Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

Get away starting. get in the car and get away until the craving has the chance to die down. When do you next see your counsellor? It may be semantics at this point but there is a high probability that your relationship was codependent, which is an addiction with a very powerful pull.

all that shit he pulled out? He's pulled out all the stops to get you back online to enable his addiction and self-interest . He knows how to do it, what works. It's worked hasn't it? Now you may get why so many of us are saying you need to cut contact entirely because this is the result of having even minimal contact with him (re it went from garden gate to lunch in the twinkling of an eye...)

he wants to get back and get cosy so he can carry on servicing his addiction. It is his first love by a mile and, I'm sorry to say, you only represent a means to making sure he keeps it.

You weren't suicidal when you were away from him - at least not after the initial gut-wrenching agony. You were starting to lead a healthy life. You're having a blip of the old feelings but you can resurface quickly to that healthy balance that, although not perfect, was beginning to gain ground and it wouldn't have been too long before the dots joined together and filled your whole life, not just a part of it. You have made huge strides in a very short time (in the scheme of things) which imo is testament to how toxic he is and how healthy your life becomes as soon as you are out of his toxic orbit.

oh please starting. Dont do this to yourself love.

You have been so strong, you need to stay strong and remember that he did this to himself and to you. HE did this. And to boot, he got a frigging tattoo of HER name on his wedding finger! REally, do you need to even go there?

Please hang on in there, starting. You do not need this cock-lodger back, you really really do not.

I have PM'd you Starting

Couldnt i help him fight?

Fight what? Your death wish hands on your purse? Make no mistake; it's not you he's interested in. It's her; and getting more money out of you to impress spend on her.

As for his alleged alcoholism; rofl risible. Are there no depths to which he won't plumb to get his mitts on your money garner sympathy? The only condition he's got beginning with 'a' is arseholism, honey. and the only known cure is to apply your boot to his posterior and bend it like Beckham.

Don't you understand, woman? He deliberately chose to blow away the relationship you once had with him. If you let him back into your home the only way you won't be able to see the elephant ow in your bed is to cut your head off.

Btw, given half a chance he would have had her in your bed. As it was, he had to make do with going straight from shagging her to shagging you and going straight to her ...repeat ad infinitum... for the months it took him to woo persuade her to let him move in with her.

And given the lies confidences he told about you during his courtship of the woman whose name is indelibly stamped on his wedding finger, it's a wonder your ears didn't spontaneously combust.

You're feeling down about this twunt? The only emotion you should be experiencing is looking down on him.

Hi Starting cmon and get a grip of yourself pet .. he is bad news all round .. please please do not call him.. You will regret it forever!!

What happened to all that self respect that you've built up over the last couple of weeks? The excitement you felt about meeting new people?? Remember how isolated you were when you were with him .. no friends just him? Do you really want to be back there again?? xx

I really hope you're just catching up in sleep not listening to him bleat! He's a bloody horrible user love. Worried about you!

Sorry!, just logged back on, he called and I answered :( He says he wants us to try again, he wants me to come to his AA meeting (he says hes been to one) and he wants to do some relationship counselling. He says he wants to take me on a 'date' this week, and we will take it slowly. He says that he thought about me everyday and missed me, he says he wants his life back. He says he loves me.

He told me that the OW was a heavy drinker and took 'soft' drugs, that he was trying to keep up with her that's why his ulcer came back and he went to the doctor where he was told he should give up drinking. He said that the OW had another guy on the go that he didn't know about, and she was a 'nutter', he's realised that she is not for him. She was an escape from the pressure of the business etc etc..........

He has pulled on my heart strings as you have all predicted, but i need to remember the reality which all of you have posted above, basically how could i have him back after what he did, fucking her, living with her etc etc, and that he is a liar and a cheat xxxxx

Starting I've been lurking and silently cheering you on for all this time.
My ex was so similar. And I took him back. More than once. He drank his wages, my wages . When my mum died and I stupidly told him that I would be getting a small inheritance ( he asked, I didn't give a monkeys about money at the time) I came home to find he'd borrowed roughly the same amount and spent it all.
The last time he wanted to come back, and we'd actually got divorced. I was in a very

Yep he thought about you every day as he wined, dined and fucked the OW.

Don't be stupid Starting he is playing every trick in the book to get you back.
Why you are answering the phone to him l don't know as you are just making it harder on yourself.
You are weakening-- everyone can see this..
Stop engaging NOW..

sorry but this is tough love , cruel to be kind etc..
have a

what was your reply, starting ?

Whoops too soon.
Was in a very well paid new job (yeah, nothing to do with it ofc, or the fact the OW had chucked him out) I could say
'no. You slept with my so called best mate last night when you called round for a shoulder to cry on''
Be prepared, he will turn back into a bastard when he realises that you now know that you are way too good for him.
He WILL do it again. Only this time he will totally take you to the cleaners.

Oh my love - how horrid that this has all flared up when you were doing so well - what a sod. It's almost as if he sensed you were slipping away and is trying to pull you back in.

I haven't posted for a little while but just wanted to say, like everyone else, I hope that you don't take him back. I think in the long run you will have a better life with someone else who is worthy of you, takes care of you and gives back as much as they get from the relationship - and these men are out there.

Stay strong - best wishes heading south easterly from Essex!

My reply was that i couldn't trust him, that he has lied and cheated and that there was no way back from that.

He said that he was willing to put the time in to make it work and that he would wait.

Please continue telling me reality of this situation, im in danger of not seeing the wood for the trees here x

All the terrible stuff he tells you about the other woman don't change a thing. HE still did what HE did. He's trying to make himself the victim in this.

She was awful so he's coming back to you. What if she wasn't awful, would he still be coming back? No of course he wouldn't. He's making you the booby prize and you are worth much more then that. How dare he! You should be first choice.

You will meet someone else one day who you will be first choice to, rather then the one he goes back to when his new life doesn't work out.

As for the aa, yes he's been drinking too much but i get the impression that he's trying to blame his behaviour on that. Unless he was completely pissed for every minute of the affair and subsequent leaving, then it has no bearing on it. As for trying to take you to meetings, its his problem, he should sort it out. Why should you mummy him. Sounds like you did that for years already. Pathetic twat that he is.

Oh lord, I sounded bitter there but honestly I'm not.
This will be the hardest time for you Starting. But if you can get past it, it will be so worth it. 2 years after that conversation I got engaged to the most wonderful man. We have now been happily married for 7 years.
At the time I thought who the hell would want frumpy, over the hill me, with 2 teenage kids and a mountain of baggage.
The life you can have, the future you can have will be so much better without the miserable excuse of man who is currently still only thinking of himself.

'I'm so sorry, take me back'
Seriously? WTF?
Sorry for himself? Now he's been chucked out?
NOT sorry for the anguish he has caused you and your dc.
He'll do anything will he?
Try this -
Don't ask for money
Sort his own place out, on his own.
Take responsability for the kids
Pay proper maintance
Clean up his act
Show you the respect you deserve as the mother of his kids
Only discuss things relating to the kids
Do not expect 'talks'
Do not expect any sort of emotional support
Then, maybe, in say 18 months , you MIGHT consider meeting him for coffee.
If you haven't met someone better in the meantime

You are happy to be second best, the fall back, the soft landing ?

This useless loser is damaged goods. If he was a puppy, he would have been drowned at birth.

If you take him back, there is not one person that will have any respect for you left. Not us, not your family/friends, not yourself and most of all not him

Take a look around you. There are some real problems in this world. Loss, poverty, violence, starvation.

He is pitiful, and you wallowing in the drama of him and your star-crossed relationship that's just so hard to let go of is nothing short of that too

You won't want to hear that, and I will probably get flamed for being so harsh, but you need to wake the fuck up and make the most of your life without this mill stone round your neck

You have a choice for christ's sake. Use it well.

Cut him out. And mean it this time. That is all there is to say here.

Btw, that list? That was my coping strategy.
He will want you back now
He will want financial & emotional support now
He will be good with the kids, but only for as long as it suites him

You don't even have to tell him the list, a decent man would do it anyway
But he isn't a decent man.
He will fail every single item on that list.
Yes, people have affairs, yes people do stupid things
But he treated you with such crulty, he was so nasty. All of which was totally unnecessary. He got satisfaction put of it. As did the slapper he fucked.
Don't let him do it again
You deserve more

and FWIW, I wish somebody had the guts to say that to me when I was letting an utter cunt piss me around, and make me look like a fool

Too much time on FB, just tried to 'like' AnyFuckers post :)
Me too!

Starting do not be fooled into thinking going on a date won't hurt.
It will. Look at what he'd tried to pull since you met him for coffee?
A date? Next Week?!!! And that's taking it slowly!!!!
Christ on a bike he must think he's some sort of fucling Casanova!
No to a date
No to relationship counselling
No to popping around for a chat for old times sake

Was he thinking about you when he was shagging that slapper in the 5* hotel not too long ago?
Tell him to get fucked off and stop harressing you.

Also just realised, no kids, sorry.
Projecting way too much here!! It's just it brings back so many memories

Starting I've been lurking for a while now. My STBXH was a drinker. I tried for years to make him stop but it fell on deaf ears. He put drink before me and his children. He too had an affair and moved in with the OW. My mistake was to listen to his lies and continually let him back into our lives only for him to go off again and keep repeating the pattern. This happened for a year. They don't change. They tell you what you want to hear so they can manipulate you and get what they want. These men are selfish. My STBXH has also now got a tattoo of her initials on his wrist.....it looks absolutely ridiculous!! He is still lying and trying to manipulate situations to his own advantage. Do not listen to him Starting. Get off the rollercoaster. As someone else just posted if he truly wants to be with you he needs to be on his own first and sort himself out on his own. With regard to the phone if you really don't want to change your number do what I have done, change his name to something that will remind you of how badly you have been treated by him. This I have found has really helped me. Now when he rings "I Deserve Better" comes up and makes me realise that I do deserve better than him.
I'm still in the mending process and you are too. To be honest you have done far better than I have. Don't give up. You deserve to be happy and someone will come along to make that happen.

he wants me to come to his AA meeting (he says hes been to one)

Like fuck he has. AA meetings are closed to non-alchoholics; relatives/friends/spouses/dps can attend Al-Anon meetings and may be invited to attend an occasional open AA meeting only after the consent of all alcoholic members who may be present has been obtained. Ask him who his sponsor is, why dont you?

Or, preferably, see the lies he's told you as the calculated fiction he's created to tug at your heart strings purely so that he can return to his cushy former lifestyle until the ow takes him back, or another one hoves into view, and don't bother to enter in any further conversation with him.

The fact that there are no dc, Ma, makes it hard to understand why Starting, who is in the enviable position of being in good health and owning her own house in an idyllic part of the UK, and who has a loyal canine companion, a car, and a bunch of new friends she's met on this board, should be wasting any more valuable time on a shit who has no compunction whatsoever about shitting all over her.

FGS get some perspective here, honey. As AF has said, every second of every day thousands of men, women, and children, die of cancer, starvation, violence, and being mowed down by the armies of despots. In contrast you are blessed, and once your career is motoring again you'll have little time to engage in endless headbanging and handwringing over a deceitful twunt who's shown his true colours and who won't be changing his spots in this lifetime any time soon.

Until you're back at work, get volunteering to help those less fortunate than yourself and start counting your blessings and your good fortune, which will significantly increase once you've divested yourself once and for all of a worthless turd who will only ever be a massive drain on your emotional and financial resources.

There's no shortage of good men in this world. Set yourself free to be all that you can be and the law of attraction will ensure that one, or more of them, is drawn to you.

Starting I have lurked since the beginning. he is reeling you in, the bait is on the hook and once you swallow it your life will be much worse. YOU ARE FAR TOO GOOD FOR HIM. You seem to be a caring person starting, please start caring for yourself and make a good life for yourself. Please put yourself first he is not a decent man

It's always been harder for you, Starting, than for many of the other women who post on this board merely because you are in a lonelier position. You lost your two much-loved parents far too early and moved to a strange area where your only close contact - and comfort - was your Ex. I'm one who likes her own company but I know I've always got my sisters to call upon, much as they get on my nerves at times, and I'd find it hard in your shoes, too.

So I can well understand the desperate yearning you have to open your arms to this man, just to have someone to be close to again.

But - this is not a good reason to take him back. And there are many reasons not to, as previous posters have explained.

Personally, I'd find the fact that he was so in thrall to this sleazy-sounding woman completely off-putting. I'd feel sullied by association. And yes, if that's what she's like, it seems quite likely he will have picked up an STD. Revolting. Is he going on like this about her because he thinks it is what you want to hear? It rather begs the question of what he was doing with such an unpleasant, malicious woman, doesn't it? Yet for all that time when you were in such a dreadful state that a bunch of strangers on the internet were seriously concerned for your welfare and safety, all he could do - the man who had shared fifteen intimate years with you - was to send/allow to be sent cold-hearted, unpleasant texts and to try to bully money out of you when you were at your most vulnerable. And he said he cared about you.

I, too, think it's a ridiculous idea that you go to an AA meeting with him. It's up to him to sort himself out - as anyone with a real-life tale of alcoholism will tell you. He's trying to suck you in. My advice to you is to have nothing to do with it.

In one of your posts today you started so many phrases with 'He wants ..' Never mind what he wants, Starting - he's lost all right to want anything from you.

God, I wish when they bugger off they'd stay buggered off and not return to bugger up women's lives again.

I repeat what I've said before: don't make a hasty decision to have him back just because you're feeling bad right now and are full of nostalgia for the good times. And don't let him slide back into your life by stealth which is what I think he will try to do. Say no to his entering your house - that's your place of refuge now (and stop panicking about it) - and don't give him any money.

And keep posting xx