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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/05/2012 00:45

I despair that you are taking his calls. Every time you speak to him or have any contact with him, he weakens you further. Pleae please stop taking his calls or talking to him! If you are meant to be together and I hope hell freezes over first it'll happen in good time. It doesn't have to happen now. The only reason he's pushing for it now is because he's got nowhere to live.

btw, relatives don't go to AA with the members. Only the addicts go. Relatives can go to another meeting but they don't go to AA. so he's talking out of his arse. quel surpris.

RoxyRobin · 15/05/2012 01:08

Just looked it up - apparently friends or relatives can go to "open" AA meetings, whatever they are. I saw this on 'Corrie' - Ken, Deirdre and Blanche turned up to give moral support to Peter Barlow. One of the other alcoholics present gave a rather long-winded account of themselves, and Blanche declared, "Well, you like the sound of your own voice, don't you!" A family row ensued, and Peter Barlow turned to the other members and said, "Now you know why I drink".

Pity Blanche wasn't here to tell Starting's ex a few home truths. But I don't think Starting should go; it's got nothing to do with her.

MaBumble · 15/05/2012 01:09

Izzy, yes being a single mum is tough, but if I try to imagine going through that break up with out my boys I do understand startings loneliness.

& Starting, say you did take him back. Say you did have DCs.
Now, say you are a SAHM with babies.
And he decides he still cares about you but he's met someone and dies this all over again.
Because he will.

MaBumble · 15/05/2012 01:10

Dies=does

cenicienta · 15/05/2012 02:29

Imagine if he'd come back saying just how wonderful the OW was, great company, sexy, gsoh, yet he was still choosing you?

But he didn't, he basically said she was a psycho, alcoholic, drug addict who was so difficult to live with, he had no other option but to leave, so all things considered he probably prefers you and can he please move back in!

You know the answer already.

He's using the alcohol thing to blame everything on, not taking any responsibility himself. Sounds like he's had a problem drinking too much for a while but suddenly he decides to go to AA Hmm

Please don't take his calls! You have at least another 35 years ahead of you which have the potential to be absolutely awesome, or just 2nd best. Will you take the red pill or the blue pill? :)

RachyRach30 · 15/05/2012 03:29

Hi,

Sorry to say it but he only wants you back because she's cheating on him and has probably lost interest because he made her believe he was a good prospect when really he is a lazy scrounger. she's woken up and smelt the coffee.

He will only do it again. He will wait for someone else to come along but this time he will bleed you dry and protect himself if you let him back in. He will try and take what he can next time.

Sorry to say but we said a few weeks ago that you turned into a mother figure. That's why he's coming back for you to do everything and pay for things.

Why not test him . If he really cares he will wait for you. I'd say sort yor life out first eg get a job for you, volunteer, friends etc. you need to work on you, without him disturbing it, look how unhealthy your relationship was before, you just cannot go back to that and you need your independence. Tell him what you want to do with your life and that means he can't live with you . Let's see how long he hangs around then? If he really cares he will respect your wishes. For your own sake sanity and self worth you really need to carry on the path you are making for yourself which will give you some control.

I'd say reassess how you feel , once you have sorted your life out, it doesnt include him or his needs right now.

cenicienta · 15/05/2012 03:58

Starting if you really don't feel you can say no to him at the moment, why not tell him you would like time (at least a month, a lot longer if possible) to think things through and decide what you want. During that time he is not to contact you at all, and to go and do some real soul searching, for his benefit, not for you. To work out why he treated you so appallingly, what he really thinks about love and commitment, etc.

During that time you take every opportunity possible to follow through with your plans for a new life, making new friends, volunteering, looking for a job... hopefully to start realising that life could be fantastic without him.

Then at least you would know that the decision you took in the end was well thought through, and not just some reaction to all the emotional turmoil of the last few months.

Whatever you decide this absolutely won't work if you allow him to walk right back in now. You both need space, and his idea of couples counseling is absurd at the moment as he was the one who left. And he needs to respect the fact that you don't want him to contact you!

Of course most of us on here would hope you would realise during that time that you actually don't want him back at all, that you really truly have moved on and seen the light, but maybe you will take him back whatever happens :(

izzyizin · 15/05/2012 04:00

As I've said on the previous page, non-alcoholics can attend 'open' AA meetings which are convened on certain dates only after consent has been obtained from those members who don't want to get up and 'fess all in front of the likes of the Blanches of this world those who haven't personally experienced the highs lows of being addicted to the demon drink.

This twunt is no more an alcoholic than I am necks peroni and the fact that he was drinking lemonade at Sunday lunch shows that he either had a skinful the night before, or he paid special attention to the Method acting class he took at St. Twuntbert's Academy - 'be' the character, select props accordingly, and take up position centre stage to keep the audience's attention on the star of the show.

Far from being a not-so-secret lemonade drinker, I'll bet the allegedly impoverished bellend was on the booze Sunday night and last night, and that very soon the ow will be back in the pub with him.

As for his sudden abhorrence of the ow, I suspect that's not a lot difference to the sudden abhorrence he felt for you when he took up with his new amour - not that that stopped him from shagging you while his head was filled with lustful fantasies of her.

Of course, everything he's said to you about her is simply a variation on the theme of what he told her about you which appeared to have so incurred her wrath that, while cosied up to him in her white carpeted house and with his complete approval, she berated you by text.

Roxy has said she understands the desperate yearning you have to open your arms to this man. I would suggest you open your legs arms to a new man who doesn't have isn't a pox-ridden prick, or grow some balls of your own, turn off the waterworks, and stop giving this fucker room in your head.

Once you cut out all thoughts of this deceitful, lying, lowdown, piece of dead wood, you'll see that you have the opportunity to grow big oaks from little acorns create an immensely more satisfying and fulfilling future than you could have ever had with him.

KirstyWirsty · 15/05/2012 08:57

Morning Starting Hope you've had a chance to sleep on all of this and didn't do anything rash last night?

AF an apology to you .. You were right about the whole no contact thing and looks like I was going to easy on Starting re the Sunday lunch ... Thanks

Xales · 15/05/2012 09:02

Stop taking his calls.

He is a proven liar and cheat.

Stop letting him draw you back.

If OW hadn't dumped his sorr

Xales · 15/05/2012 09:03

Oops bad phone.

If OW hadn't dumped his sorry arse he would be telling you to fuck off you were nothing to do with him any more.

springydaffs · 15/05/2012 09:24

If you go back to him you'll lose everything you have built up in the agonising few weeks since he left for the trollop . Remember how he treated you Starting, how he did it, the things he said. It wasn't a blip! She didn't lure him in with promises, he wasn't a helpless victim of her. They were both as bad as each other - don't let him kid you that he was taken in by her and it was a moment of madness. He'd still be there now if he could, no question.

Plus all that bombarding you with calls/texts, hanging around like a lost soul, begging. Remember the watch out post? It was because I knew he'd follow the script (they're all the same Starting). I certainly hoped it wouldn't be as bad as this...

All he cares about is himself. He doesn't care about you.

Anyway, I think we've all said it a hundred times over but he's wound the web around your heart and all you've built up in the last weeks looks like a rag up against sparkly, spangly him...

And you'll go back to being just you two. No brother. No friends.

TimeForMeAndDD · 15/05/2012 09:25

Is he actually taking any responsibility for himself and for his behaviour or is he blaming OW for everything? He left you because he chose to leave you, she didn't force him to, same as she didn't force him to drink, treat you like crap. This man doesn't want a partner, he wants a mother figure, a walking ATM. He's pulling on your heartstrings because he is a good manipulator and you are feeling sorry for him. There is only one person that you should be thinking of right now and that is yourself. Have a read through your previous threads and remind yourself of how badly he treated you. Be angry, stay angry and don't let this man hurt you any more than he already has.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 09:27

Bin your phone and get a new number FFS!!

Everyone has said it all - you must detach and stop all contact with this man.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2012 09:27

Good morning starting.

It's pretty unanimous here - giving him another chance would be a huge mistake. All this guff about loving only you - do you think he was thinking about you when he was sneaking off behind your back to see her, when he was in bed with her, when he let her send abusive texts to you, when he threatened to try and take your house. Starting, those are not the actions of a man who loves you. You can't blame alcohol for this - this was all him.

I'm sorry starting, I know you are lonely and just want all this to go away, but it this is past the point of no return. He is a horrible, horrible man and he will bleed you dry if you let him.

wheredidiputit · 15/05/2012 09:31

IF he was realy sorry then HE would be doing what HE need to do to show you with ACTIONS not just words.

HE would go to the AA for HIM
HE would get HIS business up and running and EARNING HIS money to pay for HIS life.

Instead HE wants YOU to go to AA for him.
HE wants YOU to pay for HIM to live his life.

FWIW my mum was married to my dad for 25yrs while he had affair after affair until she kicked him out. She worked either part & fulltime all that time paying off his debt. She went without constantly so we had the things we needed. As dad was only concerned about what HE wanted.

Please don't let this be your life when you could have so much more then him.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 09:45

kirsty thanks for saying that, but it's quite clear that both of our concerns are for starting and that we are all trying to help her not make the biggest mistake of her life x

Helltotheno · 15/05/2012 09:56

I guess you'll do what you want to do Starting but as everyone else has said, it would be a real shame to get back with a proven loser when you've just started (very successfully) to get your life back on track.

If you think about it, this guy has always been a millstone round your neck. When your parents died, at a time he should've been supporting you, he had an affair. At a time when you should have been building a life for yourself, with close friends etc, he was taking over every aspect of your life (also you don't know that there weren't lots of other little hookups over the years). He's sponged off you all the time you've been together and you've basically carried him up to this point and he now realises he can't live without being carried (don't confuse it for anything else, he wouldn't be back if it wasn't for what you have and your earning power). Get back with him if you like but don't delude yourself it's love, respect, trust or any of those things that are worth having. He just wants to sponge off someone for an easy life. There will still be affairs.

As other people have said, you have a choice now to build a life with more worthwhile people in it. It's up to you how you use it.

meredeux · 15/05/2012 09:58

You are going to take him back, aren't you starting? It will happen in a moment when you feel vulnerable, maybe because you got turned down for a job or have been feeling lonely and he appears offering a shoulder to cry on.

Then you'll be much relieved that all this is behind you (apart from the couples counselling sessions), then you'll start to think about the nastier texts, the "I don't love you messages", the tramp stamp etc., etc. You'll also begin to wonder if he is with you for the money.

Then he'll ask you to marry him. You'll think great but at the back of your mind, you'll be wondering if its about the money again.

Then you'll start to wonder where he is/ who he is with.

Then he'll do it all again, but better next time because he'll have learned from him mistakes this time and he'll have made himself more secure.

Then you'll post on MN again, but no one will be able to help you get back to where you are today because you'll be older, angry with yourself and poorer.

Helltotheno · 15/05/2012 10:00

Then you'll post on MN again, but no one will be able to help you get back to where you are today because you'll be older, angry with yourself and poorer.

Exactly this. Think on hon, think on...

MaBumble · 15/05/2012 10:06

Morning Starting, hope you are feeling a bit more robust today.
Just looking back at the posts above.
He's still lying to you isn't he? Re the AA meeting.
He's using alcoholism as an excuse for his behaviour.
How weak is that? He is blaming the OW and an addiction for what he did. Taking no responsability at all.
Just surprised he's not blaming you ...

meredeux · 15/05/2012 10:07

At least he is stupid enough to have left you several clues as to his real intentions. He didn't say any of this last Friday, did he? Last Friday it was all, give me money, give me a roof over my head and finally if you are lucky I might, eventually, allow you to be my girlfriend again.

Funny how he has now realised that he missed you badly every day, but he didn't know it last week?

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2012 10:08

Think back to how scared you were about him making a claim on your house. Is this the man you want to trust with your whole future?

If you marry him, then he will take you for all he can get, should you split up again in the future. You know you can't rely on him to walk away and take only what he put in (which is nothing). This man will screw you over and you will have handed him the very thing that enables him to do so.

I bet he's looked into what he'd have to do (working on the house etc) in order to put in a claim on your assets and once his feet are back under the table, he'll be plotting how to get it. This man wants his freedom and he wants your money to pay for it.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2012 10:10

meredeux you forgot to add to that sorry list.... and tied down with a couple of kids

meredeux · 15/05/2012 10:11

Af - I wasn't sure it would last that long...!