Considering leaving before I die of boredom

[IllegitimateGruffaloChild]

This is ridiculous. It's like a midlife crisis. We have 2 preschool children. Dh is a great father. He is a good man, done nothing wrong (except have a bit of a porn habit). Sex life is non-existant. I'm so fucking bored though. We rub along but I don't think we really enjoy each others' company.

I ask him to do stuff but it often doesn't get done. I have no life/hobbies (but a good job). I have loads of good friends but babysitting is tricky so I don't spend time with DH or many other people socailly.

I'm going to put the kids to bed.

Will be back in a bit.

TIA

I can empathise with boredom, the feeling of 'is this as good as it gets', but feel I need to mention that what I never appreciated, until it happened, was what a tower of strength my DH was when one of our children need to be hospitalised for 9 months. Up until then, our lives were ticking along, sometime plodding along, and yes, we have had counselling and read books on how to improve our relationship. But I know there is NO WAY I could have coped with this crisis. Add further crises involving teenagers, each with their own details that threatened to overwhelm me, but the logical, solid DH was there to provide such support (and love). And then 2 years ago my mother got really ill, unexpectedly, and we discovered her illness was the tip of an iceberg...and she died 2 years later. Again, I can say that I leaned on him (clung to him actually) and he willingly and wholeheartedly gave his never ending support.
SO, my thoughts are that maybe this IS as good as it gets, and we ride the ups and downs and plateaus of life. I'm 32 years married now, and I see age spots appearing on my skin, I see other signs of aging...and I see similar happening to him. I know that we want grow old together, and in order to do that, I need to find my own interests/hobbies, we need to continue to work on our marriage as our lives keeps changing as our family keeps evolving, even if it is sometimes the last thing I/we feel like doing. We know now that the slumps will lift.
I say all of this, as a possible aspect of a relationship that has weathered some trauma and heartbreak in the curveballs that I never knew were going to happen. I know others will arrive too. as that is what happens in life. And I now realize that I NEEDED my DH as, literally, my other half, in order to cope and maintain our family which we all so appreciate and value.

i think it's cruel to stay together when there is constant arguing and tension and atmospheres and children feeling stuck in the middle of a fucked up relationship (not saying that's the case here). in this instance i reckon it is definitely worth trying but yes a time limit may be a good idea - as in review how you feel in 6months, see if anything has actually changed or if it didn't really limp past the talking and ideas stage.

if you're still unhappy call it a day. it doesn't have to be traumatic or horrible and long term a marriage that isn't happy gets worse imo as resentment builds and the risks of cheating or picking fights etc rises.

as a child i used to wish my parents would divorce and put us all out of our misery. they never did and we went through utter hell with their marriage and fucked up dynamics that we had to live and breathe. they're still together now being miserable and sniping and treating and speaking to each other in toxic ways that now the grandchildren get to witness but thankfully from one step removed and with aware guardians interpreting the madness for them rather than being stuck in the thick of it with no alternative ways of living/thinking/loving etc offered up.

both my sister and i have ended up single parenting - her through divorce and me from the start as i didn't want to be with the guy who i got pregnant to and decided from the get go to do it alone rather than attempt a relationship i already knew wouldn't work. both of us are very ambiguous about relationships now and prone to see the end of the story before we even start when it comes to men and so back out early. i think when you've seen how fucked up relationships can be you have a sensitive radar for people's issues in relating and what they can look like further down the line. people who grew up in happy families (coupled or single) seem to have a lot clearer and simpler approach to loving - way less fears to trigger i guess.

imo a happy marriage, or a happy single set up is great for kids - either are preferable to being caught up in an unhappy and/or destructive relationship that you are powerless to affect yet totally affected by.

shadowland that makes a lot of sense.

i personally think that relationships are easier when you get together young and grow together. you're so used to each other and it's the fabric of your life and you've been through all the ups and downs and whatevers as a team. getting together with someone when you're older isn't as solid as that imo because you're a different kind of person if you've lived chunks of your life alone and got through big challenges solo and there's so much of you that someone can never know in a way.

i know people roll their eyes when youngsters get married but i often think they have more chance than most actually.

Yes to appreciating DH when things are really tough. He was brilliant after C sections and terrible newborn PND.

I remember reading on here that when things are awful, and you're knackered, speak to your other half as a work colleague. Ie be polite in order to get the job done. I don't mean that I follow this advice daily, but I do try not to say things I'll regret or just aren't true.

I know those houses where people should have split up years ago. Really sad. We aren't that couple. However we are in danger of it unless something changes.

Interestingly this morning I asked him to tell the nursery 2 things when dropping off the dc. He forgot. He then called when he realised - it was poo related, nothing earth shattering - but he just seems to have such a shit shit shit memory. It drives me insane.

Look, nobody is perfect. Christ, if I was living with someone who had a downer on me all the time and thought I had a shit shit memory cos I forgot something i would think they were a dissatisfied spoilt bullying idiot.

Ok thanks for that ike. Not sure if you've read all my posts.

The shit memory is at best irritating. Day in day out being responsible for everything and every decision is really wearing. I'm not his mother. Of course I'm not thinking he's awful and I must leave because he didn't tell the nursery DS hasn't had a poo yet. However, it is a constant point of disagreement. His memory is shit. He says it's shit. My problem is that I have to be in charge of everything - and j
Not sure that's what I signed up for.

I often feel this way in my relationship. I think a lot of people do,

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/25/mariella-frostrup-forgetful-chaotic-husband

Sometimes letting go of that expectation is the only course of action. Just try and not to control it but ensure he has to deal with any consequences. If, like my OH, he is someone who is very good in a crisis and appalling at any day to day organisation or administration, that may have to be something you either accept or look elsewhere. Once a woman beings to mother a man it's very difficult to retain sexuality and attraction. It's one of the reasons living apart can be a good thing, I think, because that mystery is allowed to be retained and someone's mess/impracticality/irresponsibility remains on their turf, rather than leaking into being your responsibility.

I think this is turning into a much more positive thread. No more hectoring from those who think it's outrageous to ever consider breaking up a family, and not much in the way of urging you to get out because you'll be screwing up your kids if you're not all over each other all the time...

You sound like you are reconsidering your dh's good qualities and thinking about how you can re-find your relationship. That's brilliant. I wish we had done that years ago.

You sound like you have a lot going for you as a couple that you can build on, hope you have a good weekend.

'Letting go of that expectation is the only course of action'. Mmm Maybe. I did ask what he actually did have in his head if it wasn't anything remotely useful. I think it's immature. Although if I wasn't here I guess he'd survive. I do know before I met him he was terribly in debt; shit with money and general organisation. Perhaps I took over too easily and 'relieved him' of responsibility? I do know he's happy for me to call the shots. If I said we need to make this £10 last until Tuesday (I never would 'tell' him what to do), he'd do it - with good grace too.

Great point though Vander - when you've gone through pregnancy, c-sections, BF etc it's difficult to have an air of mystique anymore!

Lizzie - I'm swinging between positivity and an impending sense of doom. I think the naysayers will continue to pop up - but I guess they're useful in their own spikey way. I think most of my MN bingo card is full. I think I just need 'sense of entitlement/feel sorry for your DCs' next...

When the kids were in bed I went out and bounced around on their trampoline. Dunno why that's significant - just felt very 'freeing' (especially without good underwear )

gruffalo my friend and I always say to each other 'we were sold a lie'

we flipping were as well

YES we were!!

I feel quite humbled reading some of the threads on here though,

yep a lot of the threads on here make me feel very, very lucky. the ways i've been screwed up at least don't include being screwed up in such a way that you accept an utterly shite relationship and put up with it come what may. imagine being someone who felt she had to put up with adultery, abuse, utter laziness, unwanted sex etc from a partner?

i'll stick with my independence/hermitty/trust issues thanks

agree with all the points about mothering - i can't imagine how one stays attracted to someone who forces you to treat them like a feckless child.

yay for bouncing on the trampoline gruffalo. you definitely need to have some fun.

OK - so this is quite frankly a self indulgent love-in of an update.

Family stepped up and had the DCs for us. We had THE TALK.

We have an idea about how to change some of the logistics.

DH is looking to change shift patterns/and or job (depending on work availability)

He's only going to the gym from now once I'm at work. This will leave the 2 evenings free. We're going to either get a babysitter and go out or make an effort to eat at the table with a proper dinner once DCs are in bed.

He did say he thought things could be better, but felt all the long hours were necessary for the future (we don't own a house yet). I also emphasised how little time I have for myself, and we need to make time for us (and me), by asking for more help from family/babysitters.

Went out shopping, had dinner, laughed ALOT. Proper belly laughing. Jeez I've really missed that. Came back and I jumped him

I didn't know I had it in me!

Anyway, it's all good. I was very aware of our shared history, how much we've gone through, and how well we get on when we're together.

I also didn't realise that he does have more of a grip on current affairs/my job than I gave him credit for.

That's all for now. Thank-you all for the advice. I'm off out again with my D H

ahhh! that's all good isn't it?

reckon you just needed to vent it all out and clear the air. so glad he 'gets' it and that you had a shag nice time together.

I'm so glad for you that you managed The Talk and it seems to have been really honest and open and you feel you have been really heard. In my experience, we have had many of those Talks and found them very necessary- essential actually - and it is those Talks that have kept us going, and will keep us going.
I read somewhere that a couple needs to have regular talks about their relationship, like a check-up type conversation, to try and ensure that both partners can have their say on how it is all going, and how they are feeling, to try and pre-empt any underlying resentment that can otherwise happen. I can see sense in that.
Good luck to you both!