Considering leaving before I die of boredom

[IllegitimateGruffaloChild]

This is ridiculous. It's like a midlife crisis. We have 2 preschool children. Dh is a great father. He is a good man, done nothing wrong (except have a bit of a porn habit). Sex life is non-existant. I'm so fucking bored though. We rub along but I don't think we really enjoy each others' company.

I ask him to do stuff but it often doesn't get done. I have no life/hobbies (but a good job). I have loads of good friends but babysitting is tricky so I don't spend time with DH or many other people socailly.

I'm going to put the kids to bed.

Will be back in a bit.

TIA

Illegitimate, I think that's what I was trying to get across to you, though, you can't really expect to feel a close bond if you simply don't spend much time together, or your main mode of communication is text. I don't blame you for that, I understand he has to work, but you sound angry and frustrated and quite flat about it all, and if you can't spend time together talking and sorting out problems, it all just gets very nasty and passive-aggressive. Texting him about his porn habit when he's at work won't get you anywhere.

Is there any way you can get some time to talk? Or even just do something nice (cinema, meal out?) I know it seems like a sticking plaster, but actually spending time together, looking into each other's eyes, active listening and so on is one thing they might tell you to do if you went to marital therapy (and you wanted to save the marriage, obviously not if you didn't!)

I don't think this is necessarily unsaveable, as it strikes me that you are withdrawing precisely because you do love him and feel upset deep down about his lack of interest. You seem to me angry rather than entirely flat about it. I may be wrong, perhaps it is all boring, and no sex and there's no hope, but if you do care for him, perhaps there is enough there to build on but it would take more than a few texts to put right.

Your relationship doesnt sound so bad that anyone with any empathy or sense would recommend breaking up.
You are down and tired, and alot of us Mums are. So your feelings are understandable. But i think in your situation you are better in than out. He doesnt press you for sex, like many do. He's working hard like you are to make ends meet, he does stuff in the house and with the DCs. Seriously, just see what happens if you suggest you have simple and quick sex every night for a week. You will both feel great for it!
(i might sound like a sex nut, but my first marriage was celibate, despite 2 DCs and i'm soooo renewed with my now fiance who i share a fab physical relationship with)
Also, if you think your life is tough now, life as a single Mother is really tough, i know, i've done it for years and its brought me and my finances to my knees.
Chin up.

morning gruffalo hope you got some sleep.

right, on reading more he sounds like an emotional void doesn't he? you tell him you're not happy, he says he'll do some plastering. where's the passion or emotion? reading between the lines of what you say it sounds like he is very flat line, happy to just go along in a rut, not feeling much about anything or having any real passion or interests or emotional 'there-ness' iyswim!

sounds like you wanted stability and got catatonic instead.

he needs to wake up and show some passion about all of this doesn't he? otherwise he's going to lose you because unlike him you're not happy to go along in a rut forevermore living in grey.

am not saying this to encourage you to leave but because i feel i have to counteract all the negativity with a drop of otherwise: being single is fine, being single and a mother is also fine! you have the same problems to deal with re: money, getting time to yourself, having a lot of responsibility and yes compared to some ideal relationship i'm sure it's harder but funnily enough most single mothers weren't in ideal relationships with their child/ren's father or they'd still be with them. people in couples can be skint, married women can get no time to themselves and take all the responsibility, parenthood can be hard work whatever your marital state.

the reality for some women is it is easier for them when they split up either because they can control their time and home etc and are rid of negative factors that were making that difficult or because they're financially better off if a partner was shite with money, or because the relationship was exhausting and stressful and with it over they get their peace of mind back etc etc.

just pointing this out as a counter balance to all the oooh life as a single parent is hard and you'll be poor and unhappy and lonely etc etc etc (ignoring that you can be all of those things whilst in a relationship and can sometimes have more freedom and power to change that single than you had in a relationship). i rather like being a single mum, some don't, some do - misery is always optional.

i don't read him as a workaholic btw - more a work horse - give him a task and he plods along with it and doesn't notice if it's raining or sunny or the task would be done better and easier with a simple adjustment to his method but just plods on. sorry if i'm over reading.

i also think the porn fits in with that mentality - it's easier and utterly passive to have a wank over some porn than to have a dynamic sexual relationship with your partner and invest intimacy and effort and have passion. even his sexual drive has become a functional 'thing' to be dealt with ploddingly.

I really do sympathise OP, but I am trying to find a nice and supportive way of saying 'you made your bed, you lie in it.' You chose to bring two children into this relationship, and now you have gone off the idea. I just don't think that's okay. You knew what he was like when you got together, when you got married, and when you twice decided to have a baby. You made those choices. I think what you have to do now is make your marriage work and your life good again, not walk away because you're bored.

This OP could have been written by me

Just a quick update. We are having THE TALK... Tbc later as his dad has just turned up.

Another one here who actually likes being a single mother. When I split up with XP I couldn't believe how liberating it was. I actually felt alive and like myself again. Yes, do everything you can to save your marriage. It seems to me that changing his job has got to be a big part of that. But if it doesn't work, I don't agree with 'you made your bed you lie in it.' It's ok to want to be happy, and IME far better for DCs as well.

So this is the story of my life. FIL still here and then Dh will leave for work. I'm at the park now with DCs. Won't see him now until Friday. I asked him to call in sick but he missed the opportunity. Will reply to other messages later.

Please don't make any hasty decisions on this. Firstly, someone else mentioned that coming off ADs can affect you badly and you don't want to be changing your whole life if not seeing the whole picture clearly at the moment.

From my own experience though, you should think very long and hard before splitting up with someone who is a good father. I know it can be easier as a single mother than coping with a difficult partner, but it doesn't sound like your DH is actually causing problems so instead of shutting yourself off from the relationship emotionally, talk to him about how you can find a way through this - so you can have some time together, so you can have time for hobbies, rest, whatever.

Both DH and I are on second marriages with children by other people and it is a minefield. Splitting up is not just about coping with life as a single mother. It's about finding a way to make your children's lives work in two homes (what if one of you moved away and there were distance issues to deal with? what if you argued over access arrangements? different house rules?), it's about working on blended families in the future (you don't want another man in your life, but might he want to have a new relationship?), it's about sharing your time with your children (do you really want to lose half your weekends and holidays with your children, just because you were bored?)

I don't think I'd have done things differently if I'd thought about the true implications of divorce with children, but it's been bloody hard even knowing that I was getting out of a bad relationship. If there was nothing really wrong with my ex-H, I would find it very hard to forgive myself now for ending things without trying to find a solution to the problems.

Think about what your life would REALLY be like without your DH, but also think about what your children's lives would be like. Obviously nobody should stay in an unworkable relationship for the sake of the children alone, but they should definitely be a factor in working harder at it and, I'd have thought, worth some degree of boredom.

I haven't read all the replies but this came to mind when I read your OP.
"Only boring people are bored"

Get some hobbies and get out.

Sundaybest - she can't. Her husband is at work almost every evening and during the weekends.

You sound worn down by the relationship. Unsuprisingly as it sounds pretty rubbish:

• he has a porn habit you don't like
• he doens't listen to you (you have cried and whined and nothing has changed)
• you do everything
• he doesn't do very much at all but still makes time for gym and social life

It sounds like you were at crisis point a while back, but instead of that being make or break time, you've resigned yourself to this. Don't you think you deserve better? I don't think the problem is hobbies or lack of them, I think your problem is your husband.

Thank-you so much for everyone taking the time to reply. I really do appreciate it. I have read everything. I'm just digesting it.

The enormity of leaving is not something I'm taking lightly. Whilst I understand the 'made your bed - lie in it' mentality, I don't think that's good for anyone. I did make my bed. Now my bed is in need of maintenance, fresh sheets and some action! If it doesn't get it then really why should 4 people just be fucking miserable? Who's this helping?

I am trying to think rationally; how much is my mood being affected by pills/lack of? How much is actually just a stale marriage.

I need a proper conversation with him. I need a break. I need a life. I need to be listened to.

I like your last post. You made your bed, layed in it. Bed broke - either fix it or if you can't fix it, get a new bed. Seems fair enough.

I think you sound very rational, but make sure you take your time before making any big decisions.

Good luck with the conversation. Sounds like he is trying to avoid having it.

Do you think it's just a stale marriage? It sounds more than that. He doesn't sound like good husband material. Not being treated properly is a good reason not to be happy in a marriage.

He came home between jobs and We had 30 mins discussion in hushed tones because the DCs were around.

He just keeps missing the point. He'll do more around the house, quit the gym etc etc.

I've just put the DCs to bed and it's apparent that day to day life wouldn't look that different if we were separated. In fact as I said earlier I'd actually get more of a break, and I'd be better off financially. I can't think straight.

I have found some childcare for the weekend (so did he) - I guess we'll be able to talk properly then.

I don't honestly know why we're together anyone.

Why were you together in the first place?

We met, had fun, got on. He was kind. He liked me. Was reliable.

You met, had fun, got on. He was kind. He liked you. Was reliable.
And you decided that was enough to marry someone and have children with them. Really?
Am I the only person here who thinks that's not right?

Not right?

In what way is that not right?

'Not right' is very judgey. What are the 'right' reasons to marry someone and have children? Being 'madly in love'? - How many people on here who've been with the same person for a long time have been lucky enough to find that state lasting? Or are we all supposed to wait til we find our 'soulmate'? We are all different. If you have the right answers sundaybest, do share them, and then there won't be so many people going through the misery of broken down marriages that we see on here.

I've heard much dodgier reasons for choosing someone to make a family with than OPs. They sound pretty solid and sensible. Fact is, if OP and her husband still had fun and got on, she'd be fine. They don't, so she isn't. Don't be so harsh sundaybest.

Thanks unhappylizzie. I'm going to work now but will check in later.

I guess whats missing is

'I got to know the real true him and over a period of time i realised that dispite his few imperfections i knew we could better as a couple than as the sum total of two individuals.'