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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
izzyizin · 14/05/2012 01:20

Hurrah for starting Grin

startingagain88 · 14/05/2012 01:26

Grin Night all!

OP posts:
cenicienta · 14/05/2012 03:00

Did you actually go sailing, or just sailing round the pubs :)?

Glad to hear you're feeling better. I suppose when a person gets dumped, one of the worst bits is the loss of control, not being able to do anything about it. Looks like you're back in the driving seat, that must give you a huge boost, knowing the ball is back in your court and you can take him or leave him.

Sounds like you made it clear about it being over... I just hope he got the message. You sound like such a lovely, trusting person who sees the best in everyone, doesn't play games... He sounds like the complete opposite and if he knows you well he will know how to manipulate you to get his own way.

Just think what a lucky escape you've had... you can now see clearly that he's not brimming over with honesty and integrity so just imagine if you'd had children with him and had to navigate parenting with him!

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 06:36

That's great Starting! Hic!! Grin

southlundon · 14/05/2012 07:52

Morning Starting - hows your head?!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 14/05/2012 08:00

glad to read you had a great time! now continue doing that - and keep your distance from the ex.

you may want to get some water and paracetamol inside you this morning!

only4tonight · 14/05/2012 08:43

To coin a phrase "and THAT ladies is what we call CLOSURE"

Yeah for starting.

As for me. Wish me luck I start a new Jon today.

only4tonight · 14/05/2012 08:44

As for me. Wish me luck I start a new JOB today.

Stupid autocorrect

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 09:12

Ha ha Only - my DH is called Jon - thought I'd got rid of him at last! Grin

wheredidiputit · 14/05/2012 09:13

Good luck with your new jon job.

RoxyRobin · 14/05/2012 09:24

To be honest, Starting, although it's a risky gamble, I don't think I could have resisted meeting him either and showing him how over him I was and that the tables had turned - he was now the beggar and not the beggee.

I remember my SIL agreed to meet DH's twat of a brother at his request after he'd been chucked out for having an affair for the second time, with the same OW. He was a liar, too - in her words 'He lied and he lied and he lied.'

I was very apprehensive and thought she should keep him at arm's length - he can't half spin a line. But she had toughened up in the meantime. She had lost loads of weight due to all the upset and replaced her now too-big mumsy clothes with an edgy new wardrobe. She told me when she walked in his jaw dropped, his eyes nearly popped out of his head (not a good look - his eyes are too prominent already) and he gasped, 'My God! You look fantastic!'

She said that moment was really sweet and she relished it. Despite my worries the meeting boosted her morale no end. She left the restaurant walking on air having told him he could do one.

Warning: it didn't stop him turning up at her house unannounced soon after and asking for money to clear the debts he'd run up having foreign holidays with OW!!

I do wonder about your Ex - do you think he's oscillating between you and OW saying sorry (in her case probably for the domestic crime of staining her carpets) with the intention of moving in with whoever caves in first?

RoxyRobin · 14/05/2012 09:51

Hope your first day goes well, o4t

Thermalsocks · 14/05/2012 10:05

Am away for a few days and struggling with a PAYG dongle that only works intermittently.
Well it all happens as soon as I can't log on!

I agree Roxy I would also have gone to meet him, not saying it's right, but I think you needed that, Starting, as a form of closure and also a form of revenge for all the hurt and betrayal he has put you through.

You know what they say about the best revenge, well you will certainly have achieved that! How satisfying!
Well done for being so strong. You were much stronger than I was in similar circumstances and I paid for it!

Sounds as if life is much more fun now as well than it was with boring old Twunt. Have a couple of soluble Solpadeine! Wink

Good luck Only. It will be Starting next!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 14/05/2012 11:41

I think that I would have gone to meet him too - but with the old saying of "curiosity killed the cat" pounding in my head.

TheLastNameLeft · 14/05/2012 11:59

Brave move going to meet him Starting! Im pleased he is not managing to wriggle his way back in though! Not sure I would have done it myself, I would probably have said "yes Ill meet you" then stood him up.

Good luck for new job only4

PooPooInMyToes · 14/05/2012 12:53

I loved your post about meeting him for lunch! Sounds like it gave you some closure. Id need that too!

midwife99 · 14/05/2012 17:02

I get the feeling this isn't the last you'll hear from him no matter how clear you made things. He's a persistent bugger!!

startingagain88 · 14/05/2012 17:30

As so many of you predicted im having a massive dip today, :( was feeling really positive yesterday.

He texted and called me a few times today which i didnt answer, but i find myself still on the sofa since this morning frozen, crying and feeling really low, in a way it was easier when he was with the OW as most of the time he left me alone, now with him saying he wants to come home etc, its raking up all those feelings again. I also got into a panic about the house etc......

I found myself wanting to call him today, which is something i haven't felt in a long time, i know i am completely playing into his hands.

I feel really weak and stupid for even letting him get into my head again, please be gentle with me, im feeling very down at the moment! I need some encouraging words :(

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 14/05/2012 17:51

What you are feeling is perfectly natural, but you know he is no good, so you just have to ride it out and have faith in the fact that you will feel better, one day (hopefully soon).

You really do need to cut contact completely - it's the only way to get over him properly.

wheredidiputit · 14/05/2012 17:52

Starting come on here when you feel the need to ring him. Someone well be around to hold your hand.

Also re read your threads to remind you what he has done to you. He saying what you want to say, but he doesn't mean any of them.

startingagain88 · 14/05/2012 17:55

I feel like i want to call him now, i want to hear his voice :(

OP posts:
catsrus · 14/05/2012 17:59

you know when you were little and on a boat and you watched the waves over the side and you felt drawn towards them ....? this would be as deadly as jumping over the side.

He has shown you that he cannot be trusted. Relationships are built on trust.

startingagain88 · 14/05/2012 17:59

I feel so low tonight i'm afraid i might let him back in :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/05/2012 17:59

ride it out, starting

hearing his voice is dangerous for you, can you see that ?

do something else to distract you

paint your nails, do some housework, watch a dvd, go for a walk

anything but call him

you must not do that, love, this man is no good for you, he is positively toxic

storytopper · 14/05/2012 18:00

Everything is still very raw for you, even though you have made fantastic progress. Don't beat yourself up for having a dip today. However, don't throw away everything you have achieved so far on the road to independence.

He doesn't love you or else he wouldn't have treated you so badly.

He wants your money and his home comforts. Moving back in with you is his route to those things.

You may feel weak now but don't act weak. Don't phone or text him. Phone or e-mail a few people you know and trust - or stay on MN.