Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

If you marry would he have her name under his wedding ring always between you.

he's clever enough to offer the sop that is a baby

he'll get busy on that one straight away, IMO

starting are you around, love ?

we are talking about your situation like you are not here, come join in, don't be driven off

even if you decide to let him manipulate you, what's the worse we can do ?

as much as I would like to stage an intervention with my mate izzy, ambush you and hogtie you until these dangerous feelings have passed, it's not going to happen

it's your decision, your life

Exactly what meredeux said.
Please don't do it. He will steal your life.

OP you need to book yourself on a singles holiday, preferably an activity type one. You'll have a ball... You have to put some distance between you and the life you have at the moment, a change of scenery, it'll do you the world of good.

Yes agree with the others. That's his strategy. He tried the hardball stuff about you giving him what he was owed, saw it didn't work and now he's doing the old 'woe me, my life is falling apart, save me from myself' routine and you're falling for it hook line and sinker. You're smarter than that Starting, you know you are.

I don't mean to be mean starting. I know you know a much wider, deeper picture than the rest of us. I don't doubt that there were good times. I am only trying to say to you: Ask yourself if you could ever trust him after what he's done this Spring?

I hope you managed to get some decent sleep in spite of it all, Starting. Exhaustion is not conducive to clarity of thought.

Thinking about this thread, I am put in mind of the story of Ulysses. All the women on here are the sailors deaf to the siren call, whilst you are Ulysses, whom we've tried to strap to the mast to prevent you responding to the lure of his telephone voice. Unfortunately, whilst Ulysses was safely navigated past by his rowers, it seems you are going to break free and leap overboard.

Bonkers idea borne of desperation: you mentioned ages ago that you had sat outside the catholic church thinking of your mum. Well, my mum was a catholic, too, and I have her rosary beads which in times of worry or upset I put under my pillow so I can reach for them in the night. I've had a lot of medical problems over recent years and when I'm having a particularly unpleasant time I go and sit in the church she went to and light a candle. Sitting there in the peace and quiet of the church I sense my mother close and feel soothed. I think of all the desperate prayers that others have said there down the years and realise that what I'm going through is something many have had to face up to.

If you wanted to sit and think somewhere peaceful and quiet away from home where no-one will bother you, you could always go and do this in the church. You certainly don't want to go to a mass as you will feel awkward, but you could go on the adoration of the sacrament day, when it is considered bad form to speak - it's supposed to be for contemplation only - so you'll be left alone.

I've googled and the church must be Our Lady Immaculate.
Don't be frightened of crying and making a show of yourself; I've done this many times - usually there's only one or two there and nobody bothers. Too busy thinking about their own problems, I imagine.

Disclaimer: I am not a religious maniac! I suggest this knowing it's probably a non-starter merely because it's something which has helped me to make calm decisions in the past.

For what it's worth my atheist sister recently went, sat, cried and lit a candle for our mum when she was going through a tough time. It wasn't about religion, it was about the comfort of having a quite peaceful place to reflect

Are you ok?

Have only just been able to get back on the internet and am so worried for you Starting.

I'm worried that your silence means you have taken him back and are scared to let us know.

I can't really add much that hasn't already been said. It may seem wonderful at first and that all your misery is behind you but how long before you get suspicions, he goes down to the pub where OW hangs out; every disagreement you have this will be dragged up; he will want to marry you this time and cement that with a baby. It will all seem very attractive.

But I know how you feel and you can't stop loving someone.
But if you really really can't go cold turkey, PLEASE make sure you have boundaries in place.
If he really wants you he will respect that and wait and give you distance and space and time to think. Don't let him back "home".
Keep building a life for yourself without a man in it.
If he has been working he can afford to rent a room, he can get sober and prove himself.

Best thing would be to go away, book a holiday, go to a spa and pamper yourself.
Please let us know how you are Starting even if you have done the unthinkable! xx

Please talk to us, Starting. Its a lot to cope with on your own.
If you are thinking of taking him back/ letting him sleep in your spare room/ even just engaging with him, then I'd be a liar if I wrote that no one will be frustrated but we still want to help you.
Please don't struggle through this on your own.

Made me laugh vom when i imagined him outside your garden gate, unshaven, greasy, dirty, tattooed. Imagined his convo-

I've left the OW, she's gone back to Ireland (leaning slightly over Starting)
I've gone to AA (slight leer)
I want us to be friends (can I live with you again)(leaning a bit more, slight moistening of lips)
I always loved you/thought of you (wink/twinkle)
I think if you play your cards right, you could have this again (brushes hand up and down his side)
We could try again (leaning slowly towards her.......)

But I though - if that makes me vom, surely Starting will need a huge bucket?

But I can see you thinking about it - 'maybe we can fight his demons together?' - are you his mum? His demons are not yours to fight. He is a grown man and needs to take responsiblity and fight his own demons.

From upthread, your post he's realised that she is not for him. She was an escape from the pressure of the business etc etc..........

Until the next one?

oh starting please come back here and talk. He really isnt the one for you. You know that really, dont take his calls, change your number.

He has got right inside your head again.

Whatever cards you choose to put on the table now, there will be posters here to advise you on how best to play the hand that's left to you, if you feel the need to ask for it.

But that's all they will do - advise. You've had enough bullying in real life from ex and his 'lady'-love. As meredeux says, it's frustrating for us to watch, but it is your life, not ours. I often think when I'm doling out advice, "It's a pity you haven't always taken your own advice, Roxy, not to speak of the sage advice of others!"

For all we know, you might be out organizing the old folks' raffle while we get in a frenzy - hope so!

Oh god I think I will actually cry if you take him back :( Please please read through this thread again, and your last one... remember what he did to you!!

Captainmummy. That made me smile and be grossed out all at once!

Hope you're ok Starting. If you are thinking/have already taken him back please safe guard yourself.
Make sure you make new friends/keep old friends
Make sure you look after yourself financially
Make sure the decisions you take are the right ones for you (not him)

Im a bit worried about the direction things seem to have taken..

Worried about you starting, you must be turmoil right now ((hugs)) X

OP, you were doing so well re-building your life and sorting out the mess he made of your house.

I think you would be very foolish to take him back. He's a liar, a cheat, an alcohol abuser, he made you give up your job, he expects you to mother him and bankroll and run his business.....for what in return?

He's not looking out for you, he's thinking of his home comforts and getting his feet back firmly under the table.

He will spin you whatever bull he thinks it will take...a fancy holiday away in a five star hotel, a wedding, baby, sell house and buy a joint one together......but it is nothing more than a trap.

Please stay strong!!

...and why waste time going to AA meetings....go out with your pals, joing the sailing club and go sailing eyeing up the talent, go for nice walks with your pooch, go dancing/gigging with your old dj pal in Camden, go on holiday, spend time with your brother's family, ball-room dance with the old folks...etc

Hi All,

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice when i needed it, i have read and reread it, you are all right, he chose her over me, he only wants to come back because it hasn't worked out. It may seem the easy option now, but it would be awful, i could never trust him, he is a liar.

I suppose i still have memories of when things where good between us and that is what makes it hard, but the fact is that those days are over, and i dont think we could ever get them back.

He is in a tight spot and he wants me to help him out of it, as you said he has tried everything else to get money out of me, this is the next step.

It hurts me so much that someone that i loved for so long, could show himself to be such a manipulative liar, my heart wants to believe what he is saying about the OW and him going to AA, but my head doesn't believe it.

I think that she threw him out and perhaps that's why he is going to AA (if he is going at all), but i think that if she was willing to have him back he'd be there like a shot, i don't believe that he left her (i don't suppose ill ever know the truth).

I just wish he could be honest with me, i said to him that i needed time to think about what i wanted, he said you need to make a decision, i want to come home its black and white, when i said i couldn't make that decision now, he said 'right ok, don't bother!', what a bastard when i don't dance to his tune he throws a tantrum.

He is using me, so why oh why am i still in turmoil, i know it could never work.

He is using me

yes, he is

sad, but true. he doesn't care about you, just himself, hence the tantrum when you failed to do what he wanted.

please keep dug in, starting. don't cave.

[hugs]

when i said i couldn't make that decision now, he said 'right ok, don't bother!
Right well there's your answer, right there in black and white. If he really wanted to you back, he'd walk over hot coals wait as long as you needed until you had your head sorted. He doesn't love you, he hasn't even the cop on not to start losing it with you during the conversation where he's trying to get you back ffs! Seriously, not much going on with this guy in the brains department anyway!

OP take some time off. Go on a fun holiday somewhere for week. You need to remove yourself from this/him.

Starting the fact that he was insistent you "make a decision"shows he is only using you, if he had any real feelings for you he would absolutely let you dictate terms as to the scenario for being back together, not dictate to you.

When you want a cuddle, cuddle the dog!

Please, please, do not have him back, you have too much to lose.
As regards the OW you only know what he has told you about her. He lied to you he probably lied to her to get what he wanted and when she discovered his lies she probably chucked him out.

You are doing so well, please keep going!

That childish reaction shows you all you need to know! - he doesn't mean ANY of it. If he was genuine about wanting you back he would be willing to do anything, and to take as much time as necessary, to prove to you that he is sorry.

He is just fed up of sleeping in his van and wants your nice cosy bed, and your money, and basically for you to look after him like a helpless little baby.

I know it hurts to think that he is nasty, selfish, unfeeling scum, but you need to listen to your head and believe that he is, or he WILL hurt you again, once he's got what he wants. (your money!!)

Every time you speak to him or see him this is going to get harder. You need to cut him out completely. Really. He will be fine and he is not your responsibility.