a porn habit). Sex life is non-existant. I'm so fucking bored though. We rub along but I don't think we really enjoy each others' company.

I ask him to do stuff but it often doesn't get done. I have no life/hobbies (but a good job). I have loads of good friends but babysitting is tricky so I don't spend time with DH or many other people socailly.

I'm going to put the kids to bed.

Will be back in a bit.

TIA

Do you mean, just to clarify, you only see him one night a week (in which he goes out anyway) and only one afternoon on the weekend?

If this is the case, and I find it quite astonishing if it is, then no wonder you are bored, you don't have any time together whatsoever.

Even if you filled the rest of your life with exciting hobbies and an interesting job, you would still be missing that fundamental connection, because it only happens if you are together at the same time, doing activities, or watching a movie, or lying in bed chatting.

Perhaps this is not the case, but if it is, that rather changes the mid-life crisis advice I was about to give. If it is, you are married to a workaholic and without that changing, you will remain frustrated and bored at the lack of priority you hold in his life (I hope I'm wrong or have misunderstood).

We did look at that (me working FT and him being a SAHD); we're almost past the point of crippling childcare costs though.

I don't know if it would work in reality. I'd also miss the DCs and resent the fact I'd be working FT (I know how that sounds). On the day that he has them it's good fun but nothing really gets 'done'. I'd get even more cross about working FT then still having to clean the toilet!

Yep - you're correct mumsy. He's not a workaholic. It's a blue collar job with 5x10hr shifts plus overtime.

something has to give. it is totally unsustainable. you can't build your own life because he's never there to have the kids and you can't have a life with him because he's never there. so you're basically stuck on your own with the kids all the time despite being married. can understand why you are deeply dissatisfied. does he not see that this is no way to live? what are his feelings on it all?

Swallowed - you're spot on.

As for what he thinks - it's like a set of circumstances that are difficult to change.

It's great for childcare, and it is reliable employment. He doesn't really have the get-up-and-go to do much else and I'm not up for supporting him whilst he retrains.

Yes, but Illegitimate, on the only night you have together in the entire week, he goes out with his friends! You have no time together as a couple, none. One tired afternoon is nothing.

My husband has workaholic tendencies, and I also work pretty hard myself, but you have to make time for each other, sustained time where you do stuff with the family, and do stuff just the two of you. You don't have any of this, so no wonder you are bored, fed up and wondering if this is what it is all about.

I could give you lots of advice like focusing on your own career, or getting hobbies, but I do believe there's a minimum amount of time you have to be together in an average week, different for different people, but much much more than you are spending together. My husband lives away for work, and even we see each other more than that. You don't have one night in together in the entire week.

I'm not sure why you think this is normal, I have plenty of friends whose husbands work incredibly long hours all week, but even they get the weekends to have some time together or a date night or something, anything!

One night that he goes to the gym and sees his mates - the other night he's here.

I don't really think it is normal. I just don't really know what to do about it.

id suggest getting some relationship counselling on your own, to find out what you really do want.
being unsatisfied with a lifeless relationship, isnt the same as feeling a bit bored. You need to work out what it is youre actually feeling

Do you think DH feels the same? How would you feel if he did?

I'd suggest loads of sex to get a reconnection going.

Um - can't get counselling alone very easily (money/childcare)

weevil - as I said, I think DH is a bit more black and white. easily satisfied (?)

Sex - not really.

Why is your sex life the way it is? Is it mutual celibacy or is one of you hurting from being too many times rejected?

Nope - just 2 babies. Knackered and never see each other.

I just can't be bothered. I don't really fancy him any more.

Ok, fling this in.

What if he sat you down and said 'I'm really sorry but I'm finding our marriage boring now and I want to leave so that I can be with somebody I have more of a connection with, like Doreen from accounts for instance'

How would you feel if it came from him?

I only ask because I hit a v boring patch with DP, and when I got the courage up to say that I wasn't happy, he said he wasn't happy either which turned my attitude around immediately. No great drama, we just agreed to work on staying together.

It was only when we discussed the possibility of splitting up that I realised I really did want to stay and work at it.

Sometimes you have to bring things to a head to crystalise your feelings.

OP, your marriage sounds a bit like mine a few years ago, when my kids were small. Now they are both a year either side of ten and we are splitting. I was terrified of making this happen and can't believe it is, but it's much better than it was in limbo-land, when I felt I had nothing to look forward to but didn't have either the strength to end it or the motivation or means to change it.

Real terror for me was screwing up the kids, but they seem fine, so far, though it's early days. I'm sure there are hard times ahead, but feel more optimistic about the future nonetheless.

I find the comment someone made about thinking no-one left a man who was a good father really depressing. My husband is a great father. But I am not a great mother living miserably with him and my kids deserve better. He will still be a great father when we no longer live together.

I have thought about that - I just don't know.

In the meantime I have just had very long text conversation (he can't speak on the phone whilst at work). He usually 'checks in' to ask if we're all OK. I said No actually - I said I'm unhappy and have been for a long time. I've said I need a break.

Irony is that I don't think he can reply at present so there'll be no real time to talk any time soon.

Oh just got a reply... Apparently we have some childcare at the weekend now (bet his Mum enjoyed that call at this time of night). He's going to do some DIY i asked him about too.

It's like a sticking plaster though.

Was there a 'final straw' Lizzie?

I actually think a man deserves better than to be with someone who feels so flat.

I have just said thanks for sorting that out, but that it doesn't really help with the porn problem though.

Bit below the belt but fuck it.

Texting is NOT the way to have a make or break conversation. It also sounds like you are now trying to provoke him a little, by texting provocative things when he can't really reply, perhaps looking for some more dramatic response. I think I would leave this for now and have some long conversations on the weekend. There's nothing wrong with telling him that you hate his porn habit, or you are bored, or you would like XYZ to happen. But it all sounds a bit nasty but not going anywhere (is it about porn or DIY or not being listened to/respected?)

Have you been to your GP? You sound depressed (no sex drive, flat, bored with everything etc) might not actually be all to do with your DH?

I know texting isn't ideal - as I say he can't talk ATM.

I'm not trying to have a 'make or break' conversation, but I do want to provoke him into action. I want him to know that this is a shitty situation.

I've just come off AD's (the irony)

I think they've covered up a problem for a long time actually.

Hi OP, do bear in mind that withdrawal from ADs is a very powerful and negative experience for a lot of people and can cause depression in and of itself. Also, please don't have that conversation over text, it's important enough to make time for in the coming weeks face to face or if that's impossible, a long heartfelt letter. Those sorts of texts just seem passive-aggressive and manipulative and I would hate to be on the receiving end of that in a relationship.

It sounds to me like you deep down are not prepared to make any more effort on your part to improve the relationship and are trying to get support for your leaving. I would ask if the relationship was ever very good? If it wasn't then any expectation that it will suddenly become very good is flawed. Why would it if even at its best it never was? I would also ask if you are prepared to give more than you are giving at the moment? If not, likewise, it probably won't have any potential for improvement.

Personally I would think very carefully about whether your feeling of flatness could be connected to being withdrawn from a very powerful psychopharmaceutical agent and certainly at the very least consider counselling for you and him.

I think the withdrawal is ongoing.

I know it sounds as if I won't make the effort. I think I'm just shattered. I really lack the time/energy to do more than I am.

By this I mean the majority of the childcare/finances. I work in a caring profession, so I have little left in reserve. DH does do some housework and food shopping tough.

I don't think I'm trying to get support for leaving. Lets face it - if my mind was made up there'd be no point posting. I think it's interesting to hear points of view because it's such a huge thing to consider.

The Text thing has become more 'normal' in our relationship than most as otherwise there is no communication for long periods. I do understand that it doesn't seem very nice though.

I need to go to bed now but will be back tomorrow. Thanks for all input so far.

Sorry IGC, I wasn't being judgmental as it sounds, I was asking about effort not because I think you should put more in, but because if someone says, 'No, I'm out, I just can't imagine a scenario where I'm prepared to give more than I'm already giving,' that's usually a good indicator that the relationship's heading to death. In exhaustion and admitting of being spent we are often voicing having tried everything already.